The Monk Bought Lunch

Tell you what I'm gonna do...

Going tonight to see some Ladislaw Starevich movies with the Tin Hat Trio providing live musical accompaniment. Strange, old-timey movies with strange old-timey music.
'Sgonna be gooood.

that's a thing that i keep in the back of my head

I'm a doofus. I went with some friends who had passes to a screening of The Big Bounce the other night, and there's a scene where one character asks the really skinny lead girl if she thought he was interesting and she says "interesting in sort of a limited way for an off night" and I was like "that's a song lyric! Where's that from?" and then I didn't really pay much attention to the next hour or so of the movie 'cause I was trying to unearth that memory from under the empty Jack bottles in my brain.
Three days later and it comes to me: Paul Simon. I Know What I Know, from Graceland:
She looked me over
And I guess she thought
I was all right
All right in a sort of a limited way
For an off-night

Doofus, of the genus Dorkus Malorkus.

"Irtysh... Omsk" "are you drunk?"

Russian army rescues kegs of beer
The troops celebrated by tapping a keg, drinking several pints, and trying to say "the River Irtysh, near the city of Omsk" ten times fast.

the hippo hunter

All I can think of now is Christopher Walken in some steamy back room in 'Nam with one of these.
(thanks to Everlasting Blort)

...and we'll follow that up with Kerry Wears Boots!

My favorite of the Dean remixes. I know it's cheap, but so am I.

24 hour me-to-me talkathon

I'm busy, dammit! Go 'way and read about Brainbeau!

Two antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding sucked, but the reception was great.

I know nobody's gonna believe this. Early morning is when the strangest ideas come into my head- it's also when my sixth sense or whatever you want to call it is most sensitive. So I had this idea come into my head as I was having my first sip of coffee for a bit about a guy eating edible underwear off a plate, like a meal. I almost jotted it down, but was too lazy to find pen and paper (and, frankly, didn't think it was that funny).
Then I'm surfing the usual suspects and find this at Metafilter.

That idea came to me just after the person on the radio said something about Howard Dean making "frank and sensible" remarks. I'd thought she'd said "Frankinsensical" , conjuring an image of Dean walking the aisles of a church in priest's vestments waving a senser (sp?) around.

I'm a muhmuhmuhmuhMonkay!

Me to Chinese New Year: I was born in the Year of the Monkey, and you, sir, are no Year of the Monkey!

This just in: Students at UC Berkeley take over administration building, hold 'red dwarf' marathon

I think it's time one of these TV news magazines addressed the epidemic plaguing today's college campuses: godawful Acapella groups and Improv troupes. These seem to attract the unimaginative youngster the way a half-eaten Werther's under the refrigerator attracts ants.
They all have names that conjure up images of people in Danskin tights and berets, which images most of the time turn out to be accurate. And they're all so smug! Like they think they're "cutting edge" because they're doing a Billy Joel song. And of course they all love the Bare Naked Ladies and don't seem to understand that the Simpson's is making fun of them about half the time: "Um, you do know that you're Milhouse, right? And you know you're the Comic Book Guy, dontcha?".
If you think Improv groups in the real world don't suck loudly enough, go check out your local college or University's, which will be called Over the Edge or Stitches (if they're at the med school). They'll hit you with the usual "give us an occupation" and then you get to watch them go "uh, uh, uh," and then come up with the obvious gag for any situation. Or not! Sometimes even the obvious will elude them and they'll quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail! And that will be funny because it thinks it's people, like when those dogs wear tutus in the circus!
I hates kids...

monk starts day with spit-take, still smells like ruby red grapefruit juice

Did anybody hear Howard Dean on NPR this morning? They talked about how he didn't sound like a defeated candidate and then played this sound clip of him saying they're going all the way to Washington. But it was the way he said it. He kept getting more agitated until he reached this fever pitch, then ended with a scream I can only describe as bestial. It was like Harvey Keitel was running for president. There's something way wrong with that guy. I wonder if he's ever attacked anyone with a loganberry.
Listen to the NPR report(in the Iowa Caucus story). I think the relevant part is about 4 minutes in.

