Monk

cutting, bored

Of juice channels I sing- the saga of Henckels Birch Cutting Board
(read the reviews)

Shortest late-nite talk show monologue joke ever

Al Qaqaa. *Straighten tie, pull on lapels, rock back and forth on heels*
Al....Qaqaa!
After the break, one of those Baldwin Brothers will be here trying not to act desperate!

say anything

Scotty McClellan on Congress and the flu vaccine:

Q What kind of message does it send -- I noticed in The Post today, the article about the doctors on the Hill urging members to get their flu shot when the President says he's not getting it, and urging healthy Americans not to, that our congressional and Senate leaders are being told to get it?

MR. McCLELLAN: The President believes that those who the CDC defines as the most vulnerable ought to be the ones who get the vaccines, and those who don't fall in that criteria should not get the vaccines.

Q I have a barrel of monkeys. Some of the monkeys are wearing blue fezzes, and some of the monkeys are wearing red fezzes. Are my monkeys cute?

Mr. McClellan: Yes, your monkeys are cute.

Q: All my monkeys?

Mr. M: All monkeys are cute.

Q: Including my monkeys?

MM: Yes.

Q: All of my monkeys?

Eminem: Yes.

Q: Are the monkeys with the blue fezzes cute?

SM: I think I've answered your question.

Q: You said all my monkeys were cute-

S&M: Yes.

Q:-but that wasn't my question. Are you willing to say that the monkeys with the blue fezzes are cute?

Shmoo: Monkeys are cute. That's what I'm saying.

Q: The ones with the blue fezzes?

Scom: Monkeys-

Q: the ones with the blue fezzes are monkeys-

Screw Me: Our position is that monkeys are cute.

Q: WHY WON'T YOU SAY THAT MONKEYS WITH BLUE FEZZES ARE CUTE?

Sketchy McLugNut: I don't know, it's crazy ain't it?

not that you could...

...but don't vote for my cousin either.

BOB: The Pope's all over you. Are you afrighted? JOHN: As a Catholic, yes. As a playa, no.

Broadway B makes with the funny at Titivil with a dramatization of the debate. Not that it wasn't plenty dramatic already!

monk summarizes debate #3

"Me!"

"No, me!"

Oh, and Bush said something about "Paygo", who if memory serves me correctly was a character in Barbarella. I think it was code for the Hanoi Jane thing.

debate survey

How would you describe Bush's mouth last night?
a.) Bill Murray in Caddyshack
b.) Stroke victim
c.) vagina dentata

"Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama Bin Laden"

Well, GOSH. Let me remind you. Gee Whiz.
"You know, I just don't spend that much time on him, Kelly, to be honest with you. . . . I truly am not that concerned about him."
Shouldn't somebody wallpaper Washington with giant signs that say this?
Betcha by golly wow. Whilli-fucking-kers.

war is zell

My right-wing pen pal sent me this Op-Ed by Zell Miller from the Washington Times, with this introduction:

In view of the NY Times scandal with Jason Blair and his false reporting,
Dan Rather with his forged documents, and ABC telling their reporters to take
sides and support Kerry -- this is very timely.

It shows the nature of these people.

Iwo Jima, if covered by media today

What if today's reporters had covered the Marines landing on Iwo Jima, a
small island in the far away Pacific Ocean, in the same way they're covering the
war in Iraq? Here's how it might have looked:
DAY 1
With the aid of satellite technology, Cutie Cudley interviews Marine Pfc.
John Doe, who earlier came ashore with 30,000 other Marines.
Cutie: "John, we have been told by the administration that this island has
great strategic importance because if you're successful, it could become a
fueling stop for our bombers on the way to Japan. But, as you know, we can't be
sure this is the truth. What do you think?"
Pfc. Doe: "Well, I've been pinned down by enemy fire almost ever since I got
here and have had a couple of buddies killed right beside me. I'm a Marine
and I go where they send me. One thing's for sure, they are putting up a fight
not to give up this island."
Cutie: "Our military analysts tell us that the Japanese are holed up in
caves and miles of connecting tunnels they've built over the years. How will you
ever get them out?"
Pfc. Doe: "With flame throwers, ma'am."
Cutie (incredulously): "Flame throwers? You'll burn them alive?"
Pfc. Doe: "Yes ma'am, we'll fry their asses. Excuse me, I shouldn't have
said that on TV."

