The Monk Bought Lunch

i'd like a second opinion

You're David Johansen, the lead singer of the New
York Dolls. You are a sexy bitch who growls
like a werewolf but can swagger better than
Jagger.. You're confident, hipper than
everyone, and you know it. You're not afraid to
wear women's clothes because you're a real man.
No one is cooler than you, you tart.
Watch out for ugly facial hair in the
future...alright?


Which rad old school 70's glam icon are you? (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

i know you want to hit that

This headline ranks right up there with one in my local paper some time ago: Soldier Gets Confinement, Discharge in Sex Case.
(via Vidiot)

Yeah, gay people getting married- now that makes a mockery of sacred institutions

WASHINGTON (CNS) -- In its report Feb. 27 on the causes of the U.S. clergy sexual abuse crisis, the National Review Board said "grievously sinful" acts of priests and inaction by bishops let "the smoke of Satan" enter the church.
The Review Board admitted, however, that, though "grievously sinful", the priests' actions did result in a "pretty kick-ass lightshow". Mysteriously included in the report was an apparently non-church related incident that took place in 1972: Frank Zappa and the Mothers were at the best place in town when some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground.

Is it maybe time to propose a constitutional amendment aimed at preserving the sanctity of sanctity?

"Momentum carried him beyond."

Should I feel bad for laughing at this story?
"He was one of the smartest, most polite guys I ever met in my life," he said. "I think he was one of the classiest guys. He had a maturity beyond his age."
He died because he thought he needed a running start to spit off a balcony. Smart. Polite. Classy. Mature. Daid.
(one of the many goddamn funny things I found at So Sayeth the Peabs)

ash, wednesday

get it?

Would you like me to manufacture fries with that?

Bush wants to reclassify positions at fast food restaurants as "manufacturing jobs", which would make the employment picture appear statistically to be sunnier than it actually is. These jobs typically (who'm I kidding? always) have very low wages and little or no benefits.
Maybe Bush's campaign slogan for 2004 should be "A Free Uniform in Every Closet".

no surprises here

You're One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!
by Ken Kesey
You're crazy. This has led people to attempt to confine you to a safe place so that you don't pose a danger to yourself or others. You feel like you pose a great danger to the man (or maybe the woman) or whatever else is keeping you down. But most of the time, you just end up being observed. Were you crazy before you were confined?
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

there's a party in my pants...

Ralph Nader enters race for President.
Contrasting responses from the major parties:
Democrats: A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush.
Republicans: (Between squeals of laughter) Hey, a vote for anybody is a vote for Bush- we own the goddamn machines you dumb fucks! Oh- but don't worry, if there's any doubt as to the outcome you can take it to the Supreme CourtHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA dude, I think I just peed my pants.

fat, tuesday

get it?

"I bet that even Howard Dean and Dick Gephardt would agree that the Democratic Party would be better off with more bowling and polka"

Short and sweet article that argues that the Democrats' reaction to Nader entering the race is all wrong, and that they ought to be trying to embrace the Nader-leaning voters, particularly those who have gotten behind Dennis Kucinich.
I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who voted for Nader in 2000 who would do so this time around, but I don't think the Democrats should take that for granted, and they won't help the situation with the bully tactic of telling us as Al Sharpton put it:"A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush".
What worries me almost as much as the prospect of another Bush presidency is the Democrats' tendency to be so concerned about ending up with a candidate that can beat George Bush, that they end up nominating George Bush.

I'm gonna steal your face

This site needs a Motorhead soundtrack.
(stumbled over most recently at Mister Pants)

sarah jessica barker

If any of you know anyone at HBO, I've got a way to capture the magic of Sex and the City on a much, much smaller budget. All you need is four Chihuahuas, a bathtub, and some breakfast sausage.

