The Monk Bought Lunch

monk's very scary smell my feet what are you supposed to be horoscope awooooo!

Your Birthday Today: Guy Fawkes Day is a much cooler holiday.

Aries: Aries, well, let's come back to Aries.
Taurus: Okay, we get it, you're stubborn. Now can we try going the speed limit?
Gemini: I hate to steal horoscopes, but today, for you, I'm going to have to quote Chris Rock: "Gemini- you're gonna die. Twice!".
Cancer: Why don't we have an astrological sign called Lupus?
Leo: Today, yo shit is miraculously not in my face.
Virgo: You look like MC Hammer on crack, Humpty!
Libra: You dream of the day when the Army has to hold a bake sale and the local PTA is carpet-bombing small villages.
Scorpio: How many times do we have to say this: Underpants on the bottom, hats on top.
Sagittarius: I know it's bow hunting season, but for some reason when you say you're going to bag a twelve point buck it sounds like you're talking about something else.
Capricorn: Capricorn. Are those the little juice drinks kids bring in their lunch?
Aquarius: Today, your freak flag flies at half mast.
Pisces: Yes, I read Still Life with Woodpecker. No, it didn't change my life. Go read a real book, wouldja please?
Aries: Nope, sorry. I still got nothin'.

Monk's first caption contest

In a desperate bid to feel less lonely, I'm soliciting captions for this old family photo. Mine was "Put your hands together for... AC/DC!". I'm hoping you can do better. Bonus points for guessing which one's Monk.

ALL OF THEM HAVE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS TAG ON THE EARS!

Just found this e-bay auction. Favorite line: "I don't think my ex-wife was in the Black Market Beanie Trade..but then again, I didn't know she was having an affair either!".
(link found via czeltic girl)

dep't of things that would be funnier if they really happened

I was at the laundromat last night, reading a book (yes and doing my laundry you idiot), when I sensed a presence nearby. I looked up to find a young boy, about three years old and cute as all get out, standing directly in front of me and STARING.
I thought this was funny. I laughed and said "Hello! How are you?".
He said "Fine. Can I have some money?".
I laughed again and said "No, but you can have my foot in your ass!" and kicked him right into a bucket of dryer lint.
That would've been some funny shit.
Really, I just laughed and said no and his mom told him not to ask people for money.
Why does life have to be so dull?
And why can't I ever get my point across without using italics?

damn this chafing!

Have you ever met someone who's always offering to give people massages or (I hate this word) backrubs, but they're just terrible at it? Like they start yanking pinching and poking you and saying "How's that" and you feel like your flight-or-fight instinct is in overdrive? That's what I feel like when I go to Amazon.com and they try to present me with "my recommendations", or otherwise try to shove stuff at me they think I'd like. It's like someone brought you a pair of slippers and they're three sizes off, and you didn't want your slippers to begin with.
That is not the "page Monk made". I bought something from you- once. I didn't make anything.
And no, I'm not going to accompany you to that party your ex-boyfriend will probably be at. And no, I won't call you later. Get off my jock, Amazon!

shit!

What was I gonna say?

whaddaya want for nothin'?

Yeah, I didn't think that horoscope was very funny either. I just felt pressured to do it 'cause people kept telling me "oh i love your horoscope- you should do one every day", the kind of talk which is usually my cue to start emitting a big sucking sound. And sure enough. Every time I look at it I just think "Ugh! Pussy incense? What the fug?". Y'know I guess my passion for fake horoscopes just isn't there anymore, and it shows. I know that. And I'm sorry.

Hello hooray let the show begin it's the horoscope already.

Your Birthday Today: The stripper they got for you will be your cousin. Oh. Hi. Wow, this is weird...

Aries: Aries, Aries, Why ya buggin'?
Taurus: Soup is indeed good food. But not for fish.
Gemini: Today, you discover that pussy incense and the real thing smell not at all alike.
Cancer: A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous- got me?
Leo: Damn, girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: Virgoing. Virgone.
Libra: People get horny watching your nostrils flare.
Scorpio: Quit looking at Libra's nostrils.
Sagittarius: Look, all I'm saying is that midgets don't have to be talented to make it in show business. Yes, a lot of them are! Fine! I'm just saying- if you're a midget someone will hire you to be in a TV show. So quit feeling so sorry for them.
Capricorn: I love those cute little Irish Capricorns with their shillelaghs and their derbies, making all kinds of mischief...
Aquarius: "Water Carrier", eh? That excuse may work for a little while, but some day you're gonna have to get on a treadmill or somethin', dude.
Pisces: Today, somebody will think they saw you.

like a giant oompa-loompa from Arkansas

I was thinking about going to see Steve Earle play this evening, but his hair weirds me right the hell out.
Also, has anybody noticed that he looks like the guy in front of the convenience store in the car commercial? You know who I mean?

actually, i think it's kinda cute!