fleshmonk
thanks, Vidiot!

the singer's gone but he's not forgotten

As if the Sex Pistol's reunion weren't sufficient to convince us of their irrelevancy, now Johnny Rotten, or Ol' Poopypants as I like to call him, is gonna be on one of them there reality programs. I think they put washed-up celebrities somewhere they don't belong and throw stuff at them. Should remind Johnny of San Antonio.

story found via Voltage : neckties and contracts not included

everyone says i love you

Like the Stones' Ian Stewart, Zeppo Marx voluntarily took a backseat to the other Brothers despite the fact that by all accounts he was hilarious offscreen. Of course in the end he turned out to be the sanest of them all, so maybe he made the right choice. I've always kind of wished the projectionist could fast-forward the mushy romantic Zeppo parts, which probably means I'm one of the people who make SPAZ, the Society for the Prevention of Abuse toward Zeppo marx, necessary.
Prospective members of SPAZ are expected to "Be willing to speak out or write whenever evidence of unnecessary criticism or overlooking is discovered that goes above and beyond legitimate, objective film criticism (such as, "Zeppo was not a key player in COCOANUTS")".
Lofty goals, SPAZ, but I just can't help channeling Groucho here:
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member".

monk's horoscope is a cold italian pizza, could use a lemon squeezer. would you do?

Your Birthday Today: You will exude an aroma evoking nothing so much as a smellier variety of New World Primate. You will visually resemble one as well.

Aries: Like Norrin Radd, you will be doomed to this wretched planet, forever hopeful of returning to space and again soaring among the stars. Asshole.
Taurus: You are a main, main, mashayn.
Gemini: The charts are unclear. Something about either shaving or shaking that ass. Choose carefully.
Cancer:You will be bad, yes. However, you will fall well short of being nationwide.
Leo: Your shit is so far up in my face my eyes are brown.
Virgo: With your New York brim and your gold tooth displayed,
Nobody give you trouble cause they know you got it made.
Libra: Put that fuckin' almanac away! Whaddaya, want to get us all arrested?
Scorpio: Don't worry, she doesn't know your name either.
Sagittarius: You will require a refresher course on the "shit-Shinola dichotomy".
Capricorn: This isn't your horoscope, but I just thought of this line: Hey Nicole Richie! Why don't you once, twice, three times blow me! What do you think, is that funny or what? Huh? Horoscope? What're you talking about?
Aquarius: You will go to some dumb Merchant-Ivory-ish film called "A Bonham for Helena" or "A Meadow of Skirts" or "Parasol Family Snoozefest" or some shit for your first date. You will drink that bottle of wine you purchased for said date's after-movie tete-a-tete all by your lonesome.
Pisces: Your upstairs neighbor will play "Sugarshack" over and over again all weekend.

Are you sitting there thinking 'this sitting here thinking is okay, but i wish i felt really icky allasudden'

Ned Flanders and Fritz the Cat meet up with Cheech Wizard in Elfquest land, attend a Promise Keepers rally.
Link via Cowboy Sally

Criswell predicts: In the future satire will be impossible

This article from the Onion seems eerily probable to me.

Start Draggin' my heart around!

The friend that gets me a portrait of me and Stevie wins best friend ever for life. I don't suppose they'd do one of me blowing coke up her ass while Joan Jett rides me like a pony?
(link via Mimi Smartypants)

thanks to dr. morris and dr. reynolds i don't hear the voices anymore!

You may think you want me to quit smoking, but smoking keeps the ooze monsters from squeezing up from between the floorboards and issuing the commandment to kill.

the girlies i like are all under age

Jimmy Page turns 60 today. He'll celebrate by bringing a cute little 45 year old up to his room at the Riot House for a little red snapper. For dinner. To eat.