Now you can have sex OR the city, but not both

Boy, I'm really gonna miss that Sex and the City show, and all the talking about that Sex and the City show, and all the talking about talking about that Sex and the City show and what it means and who's watching it and why and how it broke new ground and showed a different side of contemporary single women and contemporary morays and cocktails and penises and dresses and shoes and that whatshername, Mrs. Broderick with her horsey face on Letterman boring the shit out of me. Did the last episode end like I said it should, with Larry David walking into the restaurant where they do their little yapyap sessions and urinating on their plates and in their martini glasses and yelling "DRINK UP YOU STUPID WHORES!"?
Yeah, I'm gonna miss that show.

monk gets on his 'electoral politics are a buncha horse hockey' soap box again, or 'don't be a nader hater'

Looks like Ralph Nader might be getting into the race, and everybody's very upset. Why? Because they think people might vote for him! Here's what I don't get: instead of telling Ralph Nader not to run, why don't we tell people not to vote for him? "Well, sure, we can tell people not to vote for him, but they might anyway". Why? "Because they think he's better than the other candidates, I guess". Doesn't that say something about the candidates we have, rather than about what a jerk Nader is for hopping in the ring? If the Democrats were a strong party with strong candidates their response to this turn of events would be "Great! Let him do his damndest, he's got nothing that's gonna cost us any votes". Instead they try to villify him for running because he presents what they know is an attractive alternative!
I'd love to see a day when a shit-scared Terry Macauliffe doesn't have to beg Nader not to run, but I won't hold my breath as long as John Kerry is the front runner. Between him and Edwards, Kerry will chase more voters towards Nader- maybe primary voters should think about that...

Q: How can I make sure the wings I serve have the authentic flavor of Buffalo? A: Try wrapping them in wet leaves, letting them sit overnight, then marinating them in an old beer ball

Corporate product websites are better than a cereal box.
Clabber Girl You can join the Clabber Girl Club! C-L-A, B-B-E, R-G-I-R-L, Clabber Girl ("Clabber Girl!")...
Frank's Red Hot Check out the Q & A section.
CAMOUFLAGED SPAM® LUNCHEON MEAT Apparently the can is camouflaged. Y'know, for camping, to make it harder to find.
More later...

I was a carpenter and you were a lady

Apparently Richard Carpenter recently moved the remains of his sister Karen to a mausoleum closer to his home (cue "Close to Me").
Which explains why he got so testy when I asked him what he had in the briefcase.

the broad, the sword, and the beast

Jethro Tull keyboard player David Palmer is now Dee Palmer, a woman "with long blonde hair and wearing make-up and black leggings".
We would've heard about this sooner, but nobody noticed.
.

Oh you kid!

Well, here it is Valentine’s Day . So naturally young fancies are turning toward one thing: suicide.

