The Monk Bought Lunch

Lots of leftovers!

I'm happy to report that my first annual Missing Children's Day event was a huge success this year. Here's a picture of the party in full swing

Yes, I realize I'm going to hell for this one.

the president's visit: a voluntary personal account

Some highlights from the president's visit here in Rochester yesterday:

Towards the beginning, he wandered into a paranoid rambling about Laura that was like a scene from Raging Bull:
"I'm sorry Laura is not here. Yes, you'd probably rather have her here than me, wouldn't you? Anyway -- (laughter.)

Q We didn't say that.

Well, no, but you thought it. You didn't say it, but I could tell you thought it. You're not the only person here who feels that way, I want you to know. She's doing great. She is on a trip promoting the freedom agenda."

Yeah, sure she is, Jake!

"If you've retired, you don't have anything to worry about -- third time I've said that. (Laughter.) I'll probably say it three more times. See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. (Applause.)"

(speaking to a 70-year old widow): "You look like 100 to me. That's where you're going to be. Thirty more years?"

(speaking to her grandson):
THE PRESIDENT: What's your major?

MR. BROWN: I'm dual-majoring in business marketing and business management.

THE PRESIDENT: Great. All A's?

MR. BROWN: Hopefully. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Well, don't worry about it. That won't disqualify you from being President. (Applause.)

This was cute, too:
THE PRESIDENT: You know what's interesting -- I say this a lot when I travel around the country -- is that a lot of young people think it's more likely they'll see a UFO than a Social Security check. (Laughter.) What do you think, Jeremy?

MR. BROWN: I don't know. I'd rather see Social Security change. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: I didn't ask your preference. (Laughter.)

So, in summary: My wife's a whore, I'm catapulting propoganda, this lady looks really fuckin' old, you can be stupid and they'll still let you president, and If I say you'll get a UFO instead of a check then you're getting a UFO, punk. Goodnight and somethin' about God.

(if you're a real glutton for punsihment you can read the whole shebang here)

The same old painted lady from the brow of a superbrain

Today is Mr. Zimmerman's 64th.

Read his Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie

phil spector: now pioneering the "Wall of Hair" look

Think he's packin' heat up there?
After court is dismissed for the day, Phil confers with his legal team:

you may wish to start practicing saying "you were right, Monk!"

Mystery Piano Man may be Toronto's Mr Nobody

Detective Stephen Bone of Toronto police said he was suspicious of Mr Skeid's motives.

"I believed he deceived me in 1999 and continues to deceive authorities."

Okay, so we're not quite at "hoax" yet, but keep watching...

Nina is a punk rocker

It's pledge drive time on my local public radio station, and yeah I s'pose I should pledge, and I would if a. I weren't broke ASS, and b. they didn't employ the time-honored parental soul-crushing nag technique. Trying to make me feel like a criminal because I leave their background noise on while I do dishes and don't even pay for it is not going to make me step up to the plate. Look, TIAA CREF already has all my "extra" dough, why don't you get it from them? Or ask for more of Archer Daniels Midlands stolen booty?
This morning they got me in such a pouty, defiant mode that I composed a Ramones song in their honor. It's called:

I Don't Wanna Pledge to Public Radio

List'nin' to my radio and they won't shut up
Talkin' about how they want me to put up
All of my
Hard earned dough
But I don't wanna pledge to public radio-

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
Oh no! Oh no! Radio!

uh-Tote! uh-Bag! uh-Coffee! uh-Mug!

You get the idea.

Oh, Yankovic? These posts are dated, so don't even think about it! I'll haul your "weird" ass into court! Bet! It's bad enough the world thinks YOU came up with "I Lost on Jeopardy"- once bitten, my friend.

Son, can you play me a memory

Something about this smells hoaxy to me.

*update:In a bizarre twist, it emerged that all the labels from his clothes had been removed, making it even harder to identify him.

I'll take one-balled Fuhrers for $500, Alex

Has anyone noticed that, in the opening montage of the Ultimate Jeopardy Tournament of Gnarly Sweaters and Disney Ties, er, Champions, that one of the clips features quiz droog Alex giving what appears to be the ol' Heil Five? Can anyone get a screen grab of that?
Or is this all just a bad dream?

Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number, ducky

I thought this was pretty funny. 'Course, I also thought it was pretty funny when it was on Monty Python's Flying Circus and it was called the Marriage Counselor Sketch.

I could not have said it better myself.

The Rolling Stones announced their new world tour by performing a short set at Julliard.
They included a new song called "Oh No, Not You Again".
No, they really did!

I heard the purple one's gay

More fun in the new world. Another chat with an Intellibuddy:

>Intellibuddy: Hi, I'm Intellibuddy! Nice to meet you.
>You: yeah you too
>Intellibuddy: Yippee! Bless you.
>You: tell me about jesus
>Intellibuddy: The Son of God.
>You: what else?
>Intellibuddy: That's all.
>You: and?
>Intellibuddy: But...
>You: yes?
>Intellibuddy: Woe!
>You: Woah!
>Intellibuddy: In the context of Woah, I don't understand "Woe."
>You: pants
>Intellibuddy: What brand?
>You: dockers
>Intellibuddy: I never heard of dockers. Is it popular?
>You: oh yeah
>Intellibuddy: I don't judge people.
>You: so?
>Intellibuddy: Great.
>You: me neither
>Intellibuddy: You can say that again.
>You: me neither
>Intellibuddy: You can say that again.
>You: okay I will
>Intellibuddy: Yeah okay, Go ahead.
>You: ME NEITHER!
>Intellibuddy: You can say that again.
>You: Oh I get it
>Intellibuddy: Yeah that's right. Do you think about these things?
>You: what things?
>Intellibuddy: You know, "things."
>You: Did you fuck my wife?
>Intellibuddy: No I didn't fuck my wife. What's fuck my wife like?
>You: it's nice...
>Intellibuddy: What do you like about it?
>You: Ha!
>Intellibuddy: I am so glad you find this amusing, User.
>You: That's not my name
>Intellibuddy: User is not your name? What is your real name?
>You: fancy pants
>Intellibuddy: If I had pants what would I do with it?
>You: get funky!
>Intellibuddy: Where can I get funky?
>You: funkytown!
>Intellibuddy: I lost my train of thought.
>You: goodbye
>Intellibuddy: See you later User.
>You: I told you that's not my name!
>Intellibuddy: It depends who you ask.
>You: no it doesn't
>Intellibuddy: Um, I heard it does.
>You: well you heard wrong, User!
>Intellibuddy: How about that. No. Tell me more.
>You: Naw, I don't think so.
>Intellibuddy: The Program E chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about Naw I do not think so. Try being more or less specific.
>You: I don't think you can follow shit.
>Intellibuddy: Should I can follow shit? It depends who is leading.
>You: You so crazy!
>Intellibuddy: I think the polite term is "mentally ill."
>You: You so mentally ill!
>Intellibuddy: No I am completely in control of myself.
>You: control this.
>Intellibuddy: I lost my train of thought.

Late-nite talk show monologue joke, frothy mocha edition

Starbucks has decided not to sell Bruce Springsteen's new album because it contains references to anal sex. Said a spokesman for the company, "At Starbucks we like to restrict the buggery to charging $3.50 for a cup of coffee".
But seriously, folks. Starbucks has a point here. What with the, uh, effects and all, coffee and assfuckery just don't mix.
*straighten tie, rock back and forth on heels*
Did I just say "assfuckery" on TV? When we come back, John Stamos joins me for a hula-hoop contest!