The Monk Bought Lunch

i don't feel tardy

A couple people have remarked on the absence of updates here. Mind you, they weren't complaining, but:

New band name: The Downer Cows.

The FDA has banned Ephedra, after several states and most sports organizations have already done so, and after most retailers had already pulled ephedra products from their shelves. Next on the FDA's agenda: banning the use of cocaine as an ingredient in Cola.

Maud Newton e-mailed me this tagline from a news story: A skinny rapist met his match in an angry, 275-pound prostitute, police said. It just goes to show you- there's someone for everyone.

Everyone and their fat cousin has linked to the story about the guy who was buried under the piles of books and magazines in his apartment for two days. It reminds me of the time I spent a weekend reading Pynchon's Mason and Dixon.

Oh, and then there's this: Reading almanacs is now suspicious activity. What am I supposed to read when I take a shit now, the Anarchist Cookbook? In a related story, Tom Ridge is now using Wooly Caterpillars to determine the likelihood of a terrorist attack.

Well, that's all I gots. Here's hoping you enter the new year like a newborn babe; naked and wet, being spanked by a stranger wearing a mask.

horoscope from special guest astrologer m.t. flask nevers (monk's attorney)

Your Birthday Today:Have your spanking policy worked out in advance- who can spank you, who can't, what consitutes a spank (I've seen squeezes and feels snuck in to the administration of a "spanking").

Aries: Please read and sign the spanking policy, indicating that you understand and agree to all stipulations therein.
Taurus: Spanking is to be administered openhanded.
Gemini: "Spanking" is here defined as "a hit to the gluteous maximus with hand-to-buttock contact lasting not more than the duration of time it takes to utter the number of the spanking".
Cancer:Calling out the number of the spanking must be done using normal speed. South of the Mason Dixon line, speed should be doubled.
Leo: Your shit should not, for the duration of the spanking, be in my face. Failure to comply with this stipulation will result in forfeiture of your right to spank.
Virgo: It is your responsibility to inform the party being spanked if you have not previously spanked before. Lack of experience does not relieve you of liability for any welts or bruises inadvertently caused by said inexperience.
Libra: You will distribute spankings evenly between the buttocks. If the number of spankings is odd, you will divide the "extra" spanking into two lesser spankings, one for each cheek.
Scorpio: The spankings must be equal to or lesser than the age of the party being spanked. "One to grow on" is negotiable.
Sagittarius: It is acceptable for the administering spanker to forfeit their spank in order to instead receive a spanking from the party heretofore referred to as "the party being spanked".
Capricorn: Spanking will be administered from a stationary position, either standing or sitting with the party being spanked across one's knee. A running start is not permitted.
Aquarius: It is recommended that the party being spanked wear some sort of undergarment to protect the region being spanked. These can be purchased in most department stores and have the added function of a positive effect on the hygeine of said area.
Pisces: Spankings are to be administered with the hand only, one hand at a time. Attempts to utilize a fish to administer the spanking will result in forfeiture of the right to spank .

lord won't you buy me a smith & wesson

I have no problem with Pink (the performer, although the color has its place as well). I'll tap my feet to "I'm Comin' Out". I just have one request:Please, leave Janis out of this. And if you have to do it, at least show some nipple! Your name's Pink, for God's sake! It seems performers can't rest on their own laurels any more, but feel the need to compare themselves to some lauded figure. Justin Timberlake as Elton John- now that makes sense.

I wasn't lookin' too good but I was feelin' real well

Though some sources place it yesterday, as far as I can tell today is Keith Richards' birthday. He's 60. Find out if you and Keith are compatible!
I was dismayed to find that physically we're 85% compatible. Geez, that thing really works!

what th'? aaargh!

My brother and I shared a bathroom as kids, and on the door was a panel my brother had cut out of a comic book. In the panel, something was exploding and the noise was BA-THROOM!

Late-nite talk show monologue joke, "ridin' the strom out" edition

Strom Thurmond's family have acknowledged that Thurmond fathered an illegitimate child. The child was the result of an affair he had with his black housekeeper in his younger days, when he was a staunch segregationist. The housekeeper's name?
Sally Hemmings!
*wait for laugh, chuckle nervously, explain: " 'cause he's so old, y'see. Sally Hemmings... Jefferson..." emit low whistle, whip hand over head, "when we come back, Gary Shandling!"*

i like funny words. i like funny words. amen.

Give this kid a record contract before he shoots up the school.
(warning:not safe for work, unless you got some headphones, yo.)

Monk's late-nite talk show monologue joke, Saddam edition

US administrator in Iraq Paul Bremer reports that Saddam Hussein was found hiding in a dirty hole. Says Bremer, "Yeah, up 'til now nobody had thought to look in Paris Hilton".
*look smug, adjust necktie, put hands in pockets- rock back and forth on heels, introduce sidekick*

Monk's extremely lazy horoscope of which half are just song lyrics. what're you gonna do?

