The Monk Bought Lunch

Monk's dyspeptopian i'd like a breast please tureen of horoscopes

Your Birthday Today: That doesn't mean you get out of doing dishes, shithead.

Aries: You know goddamn well that's not how it went down. Why don't you tell them the truth? Huh? Yeah, I thought so.
Taurus: I saw her first and you knew I liked her! Is this how you like to be treated, Susan? Y'know if you ever think about marrying someone with, oh I don't know, A JOB I'm right here!
Gemini: I didn't total it! I didn't total it! SHUT UP! It was a crappy old Skylark and it was still drivable!
Cancer: Oh, god, please don't start with the Amos n' Andy impressions...
Leo: Y'know, your shit has been up in my face since Day One.
Virgo: That's not your wine glass- it's a floating candle and it's lit IT'S LIT I SAID!
Libra: Stop squinting at your fork, bitch. It's clean.
Scorpio: Being seated between your aunt and your cousin doesn't give you the right to put a hand on each of their thighs.
Sagittarius: Have you never told your children where balls are and not to punch them?
Capricorn: Where's your Capricornucopia?
Aquarius: Oh, you wanna know where you should put the tofurkey you brought? See that hole in the sink?
Pisces: Hey, you're the one who volunteered to sit at the kid's table...

make sure you leave room for the ferris wheels!

From NYT's article about Jacko:
By any stretch, Mr. Jackson, who is 45, must be considered wealthy. But according to accounts of his close advisers and industry friends and court records, he is also an extravagant spender whose wealth is being consumed by an appetite for monkeys, Ferris wheels and surgery.

And all you're having is turkey, mashed potatos and cranberry sauce.

Large buttocks are pleasing to me, nor am I able to lie concerning this matter

Ah, the value of a classical education: this guy has roughly translated Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby got Back" into Latin. As the saying goes, "asinus asinum fricat".

...and bettie serveert is danish for "allen wrench"!

Paul is Dead. The Codes Bible and Davinci. Kennedy and Lincoln both had Schnauzers named Kaiser Wilhelm (and big holes in their heads). Now a friend of mine who wanted, in his humility, only to be identified as "a mere instrument" but who I think of as more of a tool, has uncovered the Ikea/Bettie Serveert Mystery. He sent me this e-mail from an undisclosed location, where he lives in fear for his very life:

one bottle of american reisling later i find myself listening to bettie
serveert and thumbing through an ikea catalog and making some grim dicoveries. boka
lazy susan at 699 aron chair 59/ea and joroen blankert drums on1,2,3,5,7,10
ampersand 12. do you see what i'm driving at? ok let me put it to you this way:
words and music 9 Visser/ Van Dyk and/or beeldzorg by herman houbrechts AND
nygard dining table $199. they got jokk, norden and jutta ruta igelkrott, ,
rul fanxjnst=batteries not included all these guys are on sale and also playing
in the band and rockin' out. please take careful note.

As if I weren't already having enough trouble sleeping...

Monk's minty not mediciny horoscope of the ever circling skeletal family

Your Birthday Tomorrow: Don't Fear the Reaper!

Aries: In the sitcom of life, you are the wacky neighbor: Enter Airies, without knocking. Hold for applause.
Taurus: A spaz by any other name would still spaz as spazzily, spaz.
Gemini: Today, you will do horrible, shameful, disgusting and degrading things for a Klondike Bar.
Cancer: You will tell everybody again about how you invented tube socks.
Leo: Damn, Leo! Yo Shit is waayy up in my face!
Virgo: If someone don't get out of your way you swear to God you're gonna CUT someone.
Libra: You will go to the store and get some Wasabi Peas because they're my favorite snack food. DO IT!
Scorpio: You will find disappointment when you realize that the word you made up just isn't catching on, and you'll slink home with your head hung down, muttering to yourself "well, that's just underpantstastic".
Sagittarius: You will get less action than the horse you rode in on.
Capricorn: Capricorn. Is that some kind of a hat?
Aquarius: Your sonar won't get you out of this mess!
Pisces: This week how about buying food, then using whatever's left over for art supplies, instead of vicey versey? Huh?

When they made her, they threw away the mold- but it grew back!

Tomorrow, November 22, Antigeist will turn mind-numbingly old. Old old old old old old old. As old as me.
Congratulate her on maintaining control over her old bowels. That's one she's got over me.
Woops. Gotta go.

kick out the jams, ross and chandlers!

