The Monk Bought Lunch

the mind, it boggles

As the company vice chairman, Coughlin received a base salary of $1.03 million in his final year with the company. A filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission last April said Coughlin also received $3.09 million in bonuses and other income in fiscal 2005. Coughlin held about $20 million in Wal-Mart stock, according to an SEC filing last February.

Given that I can barely cover my rent and I manage to stay honest, I can't really imagine making this much money AND deciding to steal.

But wait! Let's look at WHAT HE STOLE (among other things):

a cooler, two cases of Smirnoff, two cases of Miller Light beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a carton of tequila

Smirnoff? Miller Light? Jack Daniels?
Why shore Granny, we need sumthin' t'wash our vittles down whilst we're settin' around the see-ment pond!
C'mon, Coughlin- you're mega rich AND you ain't paying, you might as well go for the good stuff. Y'know Miller makes a Genuine Draft...

now i know how joan of arc felt

The event will end with the resurrected Jesus singing an as yet undisclosed song from the top of Manchester's town hall.

I vote for "Big Mouth Strikes Again". "Friday, I'm in Love"? Informal poll in the comments, please.

(via Czeltic Girl)

now, angry person on craigslist, let's think about this:

If you're going to do number three, you might as well skip one and two.

note to Malaysian authorities

I know- "2 weeks for delivery" my ass!

fun with pronouns!

[Sen. Robert Byrd] said he had become convinced that Judge Alito was "an honorable man who loves his country and loves his Constitution. Can we really ask for more?"

Yeah, Bob, we can- how about a nominee that loves our Constitution?

Q:What do Monk and Ignatz Mouse have in common?

A:A fondness for bricks.

See ya next week y'all.

stand beside her

As someone who attended university in Canada, I have since considered it one of my missions to correct the popular image of Canada as a place where everyone runs around being polite and giving each other free medicine and just progressing all over the place in general. Whenever Canada acts as dumb as the rest of us North Americans everyone seems surprised. They're just as lunkheaded up there as we are- just maybe more timid, and let's not forget there aren't very many of them.
Want proof? Two words: Brian Mulroney. If you don't remember him, look at some old pictures of Ronald Reagan. See that face permanently affixed to his ass? That's Brian Mulroney. Add to that Canada's history in regard to its native population, the pollution it sends us across the Great Lakes, and the fact that nowhere have I seen more crazy people sleeping on the street than I have in "Toronto the Good", and you begin to wonder how Canada has fooled everyone for so long.
So, yes, Canada elects conservative. Gasp. Shocked expression. Our Canada? That Canada? Whatev.

with apologies to jeff foxworthy...

...wherever he is.
You know you're a supremely untalented rapper when...
...you steal lyrics from Luther Campbell.

Gainin' on ya!

Why can't I have a mayor who will, in one speech, reference P-Funk and turn Pat Robertson's attack dog back on its owners?
(Via Titivil)

I much prefer to be run over in the early afternoon

There was no reason for you to come smiggins from nailing me wuth your car, especially that early in the morning.

"Come Smiggins! Here boy!".

yikes!

Hey, what kinda knot you usin'?

I'm a heck of a blogger

Sorry about the lack of updates around here. Just dropped by to see what condition my condition was in, but thought I'd mention this:
President Bush made his first trip here in three months on Thursday and declared that New Orleans was "a heck of a place to bring your family"

'Course, he also told Mike Brown he was doing "a heck of a job".

Leaving aside that for Bush, any city where most of the bars don't proof is probably okay with "the family", I think I've deduced a quirk of Bushspeak: "heck of a" means "crappy".

Okay, back to not blogging.
Have a heck of a weekend!

addendum to previous post

So I posted on Craigslist a response to the Scabble player:

You wrote:
"Hi I am looking for a freindly game at a coffee shop or wherever."

I'd love to play with you, but I might have an unfair advantage since I can spell both "Scrabble" and "friendly".

I'm sure there are some readers who will think: "Geez, give the guy a break- they're just typos!", to which I'll reply: have you ever posted on Craigslist? Do you know how many times you have to look at and approve what you've written before you can publish it? A bunch, that's how many. And the majority of Craigslist posts are one or two sentences in length, ie the Scabble player's. Am I guilty of a typo or many on Monk? Yes, but usually in some longer diatribe, and not in the headline ferchrissakes. Also, I couldn't resist the irony in misspelling Scrabble. 'Cause it's a word game! Get it? So's Boggle! Ha.
So then I get an email from someone with the email address Wellllendwd@an internet provider which shall go nameless but which has to do with this great country of ours being online.
Wellllendwd probably means "well endowed", but I prefer to think it means "We Lend Wood". Anyhow, they wrote to say "LOL!". "Linseed Oil Love"? I dunno. At any rate, thanks Wellllendwd, and I'll let you know when I need to borrow some wood. LOL!

now there's a challenge

Scabble or Boggle anyone? - m4w - 36