The Monk Bought Lunch

I used to have insomnia but I slept it off

I hear a radio ad every morning on my way to work which includes the following sentence:
"People with insomnia may have trouble sleeping".
I may have to start listening to a different station, even though I enjoy Morning Sedition, because who wants to start the day by screaming at their radio:
"People with blindness may have trouble seeing!, etc.".

That kid gets no tip

Czeltic Girl posted about this image, saying "Well, one thing I recall is how to correctly do division". I would also add that the image brings to mind the shower scene in Psycho or, perhaps more accurately, High Anxiety:
"Here's your diploma!" (cue screeching violins).

"When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket"

I haven't posted about Johnny. Why? Because, what're you gonna say? I knew him through TV- he wasn't on TV anymore, so he was already dead. That, and I knew someone would have something to say that I could just cut and paste and leave it at that. I should have known that someone would be Don Rickles:
Johnny Carson is a wonderful guy, a great guy, a funny guy, a moody guy, and a pain in the ass with three or four wives—who gives a crap? Now go kiss his ass and leave me alone!
(via Vidiot)

nobody knows like me

Just got this e-mail from my sister:
Rose Mary Woods dies, 18 1/2 minute-long moment of silence observed.

When did my sister get all funny on me?
Of course, we now know that the erased segment consisted of Iron Butterfly's In-a-Gadda-da-Vida followed by 1:28 of Nixon mumbling "Where's my Vanilla Fudge record? Where the fuck is my Vanilla Fudge? I GOTTA hear 'You Just Keep Me Hangin' On'! It's the perfect follow-up! Dean, you got my Vanilla Fudge?" .
Pretty incriminating stuff.

you go to a protest with the liberals you have, not the liberals you want

One thing I learned as a skinny, bespectacled, smarty-pants kindergartenerwas that you never, ever, let the bully see you cry. You cry, bully laughs and punches you in the stomach. Please sir- next time can I help you write your sign?

once bitten

Please welcome my friend Mortimer Shy to the, so to speak, blogosphere. Please do not confuse him with Mortimer Snerd. Mister (Professor? Doctor?) Shy is not a dummy, and has never had Edgar Bergen's hand up his ass. We think.
Your grade will be determined by attendance AND participation.

no wonder they won't let him talk to the Tsunami victims

Okay, George. It's your turn to present your report on Dr. Martin Luther King.

Very well done, George. However, this sentence troubles me:
"In the space of just a few years, through the power of his intellect, the truth of his words, and the example of his courage, he left this country a different and better place, and made his own journey to a different and better place".

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Are you trying to say thet his actions turned America into a "different and better place" which he then decided to visit? Or was his "journey to a different and better place" meant to refer to his death? If that's the case, uh, you do know that he was shot in the head, don't you? I don't think Dr. King thought to himself "Gee, I'd like to journey to a different and better place like, oh, a puddle of blood on the hotel balcony!". Different? Yes. Better? Not So Much.

Why don't you try rewording that sentence for next week, mmmkay?

(via Titivil)

If Cathy's trying on a swimsuit, it must be Spring!

If you've done as much complaining and obsessing over the so-called "funny pages" as I have, you too can say goodbye to a good chunk of your life, as I have, and say hello to "I read the comics so you don't have to".
He even discusses Hi's next door neighbor Mr. Thurston who used to be referred to as Thirsty and had a red bulbous nose, W.C. Fields stylee- that is, he was a drunk. Nowadays he's just sort of generically shiftless. Because alcholism isn't funny, kids!

eats, shoots, and leaves

The now 15-year-old boy who has accused Michael Jackson of molesting him gave graphic descriptions of the singer masturbating him to a grand jury, ABC News said on Thursday after reviewing the previously secret testimony.

Is that what they're calling it these days? A "grand jury"? In our day, we just called 'em orgasms.

There is some justice in this world. Wanna see a naked one?

Mississippi book ban repealed. Personally, I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping it would go all the way to the Supreme Court.

Board member David Ogborn of Hurley opposed to lifting the ban.

"I haven't heard anything but a good response by our decision to keep this material out of our libraries," Ogborn said. "Our libraries are not a trash bin for pornographic materials."

Love the creative preposition choices made by both reporter and board member. Wouldn't you just oppose lifting the ban? Why would you oppose to it? Is it like pointing to something?

Do you have a good response by a decision? Does that mean they were next to it when they responded?

This, though, is my favorite:
"Our libraries are not a trash bin for pornographic materials."
Oh. Well, can you point me to that trash bin? And I'm sorry but anyone who's seen the offending pictures and considers them pornography, well, shit- I thought I was pervy!

boy, you can say that again!

Only 1 in 20 skins has a nice butthole
GOLD FOIL GIFT BOX INCLUDED
Kinda puts the whole sow's ear/silk purse thing in perspective, no?
(via Total Viscosity Breakdown)

obit: pioneer in torte reform dies at 86

Get it? Torte reform?

was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, Alberto?

Yale Law dean criticizes Bush nominee on handling of terror suspects
In response, the President donned a toga and gave Gonzales an inspiring speech about the importance of partying.

monk's Things to Say When You Drop Trou, suggestion #1

"They farm-raised this big boy on Santeria and voodoo".
(via Peace Dividend)

to quote chairman Flav, "Armageddon's been in effect. Go get a late pass"

Just got an e-mail from John Kerry (I think he likes me) with the subject line "Counting On You to Make Sure Votes Get Counted". Oh, you're counting on me? That, as they say, is rich. Remember the day you CONCEDED? This was the sitch in Ohio that day:
An Associated Press survey of the state's 88 counties found there were about 150,000 uncounted provisional ballots and an unspecified number of absentee votes still to be counted.
What did you have to say about vote counting then? I think it went something like this:
"Congratulations Mister President".
Was I supposed to read between the lines there?
Oh wait, I just got an e-mail from George Bush. Says here he's counting on me to pay down this record deficit. He's also hoping I can get over to Iraq and secure things for this election. "When you get a minute", he says.