The Monk Bought Lunch

gimme a sweater

Rolling Stones Fans Clash With Police?
Huh? Really? I saw this headline and had to check to make sure I hadn't stumbled on some archived news from 1968. Clashing with police over the Rolling Stones? For heaven's sake, why? We are informed that the rioters were trying to get into the concert without tickets- um, yeah folks- this may be news to you- these days you gotta pay to see the Rolling Stones. Oh, and that whole "Street Fighting Man" thing was kind of a shuck and jive even when it came out. "What can a poor boy do"? I might suggest checking out a band that doesn't look a pile of old rope and doesn't charge $900 a ticket.I bet there's lots of them, right in your home town! Think of it this way: if you think you're angry now, imagine how angry you'd be if you'd bought tickets and actually seen the Rolling Stones?
The following piece of journalizashun befuddles me:
More than 50,000 people wearing Stones T-shirts and wagging-tongue tattoos attended that concert. A similar crowd was expected Thursday night.
I mean the t-shirt business is surprising enough- you'd think at least one or two people would be wearing, say, a pink polo shirt- but 50,000 "wagging tongue tattoos"? And 50,000 more the next night?
The only answer I can come up with would also explain why they were rioting: Buenos Aires is a very, very strange place indeed.

when i was back there in seminary school

You may have noticed that this blog now has a new name. I decided that there are too many other Monks plying the cyberwaters.
Why "The Monk Bought Lunch"? Many of you will recognize this as a line from perhaps the silliest of Doors songs. I realize that "the silliest of Doors songs" is kind of like "the worst episode of The War at Home", ie. they're all silly, but I think The Soft Parade is the silliest, and that "the monk bought lunch" is the silliest Doors lyric. Second place goes to "I see the bathroom is clear" from Hyacinth House.
If this blog has any aspiration, it is to be to blogs what the Soft Parade is to the Doors' recorded output.
Also, at any given moment, it is almost certain that I have recently bought lunch.

late-nite talk show monologue joke, wascawwy wawyer edition

In yesterday's press gaggle, a reporter asked, in reference to an appearance the prez would be making to promote his health care "strategy",
"Is he going to give us any new wrinkles?".
To which Scott McClellan replied, "No, that's the Vice President's job".
Man, that hunting accident's just the gift that keeps on giving, ain't it?
*aim and fire pretend rifle at sidekick*
When we come back, you can watch Jeff Altman mug for the camera while musing about who the last minute cancellation was!

remember that old kingston trio favorite?

"I'm the guy that pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry, oh dum de dum dum dee...".

this just in

Apparently someone managed to snap a photo at Corpus Christi the other day, and Monk has the exclusive:
Warning: Disturbing Image

2 things, real quick

1. Scott Stapp is just too funny, especially when you can say things like " After Wedding, Cops Stop Scott Stapp" or "Scott's Tapped".
2. I used to want to be a rock star, but now I'm glad that if anyone writes about me they won't call me "rocker Monk", or say things like "the rocker's ongoing battle with cream cheese and Chinese hot sauce". I'm more of a day bed, really.

the heart is a lonely hunter

Hunter Shot by Cheney Has Heart Attack

A statement from Cheney's office said, "The vice president said that he stood ready to assist."

To which Whittington replied, "Thanks, Dick. How are you at getting BIRD SHOT OUT OF PEOPLE'S FUCKING HEARTS?".

captive audience

So I have this guest pass for a Bally's gym, and the girlfriend and I (or "my child bride" as I like to call her when I want to piss her off and creep everybody else out)went. Now, I don't know if any of you have ever been to these kinds of places, but it's kind of like working in a factory, but you pay the factory. And nothing is produced.
So while I was pumping away on one of those recumbant stationary bicycles and keeping half an eye on the guy on top of the corner stony crag waving a pitchfork and fanning the flames, I stared at the bank of televisions in front of me.
I had the enormous good luck to be able to see Larry King's coverage of the Senate nerve gas scare. They keep the sound off on the TVs so your enjoyment of the music is in no way diminished. Because who wants to miss such soul-jarring segues as Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Cold Shot" followed by that "I Got the Power" song followed by BTO's "Takin' Care of Business"?
What was I getting at? Oh yeah- Larry and the gas.
So, through the magic of closed captioning I got to read the unfolding drama- the story they were covering was that two hours previous, a senate office building had been evacuated to a parking garage and all the evacuees were waiting to find out if they could leave the parking garage.
Which seems to me the kind of story where you'd go "Here's the situation- we'll let you know if there are any developments", and proceed with a show that might interest somebody somewhere. Shows how much I know- Larry King quickly gathered together a panel of experts that included a lady who'd been in Japan during the subway gas attack, and I don't really know who the other people were, but one was wearing a tux. The great thing was the quality of the conversation. I'm going by memory here, but I think it went something like this:

Larry: So, if I'm Mike Brady, Lucy Blahblah would be Janet. How's it going up in your square, Lucy?

Lucy: Hello, down there!

Larry: So Lucy, since we don't know anything about what's happening now, why don't you talk about something else that happened somewhere else once?

Lucy: Sure thing, Larry. It was the subway and people were clutching their chests and writhing around on the ground.

Larry: But as far as we can tell, that's not happening here.

Lucy: That's right Larry.

Larry: You, up there in the tux, approximately Peter Brady- what are the symptoms we'd see if this were a nerve gas attack?

Tux: Well, Larry, the symptoms include blurred vision, difficulty in breathing, some other stuff, and death.

Larry: Thanks guys. What I'm gonna need you to do is to rearrange those words each of you just spoke and say them in a different order whenever I point to you for the next hour. Got that?

Lucy: That sounds swell, Larry.

Tux: Aye-aye, cap'n!

Larry: And you, the other guy- Bobby Brady- once in awhile you go "If I could just jump in here for minute Larry" and then ask Lucy or Tux to rearrange their words again.

Other Guy: Affirmative, Larry.

And that's just what they did, until the Senators were allowed to leave the parking garage and Sgt. Schneider of the Capitol Police had a press conference to say "no gas-apparently the sensors smelt it but nobody dealt it", and everybody lived happily ever after.

Oh, and Sgt. Kimberly Schneider? Am I the only one who thinks she's kinda hot?

this headline deserves a better joke

Early Version of T. Rex Is Discovered

It looks like this and has some seeds and stems inside the jacket.

(Thanks BB)

bite my head off, why dontcha?

"Since the day of my operation, I have a face like everyone else," Dinoire said, reading from a prepared statement.

Someone else, dear. I think you mean someone else.

paging Dr. Moreau

This slipped by me the other night. Probably because I was sleeping.

I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research, human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling or patenting human embryos...

What if I want to practice my love on a cat lady? Meow!

incisive political commentary can be found else(every)where

Looking at these pictures from last night's SOTU, I'm overwhelmed by an urge to throw pretzels:

Damn! Just missed!

Oh! Soo close!

SWISH! Two points!