Your Birthday Today: Whoop dee fuckin' doo.

Aries: Today, take a good long look at yourself and discover you're neither good nor long.
Taurus: All the pictures are falling from the wall where you placed them yesterday.
Gemini: Das Weekend wilt konsisten kumplete auf der fingerpoken und mittengraben. das spitsensparken wilt nicht comens.
Cancer:When you get home she's got incense wine and can-dulls...
Leo: Your shit be up in my GONG!
Virgo: I saw you baby dancin' in your x-ray gingham dress...
Libra: You will call me as soon as I start doing something.
Scorpio: Your enormous testicles will ache as a result of being pressured into sitting like a goddamn sissy while riding public transportation.
Sagittarius: You think you're so cool...
Capricorn: If you're from San Juan, can we call you a Cap-Rican?
Aquarius: If I said you had a beautiful body would you wash it occasionally?
Pisces: Perhaps it's the color of the sun cut flat
uncovering the cross roads I am standing at.
Or maybe it's the weather or something like that
but babe, you been on my mind.

Food, clothing, shelter, domestic abuse

I was just reading the Onion and happened to read the featured personal in the sidebar. Meerabella has five things she can't live without:
"My friends, my family, a white wife beater, jeans and my Kiehl's clear lip gloss".
Now would that be a wife beater who happens to be white, or someone who only beats white wives? And why would it be so hard to live without one? A flying people eater who's purple, or do they eat flying purple people?
Also, what if someone decides they want her out of the picture for good? They take her lip gloss?

Dubya to pentagon: How'm I s'posed to get to second base if you keep hiding my Led Zeppelin IV album?

Washington (every) Week in Review:
Assholes disagree with other assholes about how to properly go about being assholes.

The Bush administration wanted to wait until James Baker had obtained help from countries opposed to the war before we told them they would be barred from the bidding process for reconstruction.

Several of Mr. Bush's aides said they feared that the memorandum would undercut White House efforts to repair relations with allies who had opposed the invasion of Iraq.

Gee- ya think?

"I can't imagine that if you are asking to do stuff for Iraq that this is going to help," a senior State Department official said late Wednesday.

For some reason, something Lou Reed says on the Take No Prisoners album comes to mind:
"We're just here to make out. I’ll just put the head in. If you don't like it, we can talk about it."

what's wong with this picture?

Read this article about Jan Wong, the "journalist" who recently lambasted my hometown of Rochester, NY in Toronto's Globe and Mail.
Known for lulling interview subjects into a false sense of security, she then routinely exposes the flaws and vulnerabilities they expose once their guard is let down. Fair play, maybe, when the subject is some pretentious celeb, but a breast cancer survivor?
this behavior shouldn't surprise us, though, given that, when she was attending college in Beijing, she ratted a fellow student (who had expressed an interest in moving to the West) out to the Chinese Government. That student subsequently disappeared. Ms. Wong characterizes that action as "naive". Hey, we all make mistakes, right?
So I guess Rochester got off easy. And I'm guessing most Torontonians know what they're getting when they read Wong's articles: the product of a Maoist enemy of freedom who hates women and children and has a little problem with pooping herself (the only reason I can think of for her irrational fear of greasy food).

"better to give", my keester!

Not sure what to get me for Christmas? May I suggest these toys made from comic book great Jim Woodring's designs?
(link via Boing Boing)
p.s.- does anyobody know if there's a standard spelling for keester?

I'm Still pms-ing, I guess, Maud

The Bush administration is promoting an environmental policy that allows companies to buy the right to emit harmful chemicals into the air from companies who emit less.
I like this idea, and think we ought to extend it to all harmful activity:
"Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you passed up the chance to knock that old lady down and steal her purse. Can I buy that off you?".
Dumb fucking fucks.

monk's horoscope hurts me more than it hurts you

Your Birthday Tomorrow: Your brother will acknowledge your birthday in the most offhand whatever.

Aries: You'll have a hard time getting the phrase "marzipan liverwurst" out of your head. Now.
Taurus: Unplug the jukebox. Do us all a favor.
Gemini: Just because her personal ad said she enjoys long walks doesn't mean she'll be thrilled to discover you have no car.
Cancer:Checking for lumps will turn out to be more fun than it sounded.
Leo: GONG!
Virgo: What's the matter, don't you like pizza?
Libra: Gilgongo.
Scorpio: "Where did you get that shirt?" is really just polite small talk and does not warrant the response "What the hell do you care?".
Sagittarius: I saw some graffiti today that said "smile- life's too short". Why is that something to smile about?
Capricorn: Have you ever read the Capri-Koran?
Aquarius: Oh, you wanna know where you should put the joss sticks you brought? Here, lemme show you...
Pisces: I ride my bike, I roller skate, don't drive no car Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far For somebody who don't drive I been all around the world Some people say, I done all right for a girl Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key I think that we should get together and try them out you see I been looking around awhile You got something for me Oh! I got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key.

