If all beer commercials were this good, I'd probably drink the stuff!
Oh. Right. Nehmind.
(via Metafilter)
Wrote this yesterday, then abandoned it as one thought kept leading to another. Then Titivil kinda scooped me, so I thought I'd toss my 1.5 cents in:
Wow, alot of talk last night about the "lessons of september 11". I find that curious, since Iraq was NOT a "central front on the war on terror" until we made it one, and I guess I'm a little in the dark about what, exactly, those lessons are. GW said "we will not allow our future to be determined by car bombers and assassins". No, instead we've let our future be determined by guys flying planes into buildings. It's diffurnt!
I've been racking my brain trying to come up with some lessons of September 11. Y'know, aside from "be very careful who you make friends with".
Let's see, there's "Jet fuel is very, very hot when it's burning."
So, you know, don't use it to barbecue chicken wings.
How about "Bad things happen to good people?"
Ummm, "Dan Rather gets weird when he's tired". Well, we already knew that.
This one, for sure: "New Yorkers really know how to deal with monumentally fucked up shit. The rest of the country, not so much".
Oh, and there was this one: "In the event of a national emergency, Saturday Night Live will alert you when 'it's okay to laugh again'". Phew! Thanks, Lorne!
National tragedy plus popular music equals "Christ on a bicycle, please turn it off!".
Here's something I really don't think was a lesson of September 11: "When a bunch of Afghan-trained Saudis crash planes into your buildings, always attack a nearly defenseless country that poses no threat to your national security to settle an old grudge and provide hugely lucrative no-bid contracts to your corrupt friends. But don't really plan it or devise an exit strategy".
I guess I just don't think that the thing about terror attacks is that they're instructive. The thing about terror attacks is that innocent people are hurt and killed. How would you feel about an analogy? Once, in Boston, I was walking down the street when a guy staggered out of a bar, walked right up to me, and swung his fist at my face. He missed, but if he had connected, what would the "lesson" have been? Don’t Walk? Bars harbor terrorists and should be blown up? Boston is part of the Axis of Eeeevilll?
There was more, from which I have spared you.
Some jokes I'm considering about John Walton:
Goodnight, John-Boy!
Cleanup in aisle 10- bring a mop!
Heaven has a new greeter.
Investigators are searching for the plane's black box and purchase receipt.
Yeah, mebbe not.
Anti has complained about the YUCK factor around here lately, so, today, pssst! Hey kid!
You wanna see a cute puppydog?
I think it's obvious what's going on in the park, but there are strange-ass people
involved.
Farm Animal Friends. I'd like to take an informal survey: are the women in this group
a. sexy
b. creepy
or
c. sexy because they're creepy?
Or, am I just deeply damaged?
(via Eye of the Goof)
Now that we know the identity of Deep Throat, isn't it about time we learned the identity of that other great mystery man of the modern age?
Well, I hope you're sitting down. I've kept this secret bottled up for too long. Yes, that song is about me.
I realize there are doubters out there. You doubt me, don't you? Don't you? But think about it. Who else do you know that walks into a party exactly like he was walking onto a yacht? Don't I always stand in the door and wave and yell "I'll send you a postcard!"? Have you seen me gavotte, or do anything else, without one eye on the mirror? Not convinced? Let me ask you this, then: how do I wear my hat? That's right, you can't deny it, I wear it strategically dipped below one eye.
The apricot scarf is a red herring. Carly knew I always wore a red herring, but that would have been too easy.
I'm relieved to have finally unburdened myself of this terrible secret, and I really just want to be left alone now. If you need to find me, it should be easy- I'm where I should be all the time. Unless I'm with some underworld spy. Or a wife of a close friend. Thank you.
Gee, those McSweeney's bits just write themselves, don't they? Don't they?
Scummy McLuscious on the insurgency: Watch as I steadfastly refuse to answer your question, and throw in a little Foghorn Leghorn* impression for good measure!
Q Scott, is the insurgency in Iraq in its last throes?
MR. McCLELLAN: Terry, you have a desperate group of terrorists in Iraq that are doing everything they can to try to derail the transition to democracy. The Iraqi people have made it clear that they want a free and democratic and peaceful future. And that's why we're doing everything we can, along with other countries, to support the Iraqi people as they move forward. The fact that they are making great progress on the political front is significant because that helps defeat the terrorists, because the terrorists don't want to see democracy take hold. They don't want lasting democratic institutions to be put in place. And that's why we are standing with the Iraqi people as they move forward on the political front.
We're also standing with the Iraqi people as they move forward on -- to address the security situation. We are working side by side with Iraqi forces now to defeat those terrorists and regime elements who want to derail the transition to democracy. And every day we move forward on democracy and training Iraqi security forces is every day closer that we are to succeeding in Iraq.
Q But the insurgency is in its last throes?
MR. McCLELLAN: The Vice President talked about that the other day -- you have a desperate group of terrorists who recognize how high the stakes are in Iraq. A free Iraq will be a significant blow to their ambitions.
Q But they're killing more Americans, they're killing more Iraqis. That's the last throes?
MR. McCLELLAN: Innocent -- I say innocent civilians*. And it doesn't take a lot of people to cause mass damage when you're willing to strap a bomb onto yourself, get in a car and go and attack innocent civilians. That's the kind of people that we're dealing with. That's what I say when we're talking about a determined enemy.
Q Right. What is the evidence that the insurgency is in its last throes?
MR. McCLELLAN: I think I just explained to you the desperation of terrorists and their tactics.
Q What's the evidence on the ground that it's being extinguished?