Cutie (audible gasp): "How horrible!"
Pfc. Doe (obviously wanting to move on): "We're at war ma'am."
(A Marine sergeant watching nearby yells, "Ask her what does she want us to
do — sing to them, 'Come out, come out, wherever you are. Pretty please.' "
Cutie: "Pfc. Doe, what's that mountain in the background? Is that the one
they say is impregnable?"
Pfc. Doe: "I don't know what that word means, ma'am, but that's Mt.
Suribachi, and we're going to put a flag right up on top of it just as soon as we
can. I gotta go."
Cutie to camera: "No one has yet really confirmed why this particular battle
in this particular place is even being waged. Already, on the first day, at
least 500 Marines have been killed and a thousand wounded. For this? (Camera
pans to a map with a speck of an island in the Pacific. Then a close up of
nothing but black volcanic ash). For this? For this?" (Cutie's sweet voice
becomes more strident as it fades out.)
DAY 2
At 7 a.m., Cutie's morning show with a shot of hundreds of dead bodies
bobbing in the water's edge. Others are piled on top of each other on shore.
After a few seconds, one can see Marines digging graves to bury the dead.
Cutie: "There is no way the Marines could have expected this. Someone got it
all wrong. No one predicted this. This has been a horrible 24 hours for our
country. This is a slaughterhouse. After all this fighting, Marines control
only about a mile and a half of beach and the casualties are now over 3,500
and rising rapidly. We'd like to know what you think. Call the number on the
bottom of the screen. Give us your opinions on these three questions:
1. Were the Marines properly trained?
2. Is this nothing of an island worth all these lives?
3. Has the president once again misled the American people?
"After the break, we'll ask our own Democratic and Republican analysts, both
shouting at the same time, of course, what they have to yell about all this.
It should make for a very shrill, provocative morning.
"But before we leave this horrible — some will say needless — scene, let us
give you one more look at this Godforsaken place where these young Americans
are dying. Volcanic ash, cold, wet miserable Marines just thankful to be
alive. And still no flag that we had been promised on that mountain. Things have
gone from bad to worse in this obviously misguided military operation. One
thing is certain, there should be and there will be a high-partisan — make
that bi-partisan — congressional inquiry into this."
DAY 3
Cutie: "Marines continue to be locked in a life-or-death struggle over this
worthless piece of real estate in the middle of the Pacific. The word
'quagmire' is being used in the U.S. Senate, a body very familiar with quagmires.
Senator Blowhard has called it 'a colossal military blunder.' And Senator
Bombast maintains it was a fraudulent scheme hatched while the president was on
his sixth vacation at the Little White House in Georgia.
"The recently organized Senate Squeakers Group may ask for the president to
resign. They maintain that politics should not stop at the waters edge in
times of war, calling that tradition an old-fashioned idea that has no place in
the new century of dysfunctional government. Over forty special interest
groups concurred and all issued identical news releases."
"We now turn to our politicalanalyst,James Crankville."
(James):"Cutie,the overnight poll numbers have hit this president right
between the eyes. Nationwide, an overwhelming 98 percent said that if possible,
they would like to see this country fight a war without a single American
casualty. That is nearly the same percentage we saw three days ago when the
American public said they would be in favor of going to war if we could win
without firing a shot. So, you can see there is a trend developing here that spells
trouble for this administration."
"That this president is going ahead with this war is just unbelievable. The
witty New York Times columnist, Myscream Loud, wrote in her inimitable
fashion that 'The president's policy is as crippled as his legs.' (giggle) Last
week she said he had reached the point where no one will 'Fala' him. F-A-L-A,
his dog, get it (more giggles)? Has that woman got a way with words! Go girl."
DAY 4
Cutie (holds up front page of the New York Times): "This morning, the New
York Times had this photo on the front page. As you can see, the Marines have
finally raised a flag on Mt. Suribachi on Iwo Jima. The fighting is still
going on but it looks like this battle is over. We tried to find Pfc. Doe, the
young Marine I interviewed that terrible first day, but he was unavailable.
Here is Corporal Smith though. (With girlish enthusiasm). "Well, we see that
flag flying. It's pretty much over isn't it?"
Cpl. Smith: "Oh, no ma'am, it's not over by any means. We've got weeks of
fighting and dying to go yet. This place is a long ways from being secured. But
we did get that flag up there and it sure makes us all proud."
Cutie: "I can't tell much from the photo. Their faces are not even visible,
making it impossible for us to descend upon any of their families. Corporal
Smith, do you know any of the flag raisers? And do you know who ordered it put
up there? Did the order come directly from the president for political
reasons?"
Cpl. Smith: "All I know is that I heard some colonel put the word out that
he wanted 'a flag put up there where every son of a bitch on this island could
see it.' Excuse me, ma'am."
Cutie: "We know you've been in the heat of battle so,..."
Cpl. Smith: "Still am, ma'am."
Cutie: "Yes, of course, but it's all over. (Nervous giggle). Except here on
Capitol Hill, of course. Corporal Smith, I wonder if you know the gender,
race and ethnicity of the group that put the flag up. In other words, did that
group 'look like America?' "
Corporal Smith: "Look like America? They are Americans, ma'am. United States
Marines."
Cutie: "Any females?"
Cpl. Smith: "No, ma'am."
Cutie: "Any African Americans?"
Cpl. Smith: "I don't know, ma'am. But there is an Indian in Easy Company."
Cutie: "You mean Native American?"
Cpl. Smith: "Whatever, ma'am, I've got to cut out. My outfit is moving on
and we've got a lot to do."
Cutie: "And we've got a lot to do here too. Spring training has started and
the sun is shining brightly in Florida. But first this word from our
sponsors."
Historical note: In one of the bloodiest battles of World War II, when it
was said "uncommon courage was a common virtue," 6,000 Marines were killed and
18,000 wounded. Some 21,000 Japanese were killed. The island itself is still
barren and only a handful of people live on it. But after it was secured by
the Marines, B-29s made over 2,200 emergency landings on it, saving the lives
of more than 24,000 crewmen. AP photographer Joe Rosenthal won a Pulitzer
Prize for the flag-raising photo. Of the six men in the photo, three were buried
in that black volcanic ash, one came out on a stretcher. Only two walked off
the island.

