"Yesterday's melee,...included punches, slaps and beard-pulling".
No, not that- this.
Image of Wilt Chamberlain, er, Jesus, seen in tree.
Which reminds me- If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong.
The White House sent the Onion a C and D. What's that you say? You thought the White House was all pro-life and shit? No no, that's a D and C. Anyway, the White House ordered the Onion to Cease and Desist using the presidential seal on their website. In response, the Onion's lawyers requested that the president cease and desist being so fucking funny.
knock heels together, brush lapels, do 'stick pencil in one ear and pull it out the other' trick
When we come back, Jonathan WInters will show us how he can still do that granny voice!
(Thanks, Czelt!)
*not to be confused with "lawyers guns and money". You know it's a bad pun when you have to explain it.
Love me some Craigslist:
Non-conformist Guy Seeks Like Minded Female Companion
Maybe they can get together and repeat the Non-comformist Oath.
Oh, yesterday's White House Flesh Creeping (I'm getting into the holiday spirit, cut me some slack) was delicious:
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, Helen, the President recognizes that we are engaged in a global war on terrorism. And when you're engaged in a war, it's not always pleasant, and it's certainly a last resort. But when you engage in a war, you take the fight to the enemy, you go on the offense. And that's exactly what we are doing. We are fighting them there so that we don't have to fight them here. September 11th taught us --
Q It has nothing to do with -- Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, you have a very different view of the war on terrorism, and I'm sure you're opposed to the broader war on terrorism. The President recognizes this requires a comprehensive strategy, and that this is a broad war, that it is not a law enforcement matter.
Terry.
Q On what basis do you say Helen is opposed to the broader war on terrorism?
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, she certainly expressed her concerns about Afghanistan and Iraq and going into those two countries. I think I can go back and pull up her comments over the course of the past couple of years.
Q And speak for her, which is odd.
And also, what did you just say about Helen's mom?
The press corps raked Scotty Mac over the coals on the choreographed teleconference, and I think someone might've tripped him. I'm not sure, but I think at some point Terry, Helen and the gang were circling him on their choppers and swinging chains.
"You bent over to push three. I pushed 8."
With all the breuhaha (haha) about this idiot woman (okay idiot couple) who just had her (their) sixteenth child*, I’m reminded of one of my favorite stories from the biz we call show. There is, after all this time, still disagreement over whether this incident really occurred, but here is the purported exchange between Groucho Marx and a contestant on You Bet Your Life:
GROUCHO: "Why do you have so many children? That's a big responsibility and a big burden."
MRS. STORY: "Well, because I love my children and I think that's our purpose here on Earth, and I love my husband."
GROUCHO: "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
This has all the usual earmarks of an Urban Legend. The details vary -different number of children, sometimes the contestant is a man (which really puts a whole different spin on Groucho’s remark), some people claim to have heard/seen the remark on air while others claim that it was edited out- but the weird thing is that Groucho himself couldn’t even decide if it had really happened. Anyway, good story. Read more here.
*of course, this has already been all over blogtown, but Dana wins for best headline: "I sincerely hope this woman's uterus drops out of her the next time she sneezes"
An aqcuaintance of mine has started up the Electronic Word Preservation Guild, and needs your weird emails. Strangely, I don't get many weird emails that aren't your garden variety spammy things. And I guess by virtue of their being "garden variety" they are not weird. Unless it's my garden you're talking about.
In Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris satirizes haute cuisine restaurants and their vertical foods, chronicling his trip to a restaurant that serves "suffocated peaches" in "aspirin sauce".
A chef friend of mine just sent me a link to the website of a restaurant called The Fat Duck.
This is what makes satire so difficult these days. Actual items from the Fat Duck's menu:
MANGO AND D0UGLAS FIR PUREE
LEATHER, OAK AND TOBACCO CHOCOLATES
SADDLE OF VENISON
Their "Philosophy" statement begins:
"No food is intrinsically disgusting".
So, they had to work at it.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So try and be more aware. Or do I have to come over there and make you be more aware?
No response yet from the pro-domestic violence front.
There has to be a joke about Stone and Moss here somewhere. I mean one that wasn't already made here.
I would totally eat this.
(Thanks, Cardhouse!)
And by the way, ulcers are not caused by excess stomach acid.
Saw this headline this morning and thought "That's great!". Then I saw the article was by Bob Novak and thought "Oh, he means that like it's a bad thing".
But apparently someone is, and had $102.50.