The Monk Bought Lunch

My ghost drives around with a bag of dead fish*

Scientists may have explained that feeling you get when you're alone but feel as though someone is right there with you. That's all well and good, but how do they explain that feeling you get when someone is right there with you but you feel like you're alone?
Oh, right. That means you're hanging out with a scientist.
Naw, I'm just kiddin'. You're cool, scientists.

*that's just a Handsome Family lyric, nothing autobiographical here.

late nite talk show monologue joke, firewater and brimstone edition

Looks like Hugo Chavez got a lot of folks bent out of shape with his speech to the UN last week, in which he called George Bush an alcoholic and "the devil". But you know who I bet's really pissed off?
Alcoholics and the devil!
*straighten tie, hitch pants up*
When we come back, Larry King vs. Don Cherry in the clash of the cufflinks!

ps- that's the Hockey Night in Canada Don Cherry, not the Don Cherry with the plastic trumpet.

swan be startin' somethin'

This is a sad story, and reminds me of the time I fell in love with my corkscrew. I guess it was the way she would do some jumping jacks, and then I'd have wine.
(via Zeebah)

ok, back to bitchin' 'bout the gubmint

Tony Snow on the NIE reports:
I think it's important -- one thing that the reports do not say is that war in Iraq has made terrorism worse.

Wow. Oh, wow. Just... wow.

Mission accomplished!

This just in: the Bush Administration today declared victory in The War On Terrorism Getting Worse. Americans took to the streets to be mildly trepidatious at the fact that they can now rest just as uneasily as they did before the war.
Woo.

So, $319 billion, what, 2200 American military deaths? 43,000 something civilian Iraqis dead, etc. etc.?

one thing that the reports do not say is that war in Iraq has made terrorism worse

Hey, Tony. 'Member when you got all weepy about your cancerous colon back when you took over that podium? Well, to borrow a phrase from a Mr. Zimmerman, now's the time for your tears.

so, how was your weekend?

Mine was good.

obligatory excuse note post

Watch this space, please. Things will be put on it again, things that'll make you fuckin' cry (as a former boss of mine used to describe his favorite sandwich- "so good it'll make you fuckin' cry"). Life stuff plus tech SNAFUs means little to no posting.
If you're like me and you love watching David Caruso lower his sunglasses and nasally intone some nonsense like "We'll be keeping both eyes on you, Peno", you'll love this.

give that man a bullhorn

"I thought, personally, he had to go to the bathroom."

saddam: closet Kids in the Hall fan

Saddam listened silently but lost his temper when a lawyer described Iraqi Kurdish rebels as freedom fighters. "You are agents of
Iran and Zionism! We will crush your heads!" he shouted.

He then framed the lawyer's face between his thumb and forefinger and squeezed them together.
It is not known whether the lawyer then placed his thumb in front of his face and shouted "nobody home!".

the two sides of tattoo

Good Herve:

Love that conjoined twin effect.

Bad Herve:

To be fair, I've been known to scream at Aaron Spelling when I watch TV, too. I think we can safely say that Spelling had a hand in ruining all our lives.

Bonus side of Herve: The Forbidden Zone side

catch a waltz and you're sitting on top of the world

At WFMU's Beware of the Blog, some fine fine Japanese surf guitar renditions of classical themes. Pour your coffee, flip open the paper, listen. And for God's sake close your robe!
Fur Elise is my favorite.

all god's children have a place in the choir

My sister-in-law directed me to this site, and, although I've barely scratched the surface (of the site's contents, not my sister-in-law), I already know it's worth sharing.
I went straight for the "Video Proof" when I first got there.

the injury occured right here: the aria where the tail meets the Finn

Squirrel in spokes floors cycling opera singer

Adding insult to injury was the Carl Stalling music that mysteriously accompanied the incident.

maybe they lashed themselves there to resist the sirens' song

4 dead tied to a Maine bed and breakfast*

"If only they had been able to free their hands, they would have been able to take the scones out of their mouths and breathe", a police officer who was the first to arrive at the scene said. Christo and George Bush are rumored to top the list of suspects.

*UPDATE: sometimes I think the editors-that-be are watching Broadway B and I- no sooner do we make fun of their idiotic headlines than they go and change 'em. "4 dead tied to a Maine bed and breakfast" was the headline this morning

Crikey!

Steve Irwin killed by stingray while filming a segment for a series called "Ocean's Deadliest". Way to prove your thesis, Steve.
From the AP story:
...he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous bard on their tails

A poisonous bard? Oscar Wilde? G.B. Shaw?

"He came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,"

Make a note: stingrays aren't into that kinky shit.

lazy bloggers choose YouTube

I remember when Rap first hit the scene (yeah, we know Grandpa). I remember kids locking to Rapper's Delight and Apache (if you're unfamiliar with "locking", think Rerun- if you're unfamiliar with Rerun, lucky you), then things getting a little more lyrically sophisticated when The Message and White Lines came out. I also remember that there'd always be some oldster (ie someone the age I am now) who'd be baffled by the whole thing: "They're just talking over music? And nobody's actually playing the music? Where's the skill in that?". So we'd ask them to have go at it:
"Well my name is... uh...."
That's right, sucka. It's so easy you forgot your own name.
Ever since then, everybody seems to, at one time or another, think "I could do that".
Except now they're videotaping themselves doing that and putting the videos on YouTube. Which means when you're stuck in the house and deathly tired of Springer and Mathis, you can while away some entertaining hours watching their antics:

I think everyone's seen the Average White Homeboy, so I'm not going to bother with that. If you haven't seen him, go to YouTube and find it. You'll be glad you did.

This guy's actually not too bad, relative to some of the attempts you're about to see. But a. I hate him, and b. it kinda takes something away from how badass you're trying to be when you're apparently trying to make sure nobody hears you, MC Underdablanketwidaflashlight!

Emo kids sporting that Peppermint Patty hairdo can't rap.

Hey, snotty skate punks! If you're going to do a rap that uses the word "motherfuckers", don't enlist the aid of some innocent four year old. Also, "Six motherfuckers from MIT"? Are engineers scary now?

This is kinda cute. But if you've got stagefright in your own bedroom I'm afraid it doesn't bode well for a career in da biz. I know you don't want to wake Mom and Dad, but turning the page on your lyric sheet shouldn't drown you out completely.

These guys are great, especially the kid who just fills in the "yeah"s. Put 'em in front of a Benz with some girls in bikinis and they're right up there with Sisqo on the talent scale.

I watched this a couple times and I can't quite decide if it's supposed to be funny. But it sure is! Now, when I see some dumbass kids tryin' hard to be gangsta, I can atonally squeal "we so ghetto" at the top of my lungs and laugh and laugh...

I guess I'll stop with the best of the worst (so far). we may revisit this topic, so keep your notes.