Monk

the king of all, sir duke

It's Duke Ellington's birthday.

I don't know what you're supposed to do about that, I mean he's dead and stuff so you can't tell him happy birthday. Not that you'd actually be palin' around with him if he were alive, either. Let's face it. A guy like you?

I wonder if jimmy carter monitored that election?

I work at a large institute of higher learning in western New York. Our student body is broadly international, for which I am always grateful, particularly when I see men's room graffiti like this:
PUNJABI POON RULES!

have you met my little friend?

I wish I could buy all of these and walk to work wearing a different one every day.
(Via FWAK, which I think stands for Feeled With A Kiss)

ooh, get a load of mary!

Picture 1:
Connie waves at the QM 2 even though it's about 2 miles away.

Picture 2:
"Hey, I think I see Connie!"

I sat there nearly lifeless

Shane McGowan beaten up.
Shane MacGowan has been attacked in a London pub. The Pogues frontman was left with serious injuries to his face.
Alright, somebody's gotta say it: How could they tell?

(via Emma)

late-nite talk show monologue joke, "i see dead people" edition

During his recent press conference, President Bush said "nobody likes to see dead people on their television screens". When pressed, however, he was at a loss to explain the popularity of Elimidate.
straighten tie, crack knuckles, rock back and forth on heels:
"When we come back, Mickey Rourke shows us how to make a perfect torte!"

monk's 'i had a dream- i had an awesome dream' continuous soft-rock horoscope

Your Birthday Today: You gotta look really really hot on your birthday. If you don't look really really hot you should just put on some sweat pants and stay home. You don't deserve a birthday.

Aries: You will bicycle to a job interview wearing white pants.
Taurus: That ocean cruise
will not go exactly as planned.
Gemini:You will be invited to a dinner at which "comfort food" will be served. This does not mean that you can sit in it.
Cancer: It's not just you: there are red pick-up trucks everywhere.
Leo : Damn!
Virgo: Avoid people who want you to "pick a card".
Libra: It's been said that a fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place. Please have your credit card ready.
Scorpio: Despite the fact that this astrologer has been accused of going easy on Scorpios which is unfair because I am hardly reponsible for the positions of the constellations or whatever you call them, I have to say that you look extremely handsome in that blue shirt you're wearing.
Sagittarius : Drink alot of water when you go out dancing. Hey, I wasn't the one who decided PVC would be good pants material (make that sixteen).
Capricorn: Now would be an auspicious time to go like this: "WAGAWAGAWAGA!"
Aquarius:You will take advice from any moron who offers it, which is the right thing to do.
Pisces: Everybody says "don't take rides from strangers". But how do you know you won't like it if you've never even tried?

hey you guys!

As a guy who still calls Morgan Freeman "Easy Reader", I'll have to take some time to seriously peruse this site.
(via Senor Pantalones)

late-nite talk show monologue joke, daydream believer edition

PHILADELPHIA - A man who was tackled and beaten by a group of Roman Catholic schoolgirls after he flashed them outside their high school was sentenced Wednesday to 10 months to two years in prison.

As the man was taken from the courthouse to begin his sentence, he was heard to shout:
"It was worth it!"

if you're gonna pick nits...

"We found 50 tons of mustard gas on a Libyan turkey farm. Wait, no- we found 26 tons of mustard gas on a Libyan turkey farm. Well, we found 26 tons of mustard gas in Libya and approximately, er, exactly none of it was it on a turkey farm. Alright, alright- we applied 12 spoonfuls of mustard to a lesbian's gash in a Burger Barn."

garbage in

Genius out.
(via Everlasting Blort)

make that fourteen

Don't ask me why, but I just put the word "pants" in the search box on this here blog and it came back with thirteen results. I've been doing this since, what, August? By my calculations that comes out to approximately too much pants.

an outing of a different kind

When I was, oh, 11 or something, I went with my best friend to his grandparent's house on Lake Ontario for a family gathering. His mom drove us out there and kept bitching about "Randy" this and "Randy" that. She was not looking forward to seeing her cousin Randy, who she always argued with because he was a Jesus freak and she was a hippy who used to own a record store.
My friend's grandparents had set up a tent in the yard for us kids to hang out in, and my friend and I were doing so when a guy who looked like Ronald McDonald was playing the lead in Godspell poked his head in.
"Hey Guys! Mind if I come in?".
"Oh, hi Randy. No, come on in", my friend said, too wearily for an eleven-year-old.
So this Randy seems alright at first, just asking us about school and whatnot, blah blah blah, and I kind of zoned out but then tuned back in when I realized he was warning us that we would go to Hell for listening to rock music! Aw geez, shut up man! He went on for what seemed like hours, warning us of all the things we could go to Hell for. Including, of course, self-abuse and homosexuality. Eventually the hamburgers were ready and for the first time all day we felt gratitude toward God.
My friend's mother later became a spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood locally and had many heated disputes in the press with her cousin Randall Terry.
I'd like to thank Randy for helping turn me into the raving lefty secular humanist that I am today. You taught me at an early age that right wing evangelical fundamentalists are a creepy, suspicious, and extremely boring lot. I hate to think what your son must have gone through, but I bet $5,000 doesn't begin to make up for it.