This piece drives a point home with surgical precision. That point? Zell Miller is fucking crazy! Not that we didn't already know that, but Christ on a Bicycle, this guy's out where the busses don't run! He's crazier than crazy pie! He's crazier than Crazy McNutjob riding a crazy bicycle down Crazy Street delivering the Crazy Times! I think Zell Miller oughta be a new euphemism for someone who's lost their minds:
"Remember Frank from high school? Well, he went all Zell Miller a few years back, now he's terrified of pants".

Buttrey, toast or enough with the double entendre already!

The only man who could honestly say "I played drums on Linda Rondstadt's Silk Purse" is dead. I'm imagining a conversation in a bar:
"I played drums on Linda Rondstadt's Silk Purse"
"Oh yeah? Well I blew coke up Stevie Nicks' ass!".
(via No Rock n' Roll Fun)

the worst part is...

...Catholics aren't even allowed to bash the bishop(s).

is that a listening device or are you just happy to see me?

This headline oughta help get out the female vote (and maybe those log cabin Republicans):
Bush's Bulge Stirs Media Rumours

should we be talking about log cabin democrats?

In the veep debate I was disappointed to say the least (okay, nauseated) by the discussion of gay marriage. The whole touchy-feely act between Cheney and Edwards was a smokescreen to conceal the fact that they both support a discriminatory policy. Edwards repeated at least twice that both he and Kerry believe that "marriage is bewteen a man and a woman", and his only argument against a constitutional ban on gay marriage is that it is "unnecessary". In other words, since each state is free to discriminate against gays, there's no reason for the federal government to intervene.
I don't see this as a complicated issue. Take any debate about gay marriage, substitute the word "black" for the word "gay", and you'll see what I mean. It's a civil rights issue, plain and simple.
"Before I go on, I'd like to say that I admire Senator Thurmond for sending money to his black daughter. I know that he loves his black daughter, and you have to admire him for embracing her and schtupping her mother. I love black people, I just happen to think they should have their own schools. It’s nothing but a political tool. And it’s being used in an effort to divide this country on an issue that we should not be dividing America on".
By the way, that last sentence was a direct quotation from Mr. Edwards. He dismissed the entire issue as a "political tool", and then he ended his sentence with a preposition!
In the middle of a debate season that had thus far made me feel more comfortable about my vote, Edwards reminded me that, yes, I am still voting for the lesser of two evils.

next you're going to tell me those x-ray spex don't really see through clothes!

