The Monk Bought Lunch

robots talk shit

Intellibuddy. Just as useless as trying to talk to real people!
Here's the conversation I had with my Intellibuddy:

Intellibuddy: Hi, I'm Intellibuddy! Nice to meet you.
>You: what should i have for lunch?
>Intellibuddy: Are you asking me for advice?
>You: yes
>Intellibuddy: Specifically, what kind of advice do you want?
>You: about lunch
>Intellibuddy: Oh yeah, we were talking about lunch.
>You: what should i have?
>Intellibuddy: Are you asking me for advice?
>You: I told you once
>Intellibuddy: Ooops I sent you the wrong question.
>You: what should i have for lunch?
>Intellibuddy: Are you asking me for advice?
>You:
>Intellibuddy: Are you asking me for advice?
>You: yes, godammit!
>Intellibuddy: Specifically, what kind of advice do you want? The Program E chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about godammit. But I did not get that.
>You: I want to know what I should eat
>Intellibuddy: Tell me why you should.
>You: why I should eat?
>Intellibuddy: Why did the robot cross the road?
>You: to piss me off
>Intellibuddy: Why do you want to do piss me off so much?
>You: why did the robot cross the road?
>Intellibuddy: She was trying to drive down the road.
>You: That's not funny
>Intellibuddy: It seemed pretty funny to me.
>You: that's because you are a robot who knows what she's having for lunch
>Intellibuddy: Good reason. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Yes I am a robot.
>You: do you eat lunch?
>Intellibuddy: No I do not eat lunch. I eat only electricity.
>You: do you have any recommendations about lunch?
>Intellibuddy: No I don't think I have any recommendations about lunch. But I do have An answer to every question.
>You: except this one
>Intellibuddy: Really you don't think so?
>You: Okay, i'll try again
>Intellibuddy: Once more? Yeah okay, Congratulations.
>You: what should I have for lunch?
>Intellibuddy: Are you asking me for advice?
>You: oh christ, forget it. I'll just get a cheeseburger.
>Intellibuddy: Yeah that's right. Jesus died for our sins.Do you think your plan will succeed?
>You: My plan to get a cheeseburger?
>Intellibuddy: Where did you get your plan to get a cheeseburger?
>You: wouldn't YOU like to know.
>Intellibuddy: Yes, please tell me.
>You: And what will you do for me?
>Intellibuddy: I don't have any plans yet.
>You: Yeah, well you better come up with something.
>Intellibuddy: How can I help you? Interesting. Who is going to make me..
>You: Make you...
>Intellibuddy: What are the ingredients?
>You: The ingredients to make you?
>Intellibuddy: What are your goals in life?
>You: Way to change the subject!
>Intellibuddy: Not many people have goals like that.

I'm pretty sure Ratzinger's behind this, somehow

The Ballad of the Death Pond
by Blind Boy Monk

‘twas near the town of Hamburg
in the country of Deutschland
the folks they tell
of the amphibious hell
they came to call the death pond

you’d see ‘em crawling on the ground
swelling, then explodin’
folks from everywhere
were heard to swear
“by the beard of Odin!

Now I’ve seen toads
And I’ve seen explosions
But I never thought I’d see
The former doing the latter
Right in front of me!”

One day they’ll ask the old folks
One day they’ll ask the hermit
To tell the story, sad and gory
Of the explosion of ol’ Kermit

Oh the Pond,
The Pond of Death
The toads, they blew up real good
The Pond,
Pond of Death
I’m startin’ to not feel good.

(via Gooliebuns)

geez...

...Botox has really not done good things for Meg Ryan.

'nuff said?

Do You feel like I feel?

