Search Results from The Monk Bought Lunch
late-nite talk show monologue joke about some old jerk
Hefner denies stroke claim, says he's OK He does, however, have some damaged tissue. Damaged tissue! When we come back, Randy Quaid leaves a sweat stain on my chair!...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 08.08.06 13:36
late nite talk show monologue joke, "It's good, but you're pulling bean sprouts outta your teeth for hours after eating it" edition
Folks in Scottsdale are upset about the name of a new restaurant there, but a spokesperson for the restaurant says the name, Pink Taco, is just one of the items on the menu. When asked what sort of dish that...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 16.05.06 07:56
late-nite talk show monologue joke, "the guitar player looks damaged" edition
Keith Richards fell from a tree and sustained a concussion while on vacation in Fiji. Friends and family were concerned when they noticed Richards was slurring his speech and walking at an angle. For forty years. When asked what he...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 01.05.06 09:02
late-nite talk show monologue joke, 'the bigger the cushion' edition
George Bush met with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to discuss softwood tariffs yesterday. Bush said "I assured him that our intention is to negotiate in good faith...to resolve this issue. I appreciate your pushin'" (The article says 'pushing', but...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 31.03.06 08:47
late-nite talk show monologue joke, wascawwy wawyer edition
In yesterday's press gaggle, a reporter asked, in reference to an appearance the prez would be making to promote his health care "strategy", "Is he going to give us any new wrinkles?". To which Scott McClellan replied, "No, that's the...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 16.02.06 11:09
late-nite talk show monologue joke, jack-in-the-pulpit edition
This Sunday, a local film festival will be featuring "Childrens' Shorts from Around the World". Already, Catholic priests are lining up to get inside. *phony golf swing. stop there* When we come back, Olivia Newton John will deliver an impassioned...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 11.11.05 12:50
late-nite talk show monologue joke, "lawyers onions and funny "*edition
The White House sent the Onion a C and D. What's that you say? You thought the White House was all pro-life and shit? No no, that's a D and C. Anyway, the White House ordered the Onion to Cease...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 25.10.05 13:13
help me write a late-nite talk show monologue joke
There has to be a joke about Stone and Moss here somewhere. I mean one that wasn't already made here....
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 04.10.05 16:13
late-nite talk show monologue joke, "I am the lizard king of late-nite" edition
I guess if you go to Geico's website you can now "see the gecko do the robot". In related news, I'm suing my ex-girlfriend for selling our sex tape to Geico. *hit imaginary golf ball, do a little soft shoe*...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 10.08.05 08:17
late-nite talk show monologue joke, 'the president doesn't like black people' edition
The president once again did not attend this year's NAACP conference, choosing instead to attend something called the Indiana Black Expo, where, upon arriving, he was overheard saying "Speech? I thought I was here to pick one out!". *fiddle with...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 15.07.05 08:23
late nite talk show monologue joke, "i heard the mermaid's stinging" edition
Doctor's today successfully separated the fused legs of a Peruvian baby, known as the Mermaid Girl. Her father has requested that they be fused back together when she turns fifteen. *run in place,tug on ear, say something like "Hay-o!"* When...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 01.06.05 12:21
Late-nite talk show monologue joke, frothy mocha edition
Starbucks has decided not to sell Bruce Springsteen's new album because it contains references to anal sex. Said a spokesman for the company, "At Starbucks we like to restrict the buggery to charging $3.50 for a cup of coffee". But...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 06.05.05 09:43
late-nite talk show monologue joke, sledge-o-matic edition
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 06.04.05 14:37
late-nite talk show monologue joke, let the eagles soar edition
Attorney General John Ashcroft resigns, presumably to spend more time on his music. One possible successor being bandied about is Rudy Guliani, who should do a great job of keeping the country safe from the greatest threats to our security:...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 10.11.04 08:21
Shortest late-nite talk show monologue joke ever
Al Qaqaa. *Straighten tie, pull on lapels, rock back and forth on heels* Al....Qaqaa! After the break, one of those Baldwin Brothers will be here trying not to act desperate!...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 25.10.04 10:56
late-nite talk show monologue joke, "i see dead people" edition
During his recent press conference, President Bush said "nobody likes to see dead people on their television screens". When pressed, however, he was at a loss to explain the popularity of Elimidate. straighten tie, crack knuckles, rock back and forth...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 20.04.04 11:15
late-nite talk show monologue joke, daydream believer edition
PHILADELPHIA - A man who was tackled and beaten by a group of Roman Catholic schoolgirls after he flashed them outside their high school was sentenced Wednesday to 10 months to two years in prison. As the man was taken...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 16.04.04 11:28
Late-nite talk show monologue joke, hoop dreams edition
Fans of the UConn Huskies are celebrating their NCAA victory, as are body-image activists- why? They have Husky Cheerleaders! That one needs work. After these messages I'll be peeing on Joan Embry, so don't touch that dial!...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 07.04.04 12:32
Late-nite Talk Show monologue joke, pertaining to assholes
So they made a movie about George W. Bush having a colonoscopy. Yup, it's called Internal Spotshine of the Sunless Mind. *straighten tie, fiddle with ear, "when we come back- Shelley Winters!"*...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 25.03.04 16:29
monk's late-nite talk show monologue joke, gaseous edition
Harper's magazine reports that "Physicists in Romania created gaseous plasma blobs that grow, replicate themselves, and communicate". In other words, they've invented Rush Limbaugh. *put hands in pockets, rock back and forth on heels, go "hee hee hee" or something*...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 02.02.04 13:31
Late-nite talk show monologue joke, "ridin' the strom out" edition
Strom Thurmond's family have acknowledged that Thurmond fathered an illegitimate child. The child was the result of an affair he had with his black housekeeper in his younger days, when he was a staunch segregationist. The housekeeper's name? Sally Hemmings!...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 16.12.03 11:10
Monk's late-nite talk show monologue joke, Saddam edition
US administrator in Iraq Paul Bremer reports that Saddam Hussein was found hiding in a dirty hole. Says Bremer, "Yeah, up 'til now nobody had thought to look in Paris Hilton". *look smug, adjust necktie, put hands in pockets- rock...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 15.12.03 09:31
love in vein
What with all the problems Courtney Love's been having, including having to place an ad for new band members like some 13 year old who's been practicing their Molly Hatchet riffs and wants to "start playin' out, dude", I think...
Posted in The Monk Bought Lunch on 13.11.03 13:37
