Yeah, everybody else is doing it so I did it do.
Here's my Tahoe commercial.
Not so subversive, really. I'm actually afraid they might want to use it.
George Bush met with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to discuss softwood tariffs yesterday. Bush said "I assured him that our intention is to negotiate in good faith...to resolve this issue. I appreciate your pushin'" (The article says 'pushing', but I heard him on the radio- it was 'pushin'').
Incidentally, "I Appreciate Your Pushin'" is my favorite Adina Howard song.
Adina Howard. Remember her? Had a hit in 1995 with "Freak Like Me"? Died penniless and alone in a Secaucus NJ hospital, of a swampy crotch? That Adina Howard?
She didn't? Why not?
When we come back, Rob Schneider will be here. He has no idea I'm going to puree his intestines with a Hamilton Beach 6 Speed Hand Mixer!
Workaholics struggle to say "No" to work
Um, yeah.
Also, insomniacs may have trouble sleeping.
Man, there are so many damn jokes to be made about that I don't where to start.
Overheard at the job:
Student to librarian:
"I want to do a paper linking creativity and mental illness"
Me to me:
"Don't you want to finish your photo essay on the homeless first?"
For a long time now, I've been composing a rant in my head the central gist of which is that one overwhelming characteristic of those on the Right end of the culture war is an utter lack of a sense of the ridiculous. For example, I realize that the previous sentence is ridiculous, whereas someone like Bill O'Reilly would open a book with an equally unweildy sentence. "They" do and say things with complete po-faced seriousness that make the rest of us stammer and spit and go "Whaaaaa?" all Moe Syzlak-like.
This is not the rant, which I am frankly having trouble composing. I can't quite get my head around it. How do these people manage to reach adulthood without devepoling this awareness? Does it have to do with homeschooling? With privilege? Are they just fundamentally different?
Another reason that I have not finished composing the rant is that choosing examples is hard- there are sooo many, and sooo many favorites.
Also, it occurs to me that maybe I don't even need to compose the rant, as "Righties have no sense of the ridiculous" is pretty much the underlying theme of The Daily Show.
Y'know, like this.
Charlie Sheen Joins Chorus Of 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists
Now that's just sad. Was a time when he would've easily snagged lead tenor.
Sometimes I feel like I get everything wrong. Like when I see that cell phone commercial in which this guy's cubicle neighbor is doing this puppet show with his cell phone, and the neighbor makes his cell phone say "Where's your phone? Where's your phone?", and the guy is really annoyed and says "um, my phone is at home"? When I see that commercial, what I think is happening is this: this guy who doesn't have a cell phone and is fine with it encounters his asshole coworker who has a cell phone, and is reminded of the old aphorism "assholes love them some cell phones". But then it turns out that somehow the commercial is supposed to make me want to get a cell phone. Wait- I was supposed to identify with the cell phone puppet guy? I want to punch the cell phone puppet guy!
So, case in point number two: I hear on the radio that Elliot Spitzer has caused a bugaboo by comparing Upstate NY (which is where I live don't tell) to Appalachia.
My thought? "Uh oh. Appalachia is gonna be pissed".
'Course, turns out Spitzer's comparison of our economy with that of Appalachia was inaccurate; Appalachia's is better.
So wait- does that mean I got one right?
I've already made known my opinion of St. Patrick's Day. Today I'd like to add to my list of peaves. It's the tourists, the amateurs. Why this insistence that "everybody's Irish" on this Gae-est of holidays? I wasn't African-American, or a president, in February, why should you be Irish in March? But if you really want to be Irish, ditch the shamrock pin with the flashing LEDs and try some of these fun activities:
1. Boil something. All goddamn day.
2. Move back in with your mother at 30.
3. Eat what your mother boils you.
4. Move to Paris and write a bunch of plays in French.
5. Move to Paris and write incomprehensible novels about poo.
6. Make sure your eyeballs resemble the pickled eggs in the jar at the pub.
7. Close the curtains! What goes on in this house is no one else's business ferchrissakes.
8. Become inexplicably maudlin at the drop of a hat. Aside from these episodes, display little to no emotion.
9. Keep a picture of JFK on your wall, but vote Republican.
10.Those sweaters you all wear on St. Paddy's? Way too clean. If they don't have cabbage and pipe tobacco stains on 'em, you ain't Irish.
What's that you say? You don't want to be Irish anymore? Too good for us, are ya? Let's see how good ya are after I blacken yer eye!
Hot pepper kills prostate cancer cells in study
In related news, Colonel Mustard killed Mrs. Peacock with a candlestick in the billiard room.
Apropos of nothing (is that the smarty-pants version of "not for nothin'"?): when you hear the name "Rosamunde Pilcher" are you unable to avoid thinking to yourself "climbing up the Eiffel Tower"?
Just me?
Oh.
I guess we know who won't be publishing Bush's memoirs.
McGraw, Hill Blast Katrina Cleanup Efforts
Woman Marries Dolphin.
Well, that's fine. But dolphins are polygamous, so don't come crying to me when one day you find the note:
"So long, and thanks for all the fishes".
Don't forget the rug. President Bush never does.
(via Crooks and Liars)
In yesterday's White House Press Thingy, some wingnutty radio guy asked Scotty Mac:
"Did the President watch any of the Academy Awards for prostitution and sodomy last night?"
As it turns out, he did- but only because he wasn't aware that the Oscars were on.
I'd like to suggest to the folks in charge of the internet that they place the word "definitely" at the top of every page of every site. Thanks.
Here's how much I know sports:
When they reported on the TeeVee that Kirby Puckett had died, my reaction was "Now what's going to happen to the Union Gap?".
R.I.P. Ali Farka Toure.
Niafunke is a Sunday afternoon and evening staple in the Monk household.
HELLP LAYDIE AND HUR HUSEND FINE CAMO CLOSE IF YOU HAVE KIDS THAT IS GOOD TOO
'Course, it helps if you know where Macedon is (hint: the sticks).
a.) It will occur during the introduction of co-presenters Dakota Fanning and Jean-Claude Van Damme
b.) Immediately following Sunday's broadcast, Damon Wayans will attempt to trademark the word.
c.) Actually, the word will be heard during the performance of a song from the film "Hustle and Flow", a film about the feminine hygiene industry during the disco era.
What do you get when you put Carnie Wilson in a canoe?
Damon Wayans has encountered resistance in his attempt to trademark the word "nigga":
"While debate exists about in-group uses of the term, 'nigga' is almost universally understood to be derogatory," Boulton wrote to Wayans' attorney, William H. Cox...
...who has had troubles of his own trademarking his last name.
(via TMFTML)
These critters are so cute, I was inspired- I'm gonna go home and break something on my cat.
I'm kidding of course- unless he has once again neglected to wash the dishes...
What in the hell is Baretta doing?