when meat puppets attack, other rock n' roll weirdness

Cris Kirkwood shot by security guard. Before you jump to any conclusions, note that Cris was busy beating the guard with his own baton at the time of the shooting.
Kirkwood's story has been an unhappy one the last few years, and it's really too bad. The Meat Puppets are one of my favorite bands, and Cris was always a highlight of their live shows. I met Cris and Kurt once and engaged in some good-natured verbal sparring with Cris. He was bright, engaging and funny. This was shortly after Kurt Cobain had given himself lead poisoning, and the Kirkwoods complained that, after toiling away in relative obscurity for 15 years, the death of their friend had catapulted them to stardom (they'd appeared on Conan* the previous night).
I don't know about you, but when I found out that Elliot Smith had stabbed himself to death I thought "Man, wouldn't that be a tough way to kill yourself?". Well, apparently LA's coroner isn't so sure he did.
Ray Davies shot by mugger as he's playing Superman (the hero, not the song). If you read the story linked to here, note the advertisement. I guess the desired thought process is "Wow, Ray Davies of the Kinks was shot! I hope he recovers okay- I wonder where I'd go to buy the Kinks Ultimate Collection?".

*interestingly, one of the Meat Puppets implied that Conan had been enjoying a certain white powdery substance before the show. I don't know, I'm just sayin...

johnson and johnson on what to do with your johnson

Y'know, I didn't think I wanted to have kids. But then I saw this commercial, and it really opened my eyes. I've never really thought about it this way, but, y'know, having a baby changes everything.
And they need shampoo and stuff.
If you go to their website you can tell them (anonymously! Man are they asking for trouble) how having a baby changed your life. Here's the one I wrote:
Since I had my baby boy, I've become such a handyman! Just today I put new locks on the door to the basement! I don't want little Johnny getting out and wanting something!
Apparently, not enough people are squeezin' em out for J&J's profit margin, so they're on this campaign to advertise babies. Is it just me, or is there something sick about this?
And if someone is swayed to have children by a tv commercial, do we want that person having children?
I'm just hoping that before the break is over they'll forget about babies and crave a Carne Asada instead.

as opposed to "seeds pasted on a board to piss off a pigeon"

In case you were wondering, the previous picture of Lawrence Welk and the above of Jackie smoking are from the Crop Art website, "Dedicated to the beauty of seeds pasted on a board to make a picture". The aforementioned pictures are by artist Alan Carpenter. Delightful stuff, wonderful subjects.

and lammy lies down

Ever wish there was a website devoted to a plush lamb who lives his entire life like a sailor on shore leave? Of course not! Which only goes to show the degree to which you lack imagination. Quit being such a drone and go here, click on the bouncing lamb, and prepare to be mystified.
p.s.- try and overlook, as I have, the egredious lack of me on this site.

new service on Monk: I filter the news for you before i've had my coffee

Videotape has surfaced that shows Osama Bin Laden and Britney Spears being fingerprinted for a drunken wedding on Mars, or some shit.

I would've said something along these lines: "Well, maybe you're retarded!"

Big ups to Dennis Kucinich for his performance in last night's Democratic debate. I'm paraphrasing here, but a panelist asked him something along the lines of "What do you say to people who say 'I like what Kucinich has to say, but he doesn't seem electable'?".
Kucinich (again, probably paraphrasing): "Well, I'm electable if you vote for me!".
Again, Kucinich was virtually the only candidate to receive applause for his statements, and again I'm forced to paraphrase because the news items I can find barely mention that he was there.

i forget- were there any superheroes in requiem for a dream?

I think I've now seen the entire crop of superhero movies from the last couple years. For directors looking to make any more of these ('cause I'm pretty sure they all read this): please retire the "zooming in through microscopic dna/bloodstream/synapses to show the physiological effect of radioactive spider/gamma ray/experimental drug/toxic waste/mutated genes" computer effect. You know the one I'm talking about- like we're in the Fantastic Voyage craft or that Disney ride where you get real small. Spiderman, the Hulk, Daredevil and both X-men movies all had this effect. I'm pretty sure a can of Pepsi flew by when they did it in Spiderman.
Not to sound too nerdy (too late!-ed.), but it's become the new warp speed.
In the future, why don't you save some money and just flip through a tenth grade biology text book real fast?
"Now how do you suppose X-Ray Ghost Marauder Guy got pond water in his veins?"