The Monk Bought Lunch

Big pimpin'

I just received an email from John Kerry with the following subject line:
Three Women Candidates. You. The Next 72 Hours

Awww yeah...

rip...

...that guy with the face.
He'll always be John O'Connor to me, monkey-boy!

Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a register rings, an angel gets his wings.

I was yakkin' with Anti the other day, and of course the War on Christmas entered the conversation. And I went on a long-winded rant about how I have nothing to say about it- it's beneath me to even argue about it, it's such unadulterated nonsense, and most of the fun of Christmas leaked out of me during a 10 year stint in retail, so y'know what, whackos, have your Christmas and you're welcome to it - I don't give a whit whether a big box store says Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Dandy Diwali, Phlegmy Chanukah, or what, since I won't be going in them anyway. Although I might make a special trip if a store were to give a nod to Festivus by having a continuous loop on the PA of Jerry Stiller yelling "I got a lot of problems with you people!" and "serenity now!"-
I'm actually pleased that this whole thing is happening- not only because I've been looking for an excuse to surrender Christmas to the dep't. of "that's for other people", but because this should finally nudge O'Reilly over that edge of "complete joke" he's been tottering on for some time now. I've been browsing through many of his statements on this topic, and I've yet to find a lick of sense in there. Reading them, I began to feel nostalgic for more reasonable, moderate conservative media voices like Wally George. As far as I can tell, every statement O'Reilly has made on the subject amounts to demands that we shove the money changers back into the temple. Or, maybe more accurately, shove a temple up a money changer. But what the hell- , as I interpret it, the issues involved here are as follows: Jesus, Shopping, and fundraising for Christian Conservatives. Jesus, in my opinion, modeled some Very Good Behavior in a Very Popular Book (and I'm pretty sure he knew the difference between between a felafel and a loofah). Shopping is Something to Avoid, and whatever Christian Conservatives do to separate fools from the money they were lucky to get together with in the first place is between the selfsame blind and naked, so long as they keep it between the legal ditches. So I don't really have a dog in this fight.
To me, all a holiday is really good for is relaxing with family and friends. I'll say "happy whateveryougot" if it means I also get to say "pass the ham" or "mmm, buttery",or even "please stop punching Uncle Monk in the groin". Yet nobody seems to be hollering about the fact that we get to do less and less of that every year.
I'll leave it to others to try and wrest Christmas out of the hands of those who seem to believe that being a Christian means you own the calendar from Halloween to New Year's, and that every dollar spent during that time should be sprinkled with holy water.
While they're doing that, I'm going to close my eyes and pretend I'm running down Main Street in Bedford Falls, joyously screaming "Serenity Now, movie house! Yummy Felafel, Emporium! I got a lot of problems with you people, you wonderful old Building and Loan!".

I guess that's all the nothing I have to say on that subject.

Oh, the humanity!

Mayor Bloomberg: This is not only an affront to the concept of public service; it is a cowardly attempt by Roger Toussaint and the TWU to bring the City to its knees to create leverage for their own bargaining position.

Click here to see a proud city brought to its knees. Warning: disturbing images of New Yorkers walking, some of whom appear to be a bit cold. Also, that one guy's rollerblades could get caught between a couple slats in the bridge!

Don't look, Ethel!

"I want to keep it dangling out there to keep everyone uneasy," Lott said of his plans to run for leadership should he not retire.

hey honey, i've got an idea- when we get our new coffee maker, let's get one that makes coffee!

ROCHESTER, N.Y. Dozens of people told the State Board of Elections today that they want New York's new voting machines to be accurate, tamper-proof and accessible for people with all sorts of disabilities.

I don't know about you, but I'd feel kind of stupid standing in front of a Board of Elections and telling them that voting machines should be accurate and tamper-proof. I suppose if we don't tell them they reserve the right down the road to say "if you wanted them accurate and tamper-proof you should have said so"?

in which monk channels the spirit of emily litella

I don't see why there's such a hubbub over the fact that Governor Schwarzenegger can't use "commute" in a sentence. I, for one, have never exactly taken him for a genius! I mean he, uh, what? What's that?
Oh. Nevermind.

will monk complain about news shows again? the answers may surprise you!