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine and absentmindedly watching the TV. She was talking about... something. I don't know exactly what, because I saw something on the television that made my blood boil.
Me: Oh, for fuck's sake!
She: What?
Me: Sorry, It's just that Friends is on and the Rachel person?
She: Yeah...
Me: She's wearing an MC5 t-shirt!
She: Huh.
Me: The MC5!
She: She probably doesn't even know who they are, some wardrobe person probably said "wear this".
Me: (Wondering if She knows who they are-were) The wardrobe person prob'ly doesn't know either! It's got a picture of a White Panther with wings!
She: *giggles nervously at how upset I'm getting, tries to change subject*
Me: What the FUCK?
Later, after I'd cooled down a little bit, I realized that this may have been the wardrobe person''s way of trying to put a personal mark on the show. Like "Wouldn't it be funny if I gave one of these putzes a MC5 t-shirt to wear?".
I should've just offed myself the first time I saw a Carnival Cruise commercial with that chopped-up version of Lust for Life playing.

You gotta admit, Catholics are good with bleeding and crying and stuff

There's a bar in my neighborhood that was called Margaritaville. I say was, as that was its name until Jimmy Buffett's "people" sent them a cease and desist order.
I thought this was a bit petty, although I understand that with infringement cases you kind of have to go after everybody.
Now, according to the Door Magazine, the Prince of Peace has decided to do something about some of the Bad Art created in his name, and is considering allowing only Catholics to use his name and likeness because, let's face it, they do cooler stuff with it:
"Creating art should really be left to the Catholics. That's the way it has been done for centuries, and We have been blessed with the Sistine Chapel, Handel's Messiah, Dante's Inferno, heck, I even liked The Last Temptation of Christ. Willem Dafoe. He's intense."
He's specifically going after the evangelicals and so-called "charismatics" (and have you seen any of these folks? Not an apt name I'm sorry to say, fellas). If this means Ashcroft can't sing anymore, I say Jesus! Lay off, the guy's hilarious!

Jacko homo: a quiz

OK- you're the parent of a pretty little 13 year old boy. A man who looks like Bette Davis' grandmother and is shaking like a Chihuahua approaches you and asks if your boy can come over for a slumber party. Do you:
a) Let him go in the hopes that, at some point in the future, you can accuse Grandma of molesting your child and reap a zillion-dollar sentiment
b) Tell your boy to wear his titanium underpants and don't forget to get an autograph
c) Sing "Yesterday", give the man some money, and send him on his way
or
d) Tell him to go dangle himself out a window before you slap the white off him, and go call the cops?

cathode life (warning: this entry consists of the dull minutiae that gives blogs a bad name)

When you live alone, there is a danger that you will end up relating more comfortably with your cats and your television than you do with real people. That's probably news to no-one.
I have lately found myself during the day thinking about what I'm going to watch on TV in the evening and what I need to get done before and after:
"There's that Kennedy thing on PBS. I should be able to get dinner made and the litter box cleaned, but the dishes'll have to wait 'til tomorrow, 'cause I know I'll be too wasted after the Kennedy's to do 'em tonight".

Last night, it was the West Wing. It has become the show that Monk must watch. If someone asks me to do something during Wing Time, I'll vaguely say that it's not a good time for me, to avoid the embarrassment of admitting that I plan my life around a TV show.
Normally I avoid television dramas. All these Law and Order shows bore me and make me nostalgic for a good crime show, like Ironsides or Rockford Files. Y'know, realism.
But the West Wing has me hooked. For a lefty for whom presidential debates are like the Super Bowl is for regular guys, the West Wing is porn. Instead of fantasizing that Jenna Jameson is sucking my dick, I fantasize that Jack Bartlett is... my president.
At least that's what I told my cat.
If anyone out there watches That Seventies Show, have you noticed that it seems like it's turning into That Wonderful Life? Think about it: Eric is going to get stuck in the dull Wisconsin town he lives in while all his friends go off and achieve great things, etc.
Also, they pulled a Darren- Eric's sister was on the other day, except it wasn't Eric's sister! The old one was better, but they must have had problems with her since she was written out early. I don't know what kind of problems they could have had. The part really only calls for two things, and as long they are both generally round and have one nipple each, we've got a ringer!
I hate myself for loving Donna. A bland character portrayed by a bad actress, what's to love? Well, for starters she's like seven feet tall and a redhead and has that permanent look of being slightly stoned, which I find quite charming.
It would never work out, though. The cats don't seem to like her.

lonesome no more!