True story, by the way.
(Thanks, tmftml)

*Correction: My friend's mom is Randall Terry's aunt, not cousin.

I can't believe my television was still there this morning

Did anyone notice Dubya imply that being against the war means you're a racist?
"Some of the debate really center around the fact that people don't believe Iraq can be free; that if you're Muslim, or perhaps brown-skinned, you can't be self-governing and free."

Oh, and this was priceless:
Q Mr. President, why are you and the Vice President insisting on appearing together before the 9/11 Commission? And, Mr. President, who will you be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?

THE PRESIDENT: Because it's a good chance for both of us to answer questions that the 9/11 Commission is looking forward to asking us, and I'm looking forward to answering them.

GEORGE! He's asking you why you insist on appearing TOGETHER WITH CHENEY instead of separately, AS THE COMMISSION REQUESTED! NOT why you're appearing at all!
I would have liked to see the following reporter that was called on say "Thank you Mr. President. I'd like to ask you why are you and the Vice President insisting on appearing together before the 9/11 Commission?"
And the reporter after that, etc. until he ANSWERED THE QUESTION. It was one of the very few questions that was specific enough to be useful.

My vote for most ironic statement:
"a country that hides something is a country that is afraid of getting caught."
Hmmm, I suppose that's true. Oh, by the way:
why are you and the Vice President insisting on appearing together before the 9/11 Commission?

I don't know about you, but I got chills when the Prez got all tent-revival on us:
"I also have this belief, strong belief, that freedom is not this country's gift to the world; freedom is the Almighty's gift to every man and woman in this world. And as the greatest power on the face of the Earth, we have an obligation to help the spread of freedom."
Chills of horror.

There was a distinctly nautical theme last night:
"We can no longer hope that oceans protect us from harm"
"we assumed oceans would protect us from harm"
"Oceans don't protect us".
I don't know about you, but I don't remember ever assuming any such thing. George, maybe you should've asked me, I could have told you:
"George, I'm pretty sure terrorists can go through water. If you're looking at water as your primary counterterrorism strategy, I'd say you should go back to the drawing board. Unless, of course, the Wicked Witch is planning an attack".

weekend at parsons': new film promises to do to Gram Parsons what 'Almost Famous' did to Lester Bangs

If there's a dead rock star about whom you could make a decent film it would be Gram Parsons. I have a feeling, though, that Grand Theft Parsons won't be it. The movie portrays events following Parsons death, in which his road manager and best friend Phil Kaufman stole his body and burned it in Joshua Tree National Park. Even a film limited to these events has the potential for greatness, but everything I see about it leads me to believe that they've turned it into a madcap romp that has little to do with Parsons, his wonderful music, or his complex intelligence. Apparently there are only a few snippets of Parsons' music, and I see nothing about the Burrito Bros., the Byrds, or the Stones in any of the material,so Parsons fans aren't likely to enjoy it, and since Knoxville is setting someone on fire who's already dead I don't see Jackass fans diggin' this film either- for whom did they make this thing?
I can imagine the trip this screenplay took through various human thrashing machines ("nobody cares about some damn hippy singin' cowboy- just cut right to the zany corpse heist- think you can get that Jackass guy to star?"). I bet it was great to begin with- I don't see someone wanting to do a GP movie who had no love for the music. But that music, and Parsons himself, was all about soul. Look at that trailer! And the title? What's next, a video game?
Of course I'll have to see it, and then I'll have to bitch about it some more, even though my inner Edith is going "Oh Awchie- yer docta says yer not supposed to get angry!".
Makes me wish Kaufman had allowed Gram to be buried so he had a grave to roll over in.

You say I let you down, you know it's not like that

Hey everybody- get off Bob's jock! The guy's like a hunnerd years old, he's cheated death a couple times that we know of, he wrote the Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll and Masters of War- more potent stuff than you'll ever come up with- let him do a damn underwear ad!
It's better than Hearts of Fire, for God's sake!
Sorry, folks. I'm no big fan of Big Corp., but if I'm frottaging seventy and somebody says "We'll pay you to do a lingerie ad, and you don't have to wear it", I'm in! I'd be all like "Something's happening here and I think I know what it is!".

niftygeist

Antigeist has a groovy new look, and her picturelooks more like her than my picture does of me.