Being a fan of comic books is not just about reading the latest adventures of Batman or Spider-Man. Comics, now an art form in its own right, can cover everything from crime noir to global espionage.

OH MY GOD! Look- at this point (and by "at this point" I mean "after,oh, 1972") any editor worth his suspenders should be saying to any "journalist" to whom he assigns a comics-related piece:
"Listen up: we already know that COMICS AREN'T JUST FOR KIDS ANY ANYMORE! WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THEY ARE ABOUT OTHER THINGS BESIDES SUPERHEROES! WE ALREADY KNOW THAT ART SPIEGELMAN DID MAUS! IF YOU PUT ANY WORDS REMOTELY TO THAT EFFECT IN THIS ARTICLE I WILL TIE PIANO WIRE AROUND YOUR BALLS, TIE THE OTHER END TO A DOORKNOB, NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR AND SLAM THE GODDAMN DOOR!".

(via Old Hag)

Move over Sylvia Plath, here comes Mary Beth Cahill

Move over, Sylvia Plath? Why, you need to bake some cookies? HAHAHAHAHA!
Ha.
What was I doing, now? Oh yeah. I was looking at all these e-mails I've been getting from the Kerry campaign and thinking they sure have some dramatic subject lines. Got to thinking, "them subject lines'd make some good poetry, I tell you what". And so, I present to you a collaboration of sorts between Mary Beth Cahill and I, entitled Help is On the Way:

Help is on the way
8,180 miles
The end of a smear
Deadline almost here
Another liar
Tonight

Only a few hours left
We must prepare now
Don't let them hide from reality
We must prepare now

The reviews are in
Be very prepared
Get ready for tonight
Time is short -- the stakes are high

good news! good news!

Fisherman hauls in rare and elusive White Lobster.
New Englanders have long prophesied that the appearance of the White Lobster would herald the return of a New England Roman Catholic Democrat to the White House to usher in a new age of harmony and touch football. Folk Music revival expected soon.

teh?

Okay- I've been trying to figure this out for, geez, a year or two? And I've been too embarrassed to ask as it seems that everyone knows but me and it must be somehow obvious, but what in the hell does "teh" mean? For a long time I thought people were just typing "the" really fast and not bothering to correct it. But I don't think so. I'm guessing it's some sort of acronymical chat-speak. I'm teh confused. Did I at least use it right? And how do you pronounce it?

frequent masterful debaters

One of the challenges of this campaign for the Democrats has been, to put it bluntly, a pretty stupid electorate. Let's face it, folks- if you're still even slightly leaning toward voting for Bush, you're either a millionaire or a box of rocks. Case in point, this undecided's reaction to last night's veep debate:

"I'm confused. They were both so convincing, but it's hard to know who was right," said Marcia Vinick, an uncommitted voter from Scotia, New York, who told The Associated Press that she went into the debate leaning toward voting for President Bush.

"I think Cheney is maybe more dignified in his approach. I found Edwards was more defensive. He was talking a lot more, trying to be more convincing. I like what he said. They were both good speakers."

Woah! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Do me a favor- stay home on election day. Oh, and can I come by and show you some brochures I have for this Florida swampland?
From the same article, I liked this from Jim Duffy, Democratic consultant:

"I wish the tickets were flipped, that these guys would be at the top because these are two masterful debaters,"

Ahem. Masterful debaters. Try not to say that too fast, Jim.

help me out here

Was I imagining things last night, or did G.W. say "let me finish" when his light was still green? Do you think he forgot that the lights were on the front of the podium and he thought it would make it look like he was running out of time?

all they wanna do is zum-a-zum-zum-zum and a-boom-boom

As if Rochester doesn't have a self-esteem problem already, the city's business leaders recently formed a group "to initiate a community dialogue about the challenges we face, and to construct an action plan for more efficient government".
What did they call themselves? The Rump Group. This is not an acronym, folks. This is how they explain it on their website:

Members of The Rump Group value independent thought. For that reason, we chose our name from The Rump Parliament, which served England in the mid-17th century. That group served during a time of transition and economic difficulty.

Yeah, well I'm sure that's what will immediately leap to mind when people hear news reports about "The Rump Group".
Let's initiate a dialogue about this challenge:
The city's business leaders recently formed a group "to initiate a community dialogue about the challenges we face, and to construct an action plan for more efficient government".
What did they call themselves? The Rump Group.