Who can blame folks for feeling today like maybe they should cancel those future breathing appointments? Valentine’s day is a holiday designed so that purveyors of garish trinkets and morsels of ass-fattening tooth decay can line their pockets with the hard-earned cash unimaginative boobs spend to prove to their actual or prospective sweethearts that they feel all warm and squishy about them. Those among us who, by choice circumstance or homeliness, find themselves romantic Hal Holbrooks, strutting and fretting our hour on the stage as a cast of one, are made to feel as though there’s something inherently wrong in that.
Every supermarket, drug store and Hallmark shop is so full of pink, red, and sickle purple that it looks like you’ve wandered into the warehouse in which the deflated nude Anna Nicole Smith Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon is stored.
Lest this sound like sour grapes, let me make clear that my feelings about This Day are not contingent upon whether I am or am not in a romantic relationship. As soon as I sense that a friendship is turning into something more…exclusive, I am sure to inform the lucky bachelorette that I do not “do” Valentine’s Day. They usually agree with me that it is a tacky and awful holiday. But I sometimes get the impression that they think I will, at the last minute, surprise them with a box of chocolates or a mylar balloon with a Care Bear on it. Nobody seems to like Valentine’s Day, but nobody wants to do anything about it.
The other day I was bitching about Today when a colleague asked if I felt that way because I never got as many Valentines as the other kids. Well, no, because at my school you were forced to bring enough for everybody in the class to get one. The Grups were afraid that kids would feel unloved or left out. Instead of feeling left out I was forced to deal with the idea that Joshua Greensplat, the kid who always had a crusty layer of snot and dirt on his face and smelled like acrid piss was, apparently, a suitor of mine. “Be Mine” he says. Well Josh- you take a shower and we’ll talk.
Speaking of crusty snot- One thing that turns my stomach on 2/14 is when couples turn it into an opportunity to rekindle their sex life through the giving of “naughty” gifts frome some quasi-porn store like Spencer Gifts. These places are for people who are afraid to be the honest-to-god perverts they don’t even know how to be in their dreams, so they fall for shit that sounds real”kinky”. Like edible underwear.
If I may say a few words about edible underwear. This is not sexy. I received a pair for my birthday once, so the girlfriend and I thought we’d give ‘em a whirl. I had always imagined something like a fruit roll-up, which, if eaten quickly enough, might be fun to have eaten off of one’s nether regions. But how to describe the consistency and texture of these edible underwear? Have you ever spilled egg white ona counter and not cleaned it up right away, so that you ended up with a cellophane-like crinkly filmy substance? Imagine wearing a diaper made out of that and you’ve got a pretty good idea of the hot and nasty thrills to be had when you bring edible underwear into play in the boudoir.
To me, V-day is all about cheap and tawdry expressions of something that ought to be much more special, private, intimate and all that junk. Or so I’ve heard. I look around on Valentine’s Day and I see folks comparing whose partner spent the most on them, who went to the fanciest restaurant, what kind of jewelry they got, etc. etc., as if these things have anything t do with love. If these empty displays once a year are what it takes for you to feel loved, you’re probably the kind of person who thinks that stripper really liked you.
But all this talk is depressing me. Let‘s get back to suicide. Yeah suicide on Valentine‘s Day. Why not? From then on everyone who knows you will connect Valentine’s Day to this horrible event in their lives, and will probably be in no mood to crinkle their nose up and make kissy noises with anybody. Sounds like a great idea. At first. But really what good is it to you? While I may think the ruination of valentine’s day is a cause worthy of martyrdom. I certainly don’t want to be that martyr and I’m guessing you don’t either. You want to be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
An attempted suicide, however, might be just the thing. Do you feel unloved? For this, there’s nothing like an attempted suicide. Your friends and family will flock to your bedside, tell you how much they love you, rub your head comfortingly, it’ll be like they really like you! They might even schedule an around-the-clock suicide watch in case you try it again. Let those other people have their little Valentine’s Day with one other person- you’ve got a whole staff making sure you’re still around! Of course there’s always the danger that what was meant to be an attempt turns into the real thing, and then where are you? Nowhere, that’s where! So for me at any rate that’s out too.
I think I’m just going to get me a high-priced call girl. There’s one that I think really likes me.

smoke gets in your eyes

Sometimes folks will ask me, "Monk - what do you do to relax when you're at home of an evening?".
(Via Everlasting Blort)

Here to perform "Fly me to the moon", Lance Bass and John Glenn!

The big thing at this year's Grammy's: teaming up young popsters with older, venerated musicians. We had Justin Timberlake performing with Arturo Sandoval and the Foo Fighters with Chick Corea. Beyonce' performed with Prince, who's actually 300 years old. Some suggestions for next year:
Henry Rollins and Yo Yo Ma do "TV Party Tonight", with Yo Yo Ma on Henry's shoulders and showgirls with TV's for heads dancing around.
Christina Aguilera and Carol Channing sing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend", finish with a steamy soul kiss.
Eminem and Philip Glass introduce the world to a new genre of music: Emineminimalism- hard to say, harder to listen to.
A brief rundown of other Grammy thoughts:
When I was a child I was afraid that Verdine White lived in my closet:

Philip Bailey's voice was shot.
The All-Star Beatles tribute... SUCKED!
To whoever fucked up Celine's audio- I'm not one to give out High Fives willy-nilly...

Monk's seasonal effective disorder horoscope can barely get off the couch, nevermind tell you what to do with your stupid life

Your Birthday Today: Woop-de-fuckin' doo (did I already use that?)