Jupiter has a mysterious black spot. So far, it reports no itching or swelling. If it doesn't go away soon, you should probably have that looked at, Jupiter. Look at it this way- at least it's not Prom time.

Whoa, take a hint, dude!

If you're playing Jesus in a movie that portrays the People of the Covenant unkindly, it should really only take one lightning zap to make you rethink waiting tables. The director gets hit too?
Hi, I'm Jesus. Can I take your drink orders?
(link via twinkle twinkle blah blah blah etc.)

Through the past, dorkily

My folks are moving out of the house they've lived in for 30 years. I've been slowly wading through the detritus of childhood, adolescence, and brief recuperative stays. I happened upon this story I wrote probably somewhere around second grade, judging from the handwriting:

The Orangutan and the Bird
One day, an orangutan walked into the zookeeper's quarters while the zookeeper was asleep. The zookeeper woke to find an orangutan making scrambled eggs on his stove. The zookeeper immediately went into the bathroom and took some aspirin. He walked back into the kitchen and the orangutan wasn't there. He decided to go back to bed, but when he got into the bed, there it was again! In his own bed! The orangutan!

"Help!" screamed the zookeeper. The orangutan ran into the kitchen and saw the zookeeper's pet bird perched on the back of a chair, and decided to imitate it. The orangutan put the bird on the seat of the chair, and sat on the back of the chair. The bird was mad at this, so he decided to imitate the orangutan,and sat there on the seat of the chair, sulky and low. The zookeeper saw this and said "I must be crazy!" and set out to find a bridge to jump off of.

Sulky and low? I think I've been putting that in my coffee.

monk's "does my astrology look big in these pants?" horoscope of moral terpitude, (discernibly turgid edition)

Your Birthday Today: You will be "teabagged". Whether you like it or not.

Aries: You're gonna lose that girl. Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl.
Taurus: Today, though you feel like Benicio Deltoro, you look more like Benny Hill.
Gemini: Pearls are formed when an irritant lodges itself inside an oyster. The oyster covers the irritant in a substance called nacre, which builds up over the years to form a perfect shiny sphere. People do not secrete nacre, which makes you just aplain old irritant.
Cancer: If it's between "sexy maid" and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, please do us all a favor and go as the Turtle.
Leo: Damn, girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: You, on the other hand, should go as the "sexy maid".
Libra: You should smell that before you drink it.
Scorpio: When asking someone if they want to see your scar, avoid the use of the phrase "proud flesh".
Sagittarius: If it's cold enough to wear a wool turtleneck, how can it be warm enough to wear sandals?
Capricorn: Yeah. Good luck with that.
Aquarius: Moss is not "nature's tampon".
Pisces: Damn! Leo's shit be up in your face!.

May a couple futuristic tourists live La Vida Loca with Bareball Nut next to your tasty wazoo

Despite the fact that i wouldn't consider some of the results insults exactly (the above for example might be sorta ticklish), this is rather amusing. (link via metafilter)

p.s.- If you're feeling it, I too am somewhat uncomfortable about this thing being referred to (by metafilter) as an "Arabian insult generator", but am trying to focus on its potential for dada delight. Let's just call it the insult generator and leave it at that.

upsy-daisy

Methinks Rummy's in for a talking-to. Read the memo in which Donald Rumsfeld assesses the war on terror thusly:
"the harder we work, the behinder we get".

miracle, whipped

I'll stick a link in here later, but NPR was reporting this AM about how the governor in Florida ordered the vegetable-lady to be fed instead of being allowed to die. So a legislator passes a specific law for this person, and doctors stick tubes in her to keep her "alive"- without a thought in her head. Then they quote her parents as saying "It's a miracle!".
Huh?
A miracle might have been if she'd sat up in her bed, pointed to her head like Ray Bolger and said "E=MC squared!", then proceeded to do a little jig.

This whole thing reminded me of Vic Chesnutt's poignant ode to the Sunshine State:

Florida

Florida, Florida, the redneck riviera
Florida, Florida, there's no more pathetic place in America
yes a man must make unpopular decisions, surely from time to time
and a man can only stand what a man can stand
it's a wobbly volatile line

Florida, Florida, the water table is fucked
Florida, Florida, there's no more perfect place to give it all up
a man must take his life in his own hands
hit those nails on the head
and i respect a man who goes to where he wants to be
even if he wants to be dead

Florida, Florida, its a tropical paradise
Florida, Florida, theres no more perfect place to retire from life

hold the line. love isn't always on time.

