The Monk Bought Lunch

psssst! Hey kid!

Wanna see a fainting goat? Watch the video. Reminds me of a film I once saw with a bunch of narcoleptic dogs dropping one by one when they were let out to play.
(via Gooliebuns)

Did Foster Brooks ever say "Now kids, booze is really only a sometime beverage"?

Think Sesame Street's Cookie Monster and think ... broccoli? In a fit of drastic behavior modification, the cookie-addicted bundle of fur is declaring that cookies are, in fact, only a "sometime food."

This pisses me off. He's Cookie Monster, folks! As kids we loved him for his unhealthy fixation for cookies without feeling we were supposed to emulate him. He represented and caricatured a tendency all kids, all people really, have toward unrestricted wish fulfillment. Now he calmly assures children that cookies are only a "sometime food"?
That's not a cookie monster. What you've got there is a cookie enthusiast.

oh no, there goes tokyo...

Early Wednesday, a man was arrested when he tried to bring a plastic cup of water into the hospice. Officers stopped him at the gate as he shouted: ``You don't know God from Godzilla!''

Officer One: Hey, what's the matter, Officer Two?

Officer Two: Well, Officer One, that guy with the water really got me thinkin'.

Officer One: 'bout what?

Officer Two: Well, let's say a giant lizard attacks Clearwater. It'd be our job to try and stop it, right?

Officer One: Well, in the movies it's usually the army or national guard.

Officer Two: But if we were here, we'd be expected to do what we could. But here's the thing- what if that guy's right? What if I start shooting at the giant lizard, assuming it's Godzilla, but it turns out to be God? What if I'm shooting at God and yelling "It's no use! Our bullets just bounce right off 'em!"?

Officer One: How do you do that?

Officer Two: Do what?

Officer One: Your lips and your voice don't match up!

Don't look now

Hey, do you hear something?
Choose your own adventure.
(via Vidiot)

I gotcher "grand theft" right here!

I just wrote a letter to Sen. Clinton urging her to do something about the Bush Social Security Rolling Thunder Revue's use of taxpayer money to fund their no-medicine show.
I probably should have added, "If you're not too busy".

q: what do I do when I'm attacked by the educated and intelligent? a: Take a step, then a bite, then another bite

I don't care what anybody says- them creationists are just cute as the dickens (but not the Darwin! not the Darwin!).
Two precious pearls from one article:

"We've been attacked by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture," he said, adding that the school board's declaration is just a first step.

"It took 30 or 40 years to eliminate God in school, it will take probably 30 or 40 years to get him back. You take a little step first, a little bite, then another little bite and another," said Steve Farrell, a nursery keeper, who dreams of the return to prayer in class.

Gee, I think I'm sorta intelligent and educated. But now I feel like that means I should be sitting in a wheelchair in my secret lair, stroking a Persian Cat and aiming my death ray at God. And what's with this step-bite-bite dance this guy plans to do for the next 30 or 40 years? Is he one of those "Chihuahuas for Christ" I keep hearing about?

question of the day:

Que es mas "impishly fun"? "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots" o "retarded puppies"?

perhaps I'll sing a little song instead

Because the world is desperate for heroes, I present to you The Man Who Stole 40,000 Hotel Coat Hangers.
(via Cardhouse)

lazy like a fox

I haven't written anything about the Schiavo case for two reasons. One is that everybody's writing about it and I have nothing to add that hasn't been said elsewhere. The other is that it would have to be a long posting because it's one of those topics wherein each issue leads organically to several others. And baby I just don't have the time for dat shit.
But this morning I came up with the perfect headline to use were I to write a Schiavo blog. I really don't think it should go to waste, so I'm going to post this headline with an explicit living will that anyone who wants to can use it- with or without credit, I don't care. Let it be known that if my parents try to stop you from using it they are acting against my wishes which are spelled out in no uncertain terms above.
Here's the headline:
Of Credence, Clearwater, and Revival
Now, it may be that someone has already used it. It seems so obvious once you see it, right? Credence, because the Delays of the world would have you believe that this is about Terry Schiavo's rights; a sentiment which has no CREDENCE because it's really about taking the life ball and running into the endzone to score for the batshit evangelical righties. CLEARWATER, because that's where our hero the brainstem persistently and vegetatively awaits her release from both Clearwater and the mortal plane; and REVIVAL because that's what Schiavo's parents think is going to happen to Terry- admittedly, a possibility- in the same way that it's a possibility that specimens of the genus porcinus avian will burst, oinking, from my anal cavity.
So there it is- in my opinion the perfect Schiavo headline. All I ask is that you not let it fall into the wrong hands.

maybe you're gonna be the one who saves me

Robotic dolls that behave like babies addicted to drugs and alcohol are being used to teach teenagers on Teesside the dangers of drink and drugs.