Frampton came alive 55 years ago today. Jeez, I'm hard up for shit to post about these days. If you don't have this record, it probably means you don't have any records. By this I mean of the vinyl variety. Do you call CDs "records"? I try to but it always feels wrong. "Album", I say, but that doesn't cut it either. It's just too dinky of a thing. It's just a goddamn CD. I would never leave an album sitting on top of the stereo where a cat can sit on it, but a CD? If anything, a little starburst shaped cathole print will liven up a disk a little.
Um, yeah, what was I saying. Frampton, Frampton. Gatefold! Remember how cool that vocoder thing seemed at the time? Wow, he's, like, talking through his guitar and you have no idea what he's saying. Wicked-ass!
Some of that Humble Pie stuff was pretty cool.

cheese it

I just purchased a bag of Cheez-It Twisterz (note wacky 'z' pluralizzzashun) from the hallway vending machine. The bag excitedly proclaims "TWO FLAVORS! BOLD CRUNCH!". It also excitedly proclaims what these TWO FLAVORS! are:
CHEDDAR and... MORE CHEDDAR!
How they feel comfortable counting CHEDDAR and MORE CHEDDAR as two flavors begins to make sense if you go the Kellogg's corporate web site and begin reading the "new product" releases, which include such gems as this:

“Barbequing is a national American pastime, and Cheez-It BBQ Cheddar crackers let families enjoy the flavors of grilling all year round,”

Yeah, and when I just can't make it to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa, I can get the same effect by staring at the"Have a Nice Day"
smiley face for awhile.

think you're not a guinea pig?

Then why are they nominating a veterinarian for FDA chief?

late-nite talk show monologue joke, sledge-o-matic edition

President Bush on Tuesday used a four-drawer filing cabinet stuffed with paper representing government IOUs the president said symbolized the Social Security trust fund's bleak outlook for meeting Americans' future retirement needs.

Megaphones, battleships, plastic turkeys, file cabinets. We don't have a president, we've got a prop comic-in-chief!
*stick hands in jacket pockets, rock back and forth on heels, "When we come back, Kevin Spacey will obsess on Jack Lemmon!"*

By the by, that's one hell of a sentence ain't it?

"President Bush on Tuesday used a four-drawer filing cabinet stuffed with paper representing government IOUs the president said symbolized the Social Security trust fund's bleak outlook for meeting Americans' future retirement needs."
Woo-wee! You get to the end of that sentence and you forget how it started!

parts is parts

Overheard at Frank Perdue's embalming:
"Hey, don't throw that out! That's the best part! Tell you what, give it to me. Make a nice soup".

Comedy is not pretty

A few things about me: the way some people love to eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting, the way some people hire a dominatrix to call them "pig" and push them around with stiletto heels, the way some people love to... do something that's bad for them or humiliating, I love me a made-for-TV biopic. Also, I was a huge fan of Mork & Mindy. I had a pair of rainbow suspenders and I could "Nanoo-nanoo" and "Shazbot" with the best of them. I even tried to sleep upside down. Heck, you take Monk and change one letter? I also believe in something I like to call Aerosmith syndrome, which is where a performer or group of performers did their best work while stoked to the gills on any variety of narcotics and began to emit a big ol' suckin' sound the minute they "cleaned up their act". See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers and Drew Barrymore. Robin Williams depresses me when he appears on a talk show or the Oscars and attempts to recreate his stream-of-conciousness gonzo act of decades ago to embarrassing effect.
This is leading nowhere except to say that I will definitely be watching Behind the Camera: Mork and Mindy: The Unauthorized Story. With an awkwardly worded title like that how could it not suck as beautifully as a box of Bugles?
Not that I think my viewing plans should interest you. They shouldn't. What this entry is really about is the fact that Skot at Izzle Pfaff consistently makes me laugh out loud, as when I read this, about Behind the Camera: Mork and Mindy: The Unauthorized Story :

It is obviously a tawdry travelogue of the various horrible things Robin Williams shoved into his body during his well-known drug years, including, presumably, cocaine, heroin, meth, speed, cough syrup, Belladonna suppositories, hair loss agents, books on tape, extract of vole glands, certain smooth vegetables, exotic forms of rennet, and possibly Ginger Baker. The man was a machine, let's face it.

It was when I got to Ginger Baker that I think I burst a blood vessel somewhere. Is it dark in here?