The Monk Bought Lunch

Late-nite Talk Show monologue joke, pertaining to assholes

So they made a movie about George W. Bush having a colonoscopy. Yup, it's called Internal Spotshine of the Sunless Mind.
*straighten tie, fiddle with ear, "when we come back- Shelley Winters!"*

no-one in here but us chickens

You are How To Hide Anything

You don't answer the door when the Census Bureau comes around, and anybody might be the Census Bureau.
Which Paranoid survivalist manual are you? Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you. Who sent you anyway?

I would have been a fan's notes except for the caring about football part

You are Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski

Hey Chinaski! You somehow manage to recount in great detail everything you do even though you're death-defyingly drunk all of the time. You're horrible to look at, yet young girls let you grope them with your filthy hands.
Which piece of loser-lit are you? You don't need a goddamn online quiz, look in the mirror next time you go take a dump!

monk's horoscope is back to try to drive a wedge between mel gibson and his father

Your Birthday Today: It's also Wilson Pickett's birthday!* But if you ever get confused, he's the one with the nickname "Mr. Excitement". You? Has anyone even ever bothered to give you a nickname? Happy birthday, whatshisface!

Aries(Janutober thirtythreeth- Februne fortytwod): I like you, Aries. I'll be sorry to see you go.
Taurus(Cheesuary twelfteen-Octovembuary elevirty): You will be unwilling to concede that you dealt it.
Gemini (Nay firnth- Barch tifth): Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands, waving his penis at you.
Cancer(Nonober sinx- Julary swelfth):You will entertain the guests at your birthday party with a drunken, teary-eyed eulogy for Brian Wilson. Said guests will be unable to convince you that Brain Wilson is not dead. Also, it is not your birthday.
Leo (Cagney eighty-Lacey three and a half): Hey Leo- you're my mane man! Get it? 'Cause Leo is the lion and lions have manes! Thanks to C.Boynton for that one, I wish I could show the picture it's a riot!
Virgo(Tobleronovember umpteen- Anust frumpthy): Get up get get get down V-I-R-go is a joke in your town.
Libra(Desemblance fifween- Jinxuary melfth): You will meet a girl in a bar and ask her to be the Liz Taylor to your Richard Burton. To your surprise, she will say yes. In a matter of weeks you will be married and throwing ashtrays at each other. Why do I even bother talking to you?
Scorpio (Fatuary blinth- Drunktober brixty): You will meet a guy in a bar and… aw hell just read Libra’s and leave me the fuck alone.
Sagittarius (Partch toofth- Gargust aitch): Sad Gittarius.
Capricorn (Capricorn first-Capricorn last) : Let’s do a little guided visualization. Close your eyes and relax. You’re on a beautiful deserted island. You hear the waves lapping on the shore, you feel the sun on your face. You are content to stay there forever. The most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen approaches you and asks you to please put on some clothes before she pukes. Okay! Open your eyes! Feel better?
Aquarius(Octopuster barnf- Heplember tryst): Inspired by The Passion of The Christ, you will convince Richard Attenborough and the Farrelly Brothers to collaborate on another spiritually moving tale:: There’s Something About Gandhi.
Pisces(Abduljabbary wunth- Shaqtember hinety): Somebody upstairs likes you. He looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman and he’s wearing a muu-muu, but he likes you!

*Actually yesterday, when I started writing this but got interrupted.

Rummy Rummy Rummy...

... I've got love in my tummy and I feel like kissing you.

subvert the dominant pair-a-dicks

Here's one
This's another one
Yup.

Make your own Bush/Cheney poster

(via Vidiot, I think probably)

bad habits

Drunken Polish nun crashes her tractor, walks into bar to finish joke.
(via Vidiot)

monk discovers he still retains a teensy bit of tact, decorum. blows it by posting this.

The day after they'd found and identified Spalding Gray's body, I thought about digging out a button I had from when Swimming to Cambodia was first in theaters to wear as a salute. Then I remembered the image that was on the button and thought, mmmmmm, no.

inductive reasoning for the single guy

I see, on her bedside table, a dog-eared copy of Tom Robbins' Jitterbug Perfume. This tells me two things about her:
1.She probably wouldn't know good literature if it bit her on the ass.
2.She'll probably let me bite her in the ass.

O brother where am i?

Updates may be thin on the ground these days, or not. My normally scattered thought processes have lately gone to full splatter.
As the late great Brother Theodore once said,
"I find it hard to sit still in one spot and find it impossible to sit still in two spots".

I thought they were supposed to win because we vote for them, not the other way around

Listen to a good commmentary by Daniel Schorr about why Kerry won the nomination.

do they come with a free "i'm with stupid" shirt?

It's no secret that corporate marketeers consider the young demographic to be a bunch of congenital idiots and that this stance has served them quite well. But Holy Shit, Urban Outfitters. A t-shirt that says "Voting is for Old People"? Okay, kids, here's how it works: Voting, reading, thinking, basically anything but partying and spending your parents' money is way uncool. You just go to sleep. Someone will wake you when the keg is tapped. Or when the planes hit, whichever comes first.
I'm normally a non-violent person, but the first mall rat I see wearing one of these t-shirts is going to learn that getting your ass viciously beaten is for young people.