Every damn day I get the phone call:
*ring*
me: Ahoy-hoy!
phone: Hold, please.
me: [hangs up]

So, let me get this straight mister persononthephone: you called me, but you're not quite ready to talk? Need a little time to collect your thoughts, do ya?
Well, believe it or not, I'm not so desperately bored that I'm going to hold to see what treats you have in store for me. I, my good friend, have better things to do. These include:
1.Hit myself in the head with a hammer.
2. Be drawn and quartered.
3. Make myself a sandwich.
4. Stick my thumb up my butt, pull out a plumb,and say "what a good boy am I".
5. Ride a Rock Horse.
6.Lick the Grout.
7. Skip to my loo.
8. Unpack the Gertrude.
9. Let a man come in and do the popcorn (it is, after all, a brand new day).
10. Hello! Masturbate?
11. Count my nose.
12. Watch my big fat greek wedding. Not the movie.
"Hold, please" yourself!

Monk's happy bag of filth cheesecloth soaking wet astrology horoscope feature

Your Birthday Today: Damn, your shit is old.

Aries: Aries, you get my goat! I love that, I read it on a card.
Taurus: It's not funny to turn on every faucet in the house at which you're a guest. Really.
Gemini: Can we stop at the grocery store real quick?
Cancer: Today, in order for you to get down, you gotta get in "d".
Leo: Damn, girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: Virgo, this could be your lucky day! Oh wait, no, it's Aquarius' lucky day. Again. Sorry, Virgo.
Libra: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation". But not you. Oh, no- you'd never be quiet about it, would you?
Scorpio: You don't have to drink all the drink they have to drink. Drinky McDrinkdrink!
Sagittarius: You will soon see the ass-end of something. Let's hope it's an ass.
Capricorn: I'm gonna stop at Rite-Aid tonight and get me a big bag of Capry-Corns! MMMM! Yellow and orange and cone-shaped Capry-Corns!
Aquarius:Yeah, it's your lucky day. Again. Quit lording it over Virgo.
Pisces: You totally farted.

is that a banana in your vestment or are you just happy to see me?

Hey, Anglican Church! Thanks for calling your leaders "Primates". It makes reading the news much more fun. Now if I can only get the Catholics to go along with my idea to change "Cardinal" to "Pachyderm":
(AP) Vatican City-
Today a group of Pachyderms met to decide the precise wording of a document asking the Gastropods (previously called "Bishops") of North American dioceses to denounce homosexuality, premarital sex, contraception, circuses, and salt.
Also, I think Dalai Lama should be changed to Dalai Llama.
Oh! And can somebody turn Pat Robertson into a giant gumball?

thought for the day

The real message of Welcome Back, Kotter was that people of all racial stereotypes could get along.

and the excellence in journalism award goes to...

Rick Armon, staff writer for the Rochester, NY Democrat and Chronicle, for this lead paragraph in which he explains to readers what happens in a political debate:
In their first televised debate in the race for Monroe County executive, Maggie Brooks and William A. Johnson Jr. agreed Thursday that there needs to be a change in county leadership, but differed sharply on who the better candidate is.
See how he keeps you in suspense? You want to read more to find out- who do they think the better candidate is? Maybe Johnson thinks Brooks is the better candidate, but Brooks disagrees!
Armon has written many of the Democrat and Chronicle's most insightful articles, including "Faucet settles 'water is wet' controversy" and "Latest finding: Blues singers not only ones who woke up this mornin'- you probably did too ".

insert appropriate 'monty python and the holy grail' quotation here

Is absolutely everyone involved in this war a couple tacos short of a combination platter?
Bush is gonna be in big trouble when the Man in the Yellow Hat finally catches up with him ("Look at the mess you've made, George!"), I keep expecting Rumsfeld to ask a reporter if he's ever seen an Iraqi drink a glass of water ("Flouridation is a terrorist plot!"), Ashcroft is singin' his ass off like he's in the Crystal Cathedral, Bremer seems like he's heavily sedated, Powell thinks a lipstick tube is part of a nuclear arsenal, Tom Ridge is screaming at us all to drop and give him twenty, and now we've got this raving lunatic.
It makes me glad I'm not going to have grandchildren- I don't know how I'd ever explain this all to them.

move over jeff daniels and jim carrey...