MR. McCLELLAN: Terry, we're making great progress to defeat the terrorist and regime elements. You're seeing Iraqis now playing more of a role in addressing the security threats that they face. They're working side by side with our coalition forces. They're working on their own. There are a lot of special forces in Iraq that are taking the battle to the enemy in Iraq. And so this is a period when they are in a desperate mode.
Q Well, I'm just wondering what the metric is for measuring the defeat of the insurgency.
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, you can go back and look at the Vice President's remarks. I think he talked about it.
Q Yes. Is there any idea how long a last throe lasts for?
I think the "Terry" in this exchange is Terry Moran from ABC News. I'd like to know for sure because he deserves a kiss on the mouth for "is there any idea how long a last throe lasts for". And I don't normally swing that way.
But, lest we forget, “The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people”.
Yeah, as are some of the detainees.
Is it just me, or is there a lot of bad logo designin' goin' on these days?
"Hello, is this Barbara Boxer's Pac for a Change? Yeah, uh,do you deliver?"
I don't make it a habit to comment on the outcome of celebrity trials. A trial is not a public referendum, it's a forum in which one's guilt or lack thereof is decided by a jury of your peers based on the evidence, which is supposed to be convincing beyond a reasonable doubt. So when a jury acquits somebody, they're not saying he/she is innocent; they're saying that the evidence was not sufficient to convince them beyond a reasonable doubt. When said jury has reached their verdict, my opinion of the accused's guilt or innocence is not only boring but irrelevant.
Having said that, where do you find a jury of MJ's peers? Wouldn't it look something like this?
Har har, Michael Jackson is weird, dontchaknow.
"I haven't made up my mind about social security". Okay, well, there are some complexities, I guess. I mean not really, it's just another stick-em-up, but I guess there's some room for debate.
"I haven't made up my mind about Iraq". Well, if you're still on the fence about this one I doubt there's much I could tell you that would knock you off. Still, you could say something about getting rid of Saddam and he was a bad man and all that and I wouldn't necessarily be forced to initiate a whoopin'.
"I haven't made up my mind about the Patriot Act". Well, now you're pushing it, but I could still probably keep my fists in my pockets as you spout the usual rubbish about sacrificing some liberties in the interest of national security.
"I HAVEN'T MADE UP MY MIND ABOUT LYNCHING"? ? ? ?!
My foot would be forced to make an appointment with your ass.
Look, Senator, maybe you didn't read this right. It says we're sorry for not making lynching a federal crime, thereby turning a blind eye to the murder of thousands of African Americans. Oh, you DID read it right. Woops! Was that your head I just caved in? I'm sorry, sometimes when I carry a lead pipe my hand just gets all sweaty and I accidentally swing it in a roundhouse motion until it meets an obstacle.
Sorry. See how easy that is?
UPDATE: Here's a list of the luminaries who refused to sign. They've got a lot of 'splainin' to do!
RIVERVIEW - Patricia Sato said the charges against her daughter are exaggerated.
Charity Lynn Sato, 20, isn't capable of committing sexual acts with the 11-year-old boy she was babysitting, she said.
But she acknowledged her daughter isn't so sure.
``I'm not saying all of it didn't happen,'' Patricia Sato said. ``I asked Charity what happened, and she said, `Mommy, I was drunk. I don't remember.' ''
Charity Sato was arrested Saturday on charges that she forced the boy she was babysitting to use a sex toy on her twice during a 2 1/2-week period ending this past Tuesday.
She was drunk for 2 1/2 weeks?
Her mother said she is a good person. ``She's a very sweet and loving and caring person, and she loves children,'' Patricia Sato said.
Well, see, I think that's the problem.
Wait, I want to try a little experiment here:
Ben Stein said the charges against Nixon are exaggerated.
Richard Nixon, isn't capable of committing sexual acts with the country she was babysitting, he said.
But he acknowledged Nixon wasn't so sure.
``I'm not saying all of it didn't happen,'' Ben Stein said. ``I asked the president what happened, and he said, `Ben, I was drunk. I don't remember.' ''
Richard Nixon resigned over charges that he forced the country he was babysitting to use a sex toy on him twice during a 2 1/2-term period.
Ben Stein said Nixon was a good person. ``She's a very sweet and loving and caring person, and he loved the country,'' Ben Stein said.
Yeah, I think that works.
(via Peace Dividend)
Press gaggle. That sounds like fun, doesn't it? Not like a press briefing at all. Conjures up images of a bunch of reporters kinda waddling around, maybe eating tiny sandwiches, and chumming around with the press secretary. I always imagine them all sitting on the floor and maybe McClellan sits on a chair in the middle and reads to them from the Big Book of Lies.
"Can everybody see that? See, here's the trailers, and here's the aluminum tubes".
Here's the foot Scurvy McLemon got off on t'other day:
MR. McCLELLAN: Good morning, everybody.
Q Good afternoon.
MR. McCLELLAN: It's before noon.
Well, it may be before noon but it looks like somebody needs their nap already!
Chemical May Inhibit Male Sex Development
"This is clearly something that needs to be examined in a larger sample," said Shanna Swan, a professor at the University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry who headed the study
Doctor's today successfully separated the fused legs of a Peruvian baby, known as the Mermaid Girl. Her father has requested that they be fused back together when she turns fifteen.
*run in place,tug on ear, say something like "Hay-o!"*
When we come back, the top ten reasons Monk does not write for a late-nite talk show!
Deep Throat is Felt.
Yeah, you all knew that already. I just thought it would be fun to say "Deep Throat is Felt".
Now you try!