The dolls not only emulate the shaking and screaming associated with infant withdrawal symptoms. On occasion they will treat the teenagers to a few verses of Wonderwall.
(via Mimi)

can't get there from here

The force generated by RollerCycle travels from your rear through your torso to your feet.
Wow, that's,like, the magic bullet of forces! Unless, of course, you have feet coming out of your head, in which case you probably don't need a RollerCycle!

something is happening here, but i don't know what it is

Hm. Black woman to play Bob Dylan. This is either the stupidest or the most brilliant thing I've heard in a long time. Well, if a Barbie Doll can play Karen Carpenter and Ewan Macgregor can play Iggy Pop (sorry- Curt Wild)...

sore subject

More fun with headlines: it looks like somebody wised up by the time they got around to posting the online edition, but the front page headline on my local rag today was this: 'Roid Rage.
Bud Selig is quoted in the article as saying "This is an embarrassing, painful problem which won't go away by itself. But the added pressure of sitting through these hearings is unlikely to help". Then, after shifting uncomfortably, he added "God DAMN it!".
Yes, ass humor. Just for you. Happy Friday!

erin go f*** yourself, or kiss me I'm peavish

I am half Irish, and people are often taken aback that I don't join the throngs of green plastic derby wearing drunks for some pitchers of green beer and a chorus of "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" (NOT an Irish song). I tell them that, though I am also half Polish, I don't go out on Saint Stanislaw's Day with my shoes tied together and walk in front of a speeding bus with my mouth full of kielbasa.

chemical attraction

Not to tread on Titivil's turf, but since it's not a Yahoo headline I figure I'm safe. Walked by a newspaper box today and saw this headline on the front page:
Lawn sprays evoke passion
'Well now', I thought,'Don't that conjure up all kinds of wacko imagery!'.
Is this an article about the mating habits of neighborhood dogs? Some kind of climactically insensitive Spring Break GirlsGoneWildness?
Well, let's us begin reading the article:

Mary Ann Cole of Rochester refuses to use pesticides in her yard.

Len Mills of Penfield refuses not to.

Sounds like a movie trailer for a really bad romantic comedy, don't it? Let the passion ensue!

you know it's been a long winter when...

...you notice some snowdrops coming up in a patch of yard where the snow has melted, and you nearly weep with joy. Like a rescue worker has moved a piece of rubble from the hole you've been buried in for 14 days drinking the condensation off a cold copper pipe. It's still going to take a few hours to get you outta there, since your leg is pinned between an upturned desk and a Cadillac, but there's hope.
People who live places with no seasons just ain't livin'. 'sall there is to it.

you know it's bad when you see homeless folks gathering around a witch's tit for warmth

Hey, Siberia. I've got nothing against you, really. Some of my favorite huskies and tigers are Siberian! But if you don't mind, could you keep your air there in your neck of the woods? It's March for the sake of Peter!
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go eat some seal blubber.

"the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours", but it's only 8:30

If these were different times and someone came to me with a story like this, I'd tell them their tin foil hat needed polishing. These days I'm willing to consider anything.

UPDATE: I should add that it's not like I'm not deeply suspicious of this story's veracity. I'm just saying that my willingness to consider the possibilty says something about the climate in which we find ourselves. Everything I can find on this is just a repeat of the same text (adding to my suspicion). Here's the home page of the Globe and Mail reporter.

585 representin'

Finally, someone has seen fit to honor my hometown in rhyme. Go here and click "Welcome to the ROC".
Favorite line? "The ugliest prostitutes you ever seen in your life". It's funny 'cause it's true!