Bush and Schwarzenegger are supposed to be getting together today. There's a meeting of minds for you.
Infinitely dense. No light can escape.

a jug of wine, a box of crap, and thou

Ever wonder why the relationship always starts to fall apart after you move in together? Do you have cats? The News of the Weird may have your answer:
"Renewing a debate, Czech scientist Jaroslav Flegr reported in September that human infection by Taxoplasma gondii (to which cat owners are vulnerable as they clean litter boxes) tends to make women "reckless" and "friendly" and men "jealous" and "morose." Though any mammal could pass the toxins, cats that handle dead birds, bugs or mice rather easily pass it in their stools, though only for a few days after their first infection. (A 2001 report by researchers from Johns Hopkins and the University of Maryland had suggested that such infections might even cause schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.) [New Zealand Herald-Reuters, 9-23-03] "

Happy this website should suck but somehow doesn't day!

This website performs a beautiful tightrope act between enchanting and corny, and has managed to never yet fall off on the corny side.
Happy this website should suck but somehow doesn't day!

Oh, Calcutta!

I can see it now: "Now playing at the Shubert Theater: Sebastian Bach is Mother Teresa in Mother!"

if you want to be my friend, pt.1

Stop saying "not for nothin'"

Monk's daily "I think its a bunch of bullshit myself, but I do know one thing I am going to get my kicks in before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" horoscope

Your Birthday Today: October 14th, eh? Doesn't have much of a ring to it, does it? Dull, dull, dull. If I were born on October 14th I would've gone back in and waited 'til the 28th. I like the sound of October 28th.

Aries: No, it doesn't surprise me that he would say that.
Taurus: Can't you just let someone else talk for a minute?
Gemini: That greeting card isn't as funny as you think it is.
Cancer: No, it's a left here, then right at the light. Right, I said!
Leo: Damn, girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: That's right, I saw you checking out your own tits...
Libra: You and that lion at the zoo did not "connect". He's just hungry.
Scorpio: You got to have a mother for me so move your big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper baby...
Sagittarius: Jesus was a Capricorn.
Capricorn: You are too as think as I drunk you am.
Aquarius: TRUCK!
Pisces: It's Chicken OF the sea.

a whopper for breakfast

Through MoveOn.org, you can now stay current with the latest pure, unadulterated doo-doo with which our President likes to festoon our collective shoes. Every morning they'll send you another nose-grower.
If you want to start each day with that feeling of "I don't know whether to laugh or cry or move to the country and eat a lot of peaches", sign up here.

Here, you can only get those around Easter

This reminds me of the time I woke up after a pretty drinky evening and discovered a gallon of milk in the bathtub. And tourists scratching their heads in disbelief.
(link via telescreen.org)

Disassembly

Howard Shapiro, president and chief executive officer of the Energy Association of New York State:
"I don't think there was an intention to dis the Assembly".

Dis the assembly? The guy obviously has a love for wordplay:
"Shapiro criticized the Assembly for continuing to insist on protecting the lengthy public comment provision, often derided as NIMBY, or "Not In My Backyard." He said the opposition is more ardent today: BANANA (Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere, Not Anything) and NOPE (Not on Planet Earth). "
Howard, how about this: can we have something to say about what happens in our state if we phrase it either slangily or whimsically enough?

Hello, garden gate

This is too damn much. Love the way they edited it, like it went on for hours. Do "Rhinestone Cowboy"!
When I was watching this, I kept thinking about the scene in the movie Shampoo in which the Senator gets up at a republican fundraiser and delivers a strange speech about an "ancient grandmother who, upon seeing the
garden gate of her childhood, stops
a moment and says, hello garden
gate, hello garden gate, garden
gate, hello".
If Jerry Brown did this sort of thing the Republicans would accuse him of being back on the Bolivian Marching Powder.
Of course, Ashcroft's probably into the snake-handling, too.

I'm also Ed Anger

I have a confession to make: I wrote this piece. It's part of my plan to make Condoleezza Rice love me. OK, so maybe I have to initially pretend to be some slack-jawed dittohead to get my foot in the door, but once she falls in love with me, she'll realize the error of her ways. Then we can be together the rest of our days; livin', laughin, lovin', touchin', squeezin'- woops! Turned into Steve Perry for a moment. Don't wanna do that- Condy would never love Steve Perry.
What, you thought J. Grant Swank, Jr. was a real name?

"Did you drink all the milk?" "Russ, you'd have to ask the milk" "Who drank it?" "I already answered that question"

I know I keep harping about the White House Press briefings, but damn. They should really do a sitcom where Scott Mclellan and Russell Mokhiber are forced to share an apartment.

monk's bliss awareness futility raindrop horoscope guideposts for today

Your Birthday Today: Go