If you're happy and you know it say a swear

Powell Calls U.S. Casualties 'Disquieting'
Hey Colin Powell- why don't you take a big fat flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Way to 'support the troops', you living breathing dingleberry.
Would you call it 'disquieting' if it were your own kids being blown the fuck up, you stupid piece of shit? Actually, I take that back. You're not stupid. But of course the US casualties are nothing. How about those Iraqi civilians? Says here 5,000 to 10,000 dead. That's 33 civilian deaths for every US military death. That's pretty impressive for a war that ended a year ago. Soon there'll be nobody left to liberate!
Oh and Colin- how about that boss of yours? He really seems to be working hard that 60 percent of the time he bothers to show up:

This is Bush's 33rd visit to his ranch since becoming president. He has spent all or part of 233 days on his Texas ranch since taking office, according to a tally by CBS News. Adding his 78 visits to Camp David and his five visits to Kennebunkport, Maine, Bush has spent all or part of 500 days in office at one of his three retreats, or more than 40 percent of his presidency.

Wow, I wish I could get that kind of vacation time where I work.
Well Happy Easter to the entire Bush administration. I sincerely mean it when I say I consider the lot of you colossal, stinking, toilet-clogging, turds.

Celine solution

Somebody give the bitch a ride already!
via Left Pedal

"hello", she lied

The Center for American Progress details the inaccuracies in Condy's ng statement.
via American Leftist via Soundbitten, prob'ly via some other damn place. No I'm working, really!

Dude!

A young British gymnast somersaulted to save his life in a 33ft fall from a hotel window.
Too bad this guy wasn't a gymnast...

shoes for industry

This sentence is going to be resonating in my my head for days, spoken in a deep, stentorian voice:
"I think we are living in a Golden Age of Weird Shoes".

hey, isn't that Norah Jones' dad?

Today is Ravi Shankar's birthday. He turns 84. Still seems to be going strong. Raga, Raga against the dying of the light!

Late-nite talk show monologue joke, hoop dreams edition

Fans of the UConn Huskies are celebrating their NCAA victory, as are body-image activists- why? They have Husky Cheerleaders!
That one needs work. After these messages I'll be peeing on Joan Embry, so don't touch that dial!

the boxer rebellion

No Pants Day 2004 is Friday, May 7th

"fun any way you eat it"? What if I shove it down my throat with a weedwacker?

Saw an interesting item in the grocery store yesterday. Do you ever just feel exhausted after having to fix yourself a peanut butter sandwich? Allow me to introduce you to PB Slices. Yes, Jules Verne, we now have sliced peanut butter. It's the funner peanut butter. The ones I saw had jelly on one side. If I see these in your house, I will know- you's one lazy motherfucker.
I'm really just pissed they stole my MC name.

late? he'll probably never show up!

What with all the talk about the tenth anniversary of K. Cobain's death, I'm reminded that sometimes if you're famous and you die you get a preface to your name. "Late Nirvana frontman" Kurt Cobain. "Slain civil rights leader" Martin Luther King. "Former Ugandan dictator" Idi Amin. "Sir" Peter Ustinov. I thought it might help journalists if I gave them a few ideas in the unlikely event that I become famous before I die. Below please find some suggestions:
Fast-living slow guy
Snappy dresser
Legendary Masturbator
Pioneering non-sequitist
Flatulant bon-vivant
Formerly punctual, now late
Oft-naked somnambulist
Seminal Seminole
Cheerful nihilist
Former homosexual
Slim, slow slider
naughty fatalist
philandering philanthropist
Television's beloved late-nite talk show monologue guy
Penultimate Tattoo non-haver
Nipple enthusiast

Friday Quiz

Which of the following band names are dirty, and which just sound dirty?

10cc
Steely Dan
Loving Spoonful
Radiohead
Vanilla Fudge
The Vines
Wu-Tang Clan
Bush
The Minutemen
Sigue Sigue Sputnik
The Backstreet Boys
Joe Walsh
B.A.L.L.
Breeders
The Strokes
Gary Lewis and the Playboys
Butthole Surfers
Peter and Gordon
Meat Puppets
Transvision Vamp
The Archies
Dixie Chicks
Cat Power
Neutral Milk Hotel
The Soft Boys
Boyz 2 Men
The 1910 Fruitgum Company
Stone Pony
Dick Hyman

...a No-Prize for the reader with the most correct answers, or with the best suggestions for either category!

wow, that was fast!

If you're down in the South Street Seaport neighborhood today, say hi to my town's new "fast ferry", which managed to crash before we even got it. When I first heard about this, I assumed it was an April Fool's gag, but when you live in Rochester it's April Fool's Day all year long.

Listen to the ferry captain reporting the accident
(Okay, that part's fake)

Monk's weekly horoscope

Your Birthday Today: Your hard work and determination this past year has really paid off. Give yourself a big pat on the back!

Aries: Relationships with family members take center stage today.
Taurus: Romance is right around the corner.
Gemini:A long-lost friend will contact you.
Cancer: You will find satisfaction in completing that project you've been working on.
Leo : Take some time today to collect your thoughts before making your next move.
Virgo: Curl up with a good book!
Libra: It's a good time to start a new health regimen.
Scorpio:Keep that legendary temper of yours in check, and you'll make progress with your new romantic interest!
Sagittarius : Today, work on your listening skills.
Capricorn:Do something nice for an older person today.
Aquarius:Spend some time outdoors.
Pisces: Don't be afraid to try a new look!