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June 12, 2006
Furthermore, and Nevertheless
Upon further consideration, really, I would have to say the tiny specific awareness of myself, as a person who only leaves tips when he knows for certain that he is going to get credit for doing so, who thinks that just leaving money on the bar untraceable to himself is equivalent to throwing it away--well, this must be part of a set of characteristics; surely this must be symptomatic, of a greater pattern of neurosis.. Surely a person like this must exhibit analogous behavior in other situations.
Standing back, it occurs to me what perhaps the king of this set might be. Of course it must be the chronic, flashing experience of suffering the impression that everybody knows exactly what I am thinking. That they are all (when I am not looking) shaking their heads and wondering how I could remain in the pitiable morass of doubts and unrealized ambitions that, from the looks of it, I evidently do. Of course I speak of “them”, in the plural, but it is always somebody, specific, to whom I attach this ability, to know exactly what is going on. But what is further remarkable, and rather obviously unrealistic, though, is that . . . everybody and anybody fits. Everyone has transcended my condition, and everyone can tell just looking at me what I am thinking. Everyone else, you might say, has grown up; grown out of worrying, precisely, on the issues I seem incapable of escaping. This, to have this as your shadow, must be the high ruler, the king of self-consciousness.
Of course, that is a feature of self-consciousness certainly in every case deluded. Even if people were capable, or interested in knowing what you were thinking, they wouldn’t be actually busying themselves with finding it out, in any of the situations possibly provided in life. It would take the greatest puppet master to arrange a space, for even two souls blushing at each other. Three idiots in one room might be conceivable, but each would suffer diminished powers of delusion, probably, and any more of this untempered awareness would set a house, or a public place, on fire. Clearly, nothing can get done if everyone is thinking about their own existence. So, the man who, if he is honest with himself, has to admit he wastes maybe, say, seven-eighths of his life in such an invisible stew, has to admit the impossibility anyone else, at any given moment, actually shares his fate by witnessing it. And furthermore, as is implied somewhere in this summary, if they did--they would be sympathetic, not accusing!
Nevertheless, this is a glue-like assumption, that is very hard to just eradicate, with the old but unnatural tool of reason. To get rid of.this, if you have it sticking, you need a long hot shower. But then thoughts in the shower are not universally salvific, either--are they? Please understand the difficulty exactly. Getting rid of the automatic idea that other people know what you are thinking is dangerously mixed up with the idea of getting rid of yourself, thinking. For it is not as if the man has concluded anywhere, or has experience of, people knowing his thoughts. It is that he can’t help act as if they do. Knowing it perfectly well does not stop me, from acting as if it were the case! Anyway! Yes, this must be the king of all obscure self-centered reflex thoughts.
Simply a marvel, this instinct for punishment and, at the same time, gratuitous glory. It definitely belongs in the same family as the already laboured over, bar-tip truth; both have the same peculiar feel and pull of the inescapable, and both can survive (I have noticed myself) in the same place at the same time. This is why I have a secondary concern that people I am sitting with at the bar notice the tip I am leaving, and assess that--but enough! These are all--what better word for it?-- habits. No matter how much you isolate them and define them, these habits, you walk out the door and conform to their intractable and fatal instructions. You understand, but act that way anyway. So this is of course why the only way to deal with such items (I always call things: items) is to focus on them and dwell on them. For after all, you can’t run, and, furthermore, it isn’t really time you are wasting, but just strength. For how fast is a thought? I’d say, lightening fast, and time for plenty of them in the time it takes for the door to bump you on the way out.
You have to admit it, and say, chum, I actually think that the guy across the room who just glanced at me once and went back to staring in his beer, knows the whole story of my life and is totally alert to the next absurd action I am going to take, as I make to try to rattle the chains that bind me in frustration. He can’t believe I keep trying! Coolly acknowledge that people who drive up next to you in their cars and look over, know the whole story of your existence in one glance. And when the light changes, they gun the motor and get out of there with relief and disgust. Maybe a little envy, sure, because they know you are sort of more of a hero then they themselves are-- but, overall, glad they are not slated to futiley suffer so. Impossible as these characters are, I don’t get a chance to develop them anyway, because there are so many of them--sitting at sidewalk tables, standing in lines, etc. Forty-five minutes of an excursion out of my house is enough to give me the material, like I have been on a long trip and deserve a respite in order to reorient myself towards normal life. When, upon further consideration, I have to realise--that was normal life!
Nevertheless, there is no question that I assume other people understand fully my position as a great literary star, an unpublished poet who has written things the world apparently can’t even bear to have opened before their eyes. Truths too difficult and too beautifully rendered, to live with, the way they are living presently--in this world. Even, so it goes, while many can only assume from my apparently cavalier attitude that I am quite content with this position. Smug, even. While others, a few royal others, might feel they understand how it could be that, precisely, great poetry is the one thing that is never, actually, published, for that would require publishers, who are by definition dolts and dunderheads, made to advance the current degraded maxims of easy purchase--of course. These are the ones who say to me, “you will be appreciated after you are dead.” Note well! This casts up a future in which my work is installed in the canons of English literature, taught in colleges, etc. etc. But that future runs smack into conflict, doesn’t it?, with the other future I imagined would happen after I am dead, the one where people who are left alive are relieved entirely of having to die, because future reality is fundamentally changed, of course!, since that seems like the least one can expect from dying, to see things differently--if not the whole truth then at least this one big aspect of the mystery, death to the solo consciousness, addressed.
Now I have a handle on something. In that changed reality there could obviously be no historical reception of my books, and no college girls hugging volumes of poetry with names like The Devil in Close Company, or Storming the Academy, as they stroll through Washington Square Park. In the changed world, when I am not in it but it has gone on without me and my seemingly all important awareness of it (as it stands now), the apparent necessary category of the past will be transparent, evident, involved with the new reality instead of dragged along in life under the shadow of bigger mysteries and threats like death. This is the problem with death, that it interrupts with its pretenses an ongoing investigation! So of course this is at the bottom of my concern, over my fate as a poet. It is like I have to get my poetry into history before history is essentially changed; I can’t leave it to the world in which I am dead, because that isn’t the same world! Now you see my concern! Before I had this strange idea of dying at all, I always thought it was important that I be there to shepard and watch my own writing in the public sphere. This idea that my writing is ahead of the times has always frightened me, and I associate it with other people’s infernal need to put me on a pedestal. And then put that pedestal on a shelf. Particularly, you see, because I don’t believe in . . . pedestals--damn them, and the statues of famous philosophers with their apish grins, staring at me from false history!
Well enough now one can see how the pretensions of a man beset by his own subjectivity might run into conflict with the pretensions of an author of historical stature. Indeed, what could be funnier! One has to ask, is the Descartes who said, “I think therefore I am”, actually the same as the person of Rene Descartes, ordering a croissant and a coffee in a Paris cafe, back then in those historical times? Some men, I have heard, do change history. Abject science, the slave of any current conception of reality, proceeds from philosophy, always has and always will. Which makes me think: if I worry hard enough about my fate as an author, I might . . . digging in, outlast this scene, and furthermore, or nevertheless, save all the tongue-tied, shy folks looking on from the sidelines.
Now there really is a matter for further consideration.
Posted by mortimer at June 12, 2006 01:38 AM
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