because I want to do my part in the war on terror

I'm going to buy, like, a gross of these and hand 'em out to everybody at the homeless shelter.

clarifications

Antigeist mentions my previous mini-rant about the Globe and Mail article. I was going to leave a comment on her entry, but it was getting a bit long-winded so I thought it might deserve space here (yeah, I know- Like something's gotta be really important to warrant space here).
Antigeist correctly agrees with the reporter that a fast ferry between Rochester and Toronto is ill-concieved and will do little for Rochester except give its denizens a quicker way out.

My beef with the article was the way the "journalist" characterized the entire city based on a very limited exposure. It also seems obvious that she had an agenda before she ever came here, and any observations she may have made that didn't coincide with her preconception were left out of her article.
If our intrepid (hardly) reporter can honestly tell me that there aren't areas of Toronto in which she would not walk alone at night, then I will happily send a bouquet of roses to her hospital bed or a nice wreath to her funeral.
She seems to mention the great George Eastman House only so that she can bring up Eastman's suicide. How the fact that Eastman decided, as his suicide note revealed, that his "work is done" reflects negatively on present-day Rochester is beyond me, but it was the apparently the only interesting aspect of the museum in her eyes. If she wasn't impressed with it, maybe proud G.E. House supporters Martin Scorcese, Spike Lee, Jim Jarmusch, Robert Forster, etc. etc. can enlighten her.
The article kept harping on the food she had at a local institution, Nick Tahou's. Nick Tahou's is what we Americans refer to non-derogitorily as a greasy spoon. If the two-bit wordslut that wrote this sloppy hatchet job doesn't like greasy food, she should stay out of greasy spoons. Which they have in Toronto as well, but they're not as good. I have yet to eat in a Toronto establishment where they got cole slaw right. How do you fuck up cole slaw?
I don't want to bash Toronto- it's a fine, if somewhat soul-less, city. But it's basically one giant glass house, so watch where you're throwing those rocks, bee-otch!

If you'd like to see a little of the cooler side of Rochester, go here.

I entried this

An editorial in today's NYT examples the dangers of what I like to call Verbing the Noun:
The Democratic candidates have begun lip-servicing the corn-based gasoline additive ethanol in anticipation of their caucus in the corn-based state of Iowa.
"Lip-servicing" has such a tawdry ring to it that is somehow missing from lip service. When I go to a customer service desk, I expect to be asked if I am being served, not if I am being serviced.
"I think you'd be able to tell if I was being serviced. There's this face I make...".
Me, I don't want to lip-service anything corn-based, unless it's corn. And I'd probably tooth-service it to some extent as well.

Hey! Who gave you The Lion King*?

As Ed Anger might say, I'm hopping mad over a story in Toronto's Globe and Mail about my hometown.
Having lived in both Toronto and Rochester, I have a few things to tell the hack who wrote this story.
One is that macaroni salad is supposed to be cold. Do you like to warm up your toothpaste too?
Also, I'm sorry, but no Torontonian has any right to criticize another city's hamburgers. Toronto hamburgers taste like ass. They put all kinds of weird shit in 'em 'til they taste like a Christmas Shoppe smells.
Three words, Toronto: That's Not Chili. It's some kinda stew. For it to be called Chili it should, you know, taste like something.
Also, nowhere, and I mean nowhere, have I stumbled over more homeless people than I have in Toronto. Not New York, not Detroit, not Philly, not Chicago, not nowhere. Get off your goddamn high horse. Oh and speaking of horses you should either give your cops some or stop calling them the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. You ride in a car, not on one.

*choreographed by Garth Fagan, a Rochesterian, and currently pumping about a gajillion dollars into Toronto's economy.

she never makes a taste mistake

To all my ever-so-helpful friends: look, I know she's bad news, but she's really pretty and do you know how hard it is to find a girl who's into Beefheart? Like actually knows who Drumbo is? Harder than the wooden tits on the Goddess with the pole out s'full sail that tempted away yer peg legged father!
Next step: Find out how she feels about the Marx Brothers.

x-treme-mas! in your face!

The Onion reruns its piece on Toy-Buying Tips for Parents, including:

Visit your local mall for such upscale toy stores as Wooden Toys Your Kids Will Hate and Professor Faggot Q. Boredom's Lame-U-Cational Cocksuckery.

I think this Child Safety thing has gotten way out of hand. If kids never hurt themselves, how do we scare other kids into being smarter? That's why I'm giving all the kids in my family Tonka's new "Real Working Combine" for Christmas.