Read another Vonnegut book-signing anecdote, in which I am relieved to find confirmation that my addled brain didn't imagine that Breakfast of Champions included Vonnegut's drawing of an asshole.
By the way, thanks to a friend of mine I now have a new favorite euphemism for that particular (or not so particular in some cases) orifice: "dirt star".
"Dude, the version of Dirt Star from Fillmore West New Year's Eve 1972 is the best ever..."

monk's skyrockets in flight afternoon delight winding my way down on baker st. are you with me dr.wu dreamweaver roller-horoscope

Your Birthday Today: There are people who make good money sitting on cakes. Consider this a freebie.

Aries: You will be asked to leave a gay bar when you let on that you think Dusty Springfield is an antique rifle.
Taurus: In the words of the old Negro Spiritual, "you're blind, you can't see. You need to wear some glasses like DMC".
Gemini: All is fair in love. In your case, the county fair. Specifically, the hog races.
Cancer: You will attempt to throw the I Ching while riding the bus and discover a whole new dimension that smells like laundry.
Leo: Your shit will return to its usual resting place: up in my face.
Virgo: Somehow, the fact that your lips are severely chapped only makes you cuter.
Libra: Open up to a family member. Then close the police blotter, you're better off not knowing.
Scorpio: No, I don't think "Shower Patch Kids" are such a good idea.
Sagittarius: Don't. Just don't.
Capricorn: You will try to come up with a great catch phrase, like "Show me the money!". But hear me now, believe me later, if you do, you'll regret it- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Do you feel lucky, punk? You talkin' to me? Isn't that special? Hey Mikey, he likes it! Pretty sneaky, sis! Where's the beef? Whoomp, there it is! In short, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Aquarius: You will take another mortgage out on your teepee. Dumbass.
Pisces: Joe Leiberman will want to party with you.

love in vein

What with all the problems Courtney Love's been having, including having to place an ad for new band members like some 13 year old who's been practicing their Molly Hatchet riffs and wants to "start playin' out, dude", I think its time for me to haul out my Courtney Love Late Night Talk Show Monologue Joke:

So Courtney Love has a parenting book out. The title? What to Inject When You're Expecting!
*giggle to yourself, stick hands in pockets, rock back and forth on heels*

Ouch! revolving door!

I may be the only person on the planet who hasn't seen this Paris Hilton sex tape, but I gotta wonder: who'd want to fuck a hotel? Although I did have a nice little threeway with Statler and Waldorf once.

Anybody wanna play HORSE?

I don't have any pictures of my own from the party I had last Saturday, but as usual, the damn paparazzi wouldn't stay away and they managed to snap this one before my guards hauled them off.
(picture actually stolen from FOUND magazine)

Couple things real quick

One: The previous was my 100th entry. Please don't say "that's what she said".
Two: For all You Norkers out there- I'll be in your fair city soon. Could everybody not run in the subway stations? It makes me nervous. Like I should be running too, even though I'm not really in a hurry. You'd think every train was the last one ever!
Oh, and it'd be nice if you tidied up a bit. And try to fix it so Avril Lavigne is on TRL so I can totally wave at her. That would be awesome.

happy birthday, neil!

Neil? I said "Happy Birthday!". Neil?

gilgongo!

Happy Birthday to Kurt Vonnegut, whose books were once considered science fiction.
I met the man once, at a book signing. He looked miserable, perhaps at the fact that people were treating him like a zoo animal, talking about him as though he weren't two feet away. Friendly, though. I was a kid of 14 or 15, had brought a bunch of books for him to sign, including Venus on the Half Shell by Kilgore Trout, which I had assumed he'd written.
He said "I didn't write this. It was written by my friend Philip Jose' Farmer. I think he did a pretty good job, don't you?"
I answered in the affirmative, said I'd read and liked Farmer's books. He signed the book anyway, inscribing it with "Not Mine" followed by his autograph, including the asterisk (see above), which readers of Breakfast of Champions will recognize as a drawing of an asshole.
And so on.
Hi ho.

yet somehow i'm the one who doesn't support the troops...

"No amount of money can truly compensate these brave men and women for the suffering that they went through at the hands of a truly brutal regime," said Scott McClellan, White House spokesman. So that's exactly what they're getting: "No amount of money".
For more on how the Bush Administration supports those who put their lives on the line in the name of the United States' wacky schemes, go here.