Aries: Been moping around asking yourself "Where did I go wrong"? I think it was when you said "Come to think of it, honey, that new toothpaste I've been using does smell like vagina!". Yeah, that might've been where you went wrong.
Taurus: Taurus the finkasaurus!
Gemini: I don't really feel like doing the horoscope this week.
Cancer:So I'm not gonna.
Leo: Damn, Girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: Yeah, like you're gonna change my mind.
Libra: Alright, alright. I'll try.
Scorpio: But it's not gonna be good.
Sagittarius: Ok. Here goes.
Capricorn: Ready?
Aquarius: Here it comes.
Pisces: Uh...

if you're selling those puppies i'll have the one with the nose ring, and other grown-up thoughts

Emma contrasts American and British attitudes re: television and "obscenity" today and I just want to offer for your consideration a couple of thoughts- bring up a couple of points if you will- or maybe just one before we cut to a commercial.
What gets me about Nipplegate, Boobapalooza, the tempest in a c-cup, the halftime show in which Janet Jackson's breast was exposed or whatever other cute nickname you want to use for the "costume malfunction", is this:
I frequently watch the network news, and when Tom Jennings or Peter Brokaw tell us that the whole WMD thing was, turns out, kinda made up, or about how environmental protection laws are going the way of, uh, trees, or about how the Bill of Rights is being treated like the thong on a roofy'd-out sorority sister, they say things like "people are concerned" or they're "worried" or "some poeple are upset that..." etc.
But what's the one word we've heard more than any other since Sunday afternoon?
Yep.
"Outrage".
Peter, Tom, and Dan:
"Viewers were outraged..."
"The NFL is outraged"
"CBS is outraged".
All those "man on the street" interviews: "I'm outraged! I was watching it with my kids!"
Okay so your kid saw a titty. What did it do to him/her, exactly? Force you to tell him/her what it was?
I was watching with my friend and his 10 year old son. My friend and I looked at each other, said "did we just see what we thought we saw?".
The kid's like "yeah, so?".
Prob'ly just traumatized, poor little bugger. I can see him on his analyst's couch, circa 2025:
"Everything seemed okay, 'til January 2004...".
Well, anyhooter, it's good to know what it takes to get folks outraged around these parts.

art films are like whiskey- can't handle 'em like I useta could

Last night I watched Beyond the Clouds, a collaboration between Wim ("I think I'll make Nastassia Kinski a Texan") Wenders and Micheaelaoangleleolo Antonionionio. Visually pretty, but too full of overly serious Europeans gravely intoning lines like "I am enslaved by your silence". At this point I spoke back to the TV: "Yes, and I am silenced by your enslavement. Two great tastes that taste great together!". Kept thinking that if I had to spend an afternoon with these people I'd end up screaming like a loon. Felt like yelling at the TV: "Take your clothes off!".
Fortunately, they did.
John Malkevich is in it, mostly just lookin' cross-eyed at the camera. So that was good. And we almost got to see Peter Weller go down on a French woman. Banzai, buckaroo!

I dunno, it's not like he showed tit at the super bowl- i mean i'm concerned but not outraged

Help convince Congress to hold the Bush administration accountable for lying to everybody.

today's special: gaseous blobs with a side of jackson boob

When folks ask me, "Hey Monk! What do you want to happen when you die? Do you want burial, cremation, what?", My answer's always the same:
"Well, when I finally explode from gaseous pressure, I hope that my private parts remain intact and draw an impressed crowd".

monk during superbowl: Could you please pass the cheese nips?

Good Superbowl this year, to my untrained eye, but did we have to see so much of that Patriots owner and his Giant Cufflinks?
Also, it would've been more exciting if Justin Timberlake had repeatedly tried to pants the refs.

monk's late-nite talk show monologue joke, gaseous edition

Harper's magazine reports that "Physicists in Romania created gaseous plasma blobs that grow, replicate themselves, and communicate". In other words, they've invented Rush Limbaugh.
*put hands in pockets, rock back and forth on heels, go "hee hee hee" or something*
Seriously though- communicate? According to most of the women I've been involved with, even I can't do that!