I guess in an attempt by Fox to convince us that their "local" news anchors are human and actually do stuff, they produce these news segments in some giant underground lair carved into a mountain and then send them to the affiliates to plug the local anchors into. "Insert local anchorbot reciting scripted info here". Then they advertise that this segment will be on the next airing of the evening news. But they don't just advertise it- they advertise the living shit out of it. Every single commercial break on our Fox channel consists of one car dealership ad, at least one ad for injury lawyers (and not to get off track, but do most cities have as many of these as we do, or are Rochestarians just constantly falling down manholes and having anvils dropped on their heads or something? How are there enough injuries that are someone else's fault to support all these guys?), and one ad for the latest hardnosed Fox report on, say, "turkey makes you sleepy" or "your child's car seat makes a lousy sled", or, increasingly lately, something along the lines of "how to tell if Our Lord God really likes you".

Whatever it is, it's telling that, with everything going on in the world, and even though Fox puts the word "news" on the name of the show that comes on every evening and has the people behind the desk (actually, come to think of it, I think Fox has scrapped desks- desks are for eggheads- on Fox we just sort of hang out and report the "news), the segments that they choose to tout are not only not news, but they're virtually content-less.

Take yesterday's. The commercials trumpeted, "Did you know there are chemical and psychological reasons we like to shop?".

Whoa Nelly.

I hate- HATE it when my television asks me questions and won't allow me to answer them. Because yes, my friendly appliance, I do know that when we like things it's because we derive pleasure from them and that pleasure is the result of activity in the brain. Chemical and psychological activity. Now, as it happens I do NOT like to shop, but there are other things I like to do, and I'm betting that for every one of those things there is a chemical and psychological reason that I like them.

I can just imagine a bunch of slick-haired weasels sitting around a board room at Fox saying things like "let's really push that shopping story, the one with the tautology about pleasure- the kind of idiots that watch our channel eat that shit up. Most of them probably think they like to shop because it pleases the fairies that live in their tum tums. Oh- speaking of eating, did you know that flavor is the result of chemical activity in your mouth? Hey, let's do that next week!".

everyone is trying to get to the bar...bara Walters special

Saw an ad last night for an upcoming Barbara Walters Special. The announcer said the title of the special, Heaven: Where Is It? How Do We Get There?, and followed it with that old standby, "the answers may surprise you".
Now, I'm amazed that the whole "answers may surprise you" cliche ever works to pique someone's interest, but that might be because I don't hang around with total morons.

I suppose anything you don't know already "may surprise you", but when you're talking about the speculations various traditions make about the afterlife, what could possibly be surprising? How can speculation surprise you? It might surprise you that I have a fourteen inch penis, but it shouldn't surprise you that I say I have a fourteen inch penis.
Also, note that this an ABC News presentation. ABC News asks the question "Heaven: Where is it and how do we get there?", as if it's like "How can I peel onions without tearing up?" or "Do I need to declare tips on my income tax?". "How do I get to Heaven?".

The only thing that would surprise me would be if they actually answered the questions. Baba Wawa says "hewe's how you get to heaven", and then they drive there in the ABC News van and actually show it to us, complete with Spaghetti Monster happily flying about.

That's the beauty of it -- it doesn't do anything!

Haven't you heard this line somewhere? A movie? A TV commercial? Rings a bell, doesn't it?
Well, doesn't it?
Update: See also

one past "now I've seen it all"

For reasons I don't care to explain to the likes of you, I was just trying to find the words to the "Pointy Birds" poem Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr recites in The Man With Two Brains, and found this.
Huh?

nothing to say but it's okay

That lyric has always bugged me- is it okay that he's got nothing to say, or has he nothing to say except "it's okay"?
Well, it's okay. Here's a picture of a thing .
Here's a different picture of the same thing .

sh(r)ill

Blixa Bargeld reads from a home improvement catalog. Perhaps he holds the secret to the Bettie Serveert/Ikea mystery.
More here.

via Metafilter

there were rumors he was into field hockey players

I don't know what my friend A.B. googled to find this link he sent me, but I can imagine his disappointment.

this may be hard for you to believe...

...but there were lots of knobs at this year's NAMM convention.