Monk's got a horoscope for you if you'll bring Monk his pipe and slippers

Your Birthday Today: Sen. Robert Byrd will declare "Fie on you!", and sure enough by the end of the night you'll be up to your ears in Fie.

Aries: You will have a decision to make: plaster or poultice.
Taurus: You will have an argument with your significant other that culminates in you shouting "If I gotta spend another minute with you I don't think that I could barely survive", followed by an awkward silence as you both realize that you have just inadvertently quoted "Paradise by the Dashboard Light".
Gemini: All your friends are tired of you always having to say that the sweet and sour chicken doesn't look like chicken every time you go to a Chinese restaurant.
Cancer: Can we smoke in your car?
Leo: You will play Twister with unattractive people.
Virgo: You will offend your dog.
Libra: You will get so stoned that you will attempt to microwave your thoughts.
Scorpio: Somebody will try to blame you for the fact that they drank beer that had a cigarette butt in it.
Sagittarius: You won't know that I hung up about fifteen minutes ago.
Capricorn: Someone will have you by the short n' curlies, but you already knew that.
Aquarius: Love is neither exciting nor new.
Pisces: Your Precious Moments figurines will start bleeding from their eyes.

wouldn't "NASCAR dad" have done just as well?

Howard Dean sincerely apologizes for his statements about the Southern White demographic to which he thinks he can appeal:
"I regret the pain that I may have caused either to African American or southern white voters," .
Apparently unable to leave well enough alone, he continued:
"Speaking of African Americans, I want to emphasize the camaraderie I feel with them as well as with the poor white crackers of the South. I think the best way for me to demonstrate my feelings would be through song:
Someone had to fight the Devil,
Shout about Gabriel's Horn,
Someone had to stoke the train
That would bring God's children to green pastures,
That's why darkies were born
Hey, why's everybody looking at me like that? geez, you people are so sensitive!".

Well, Howard, it was nice knowin' you. I'll see you and Dukakis at the bar.

quiz

Monk tells everyone on Halloween night in his midsized Western New York city that he is dressed as a Metrosexual for Halloween. Most respond with "What's that?".
Should Monk find this:
a) refreshing
b) dismaying
c) potrzebie
or
d) Those pants with that jacket? Puh-lease!

ha! 'bottle return'! 'redemption song'! oh, I kill me...

Tom Shoals I amn't

Last night I was flipping between the two new television shows SKIN and the one about Las Vegas- is that what it's called? Las Vegas? Didn't Robert Urich already do that? Well, the one with James Caan, whatever it's called. Anyway, I was admittedly a little tired, but I kept getting confused about which one I was watching. And then I was confused trying to figure out why I cared.
Then I told the cat a little story that had no actual words.

objection, your honor- i specifically requested 'no woman, no cry'

MONTREAL, Quebec, Nov. 2 (UPI) -- A Canadian attorney is in hot water for singing "I Shot the Sheriff" outside the court where his client was on trial for killing a police officer.
The attorney was later spotted at a bottle return center singing "Redemption Song".
Speaking of the power of music to stir the soul, I'm reminded of the tale of one Richard Dickinson, who killed his mother, whom he believed to be the character Isis from the Bob Dylan song of the same name, while listening to "One More Cup of Coffee for the Road". After trampling her to death, he sprinkled her body with instant coffee.
When I first read about this in the paper, they said that he was found not guilty on grounds of insanity. Grounds of insanity? Oh, that's good stuff...

he didn't even say anything about the cotton in aspirin bottles!

Common Dreams has this piece by Andy Rooney, who would be a fun grandpa. I get the feeling he's been reading a lot of Vonnegut.

the kind of thing you might want to lick off your friend's nose...

I'm having a party this weekend and I'm trying to find a chip dip recipe that's gonna rock my guests' world(s). Nothing I found on the net really struck my fancy.
I've already got salsa covered- I'm looking for something to dip the Ridgies in. I'm looking for that reaction where someone still has their mouth full and they're going "Aw man! That is awesome! What is it?". It should taste so good it'll make you fuckin' cry. I'm looking to achieve a modicum of local fame for your recipe. Ridin' out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo, gettin' cards n' letters from people I don't even know...
Any ideas?
p.s.- It should be something that's not going to make anyone shit their, or anyone else's, pants.
Thanks.