The Monk Bought Lunch

guest entry from Evil Monk

My mom brought over a very cutely decorated jar, telling me it was from my Aunt _______. The cutely decorated jar had flour, brown sugar, and chocolate chips in cute layers inside it. It had a cute tag attached to it with a cute poem and cute recipe for how to make cookies with the stuff inside the jar. My mom said "Isn't that a neat idea?". I said "yeah, it's like she's saying 'Merry Christmas. Here, make yourself some cookies'". Thanks, Aunt _____. I've been sitting here all year wanting to make cookies, but I had no idea where to get flour in a town the size of Rochester. Of course, now I've gotta get my own eggs and butter. What makes you think I can get THOSE myself if I don't know how to buy my own flour? Oh, and Aunt ______? You can have the jar back if you want. I've already got one. Tell you what, I'll give you the jar back next Christmas full of shit (in layers!) and attach a cute recipe for growing mushrooms.

"Words are the physicians of a mind diseased" -Aeschylus

Whatever happened to Rich Hall? I’m sure “Sniglets” is a registered trademark, so here are some “words Monk made up”:
Loyeur- one who gets off on watching other people litigate. Could be used to describe people (like me) who are addicted to courtroom dramas, or to people who like to go sit in court in real life.
Tearjerk- can be used to describe either someone who wears too much cologne, or some punk rock kid who thinks it’s cool to have horrible B.O. Both types are nearly always jerks.
Misantaupe- a woman who believes they should win any argument about the color of a thing because their femininity makes them a de facto expert: “That’s maroon!” “Uh, I’m sorry Paul but that’s burgundy. Why don’t you stick to something you know about, like football?”
Tampa Santa- Those guys with white hair and beards who seem to populate the bars at TGI Fridays, and Florida. Usually somewhat overweight, and nearly always wearing a shirt with a tropical or nautical theme. There is significant overlap with Faux Hemingways and Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers.

More as I remember them.

Got any for me?

the only thing worse than being talked about...

Wonkette thinks Bob Dylan, but Idunno:

(via Titivil)

you don't want to call nobody else

I don't usually know just what to say to people who ask me how things are going or anything along those lines. I'm no good at summarizing neatly either my interior or exterior life.
But I think I have the perfect way to describe my life, both interior and exterior, as it is now, the next time I am asked. I'm just going to say "Please continue to hold for the next available representative" and then start singing "Ricki Don't Lose That Number" for a minute, then say "please continue to hold for the next available representative", then Steely Dan their ass again, then "please continue blah blah", then Steely with the Dan, "please", Dan, "please", Don't Lose that Number, "continue", maybe bust out with Reelin' in the Years, "hold" motherfucker, maybe Hey Nineteen fer a minute, etc.
And then I tell them I've been struggling with the nagging feeling that there is no "next available representative".

have you considered a vacation on the off-world colonies?

Sometimes the simplest ideas are the most effective.

The Floating Logos Project
(via Metafilter)

scootch closer, children. more scootching!

"Childrens'" letters to Christopher Walken.
(via Eye of Goof)

rendering the Opti-Grab obsolete

I've never had even the remotest interest in body modifications or piercings, but in the last two days I've seen two things that made me rethink that. One was something I saw on TV about a dolphin who'd been fitted with a prosthetic dorsal fin (love this line from the Yahoo story: We make tires; we specialize in foots of sort)
The other was this. I have to wear glasses pretty much all the time, and I've worn them since I was two years old, so they feel pretty much like a part of my face- why not take it to the next level? Aside: people react to a two year old wearing glasses pretty much the same way they react to a dog in a sweater. "That's so cute! It thinks it's people!".
(glasses thing via Boing Boing)

pssst! hey kid!

wanna see a frog eat a mouse?
It took me awhile to find the pale green "next" button at the bottom. If you click through the pictures backwards, it has a happy ending!
(via Boing Boing)

sweet mystery of life

Canadian scientists reveal secret of Tin Tin's eternal youth. Maybe next they can explain Little Orphan Annie's creepy lack of pupils (here's one possible explanation) or Bushmiller's ubiquitous three rocks.
If you're wondering how Jughead ate all those cheesburgers and was still so skinny, I invite you to study my eating habits. It's called metabolism, get over it!
I would like to know, however, exactly what kind of hairstyle is represented by a grid ?

who am I? Congressman James F. Sensen...bren...er..sen. I'm here to see Vice President Rosenpenis

Is it just me, or does Sensenbrenner sound like one of those names Fletch would come up with?

hammer of the gods

Another note to my upstairs neighbors:
Okay, so you aren't grown up enough to know that 3:00 AM is probably not the time to START the party. You aren't smart enough to retain in your memory the fact that I work during, uh, working hours. You aren't thoughtful enough to turn the music down after my first polite request, or to stop wrestling or cockfighting or cat juggling or whatever it was you kept doing after turning the music down to a slightly fainter thump.
I think I know, now, the language you speak. It's the language of war.
Therefore, as long as my sleep is interrupted, so will yours. At around 7:00 AM each morning, which is about two hours after you have crashed from your meth high, you will be jolted upright by the sudden sound of electric hoofbeats erupting over the hillside, followed by Robert Plant's piercing howl:
Guhnuhgugunuhguh, Guhnuhgugunuhguh, Guhnuhgugunuhguh
"AAAAAH, AH! AAAAAAH, AH!"
Yes, I come from the land of the ice and snow, you dumb Springer rejects. Down in Tallahassee or Dogpatch or wherever it is you come from, you may not have known about people like me who don't look like much but are well capable of and willing to, fight nasty for the sanctity of their caves. Whatever dreams your feeble mind creates, and I can't imagine what they would be, will be trampled by Frazetta-esque images of mayhem. "Tales of gore", if you will.
Percy, Jimmy, Bonzo, and John Paul will provide a daily thunderous daily wake-up call until such time as I have a decent night's sleep.
So now you'd better stop, and rebuild all your ruins.

"my father was an exhaust manifold and my mother was a tree"

Happy 55th to Tom Waits.

(Thanks, Dana)

anchor management

When I first read this, I was all like "woah!". But then I thought it best to read it in light of this.
(via Maud and Vidiot, respectively)

"this is the caper we've been training for all our lives"

sometimes this is too easy.

smells like victory?

Looks like the US is using napalm, banned by UN 24 years ago, in Iraq.
We sure ain't usin' no "global test", is we?
(via Cursor)

yew stole mah stoe-ree!

If you haven't seen the film Secret Window, the following will mean nothing to you. But if you have, you'll know what I mean when I say "Gee, Mr. Rainey. I think I can save you some trouble".

dave's not (altogether) here!

Pot causes psychosis?
In the study conducted in Germany, researchers found that the risk of developing psychotic symptoms was much higher in young people with a pre-existing vulnerability to psychosis.

After adjusting for influential factors, such as social and economic status and use of other drugs, tobacco, and alcohol, the researchers concluded that cannabis moderately increased the risk of psychotic symptoms. (ANI)

If I ever see one of these "researchers" I'm gonna slit their fuckin' throats. But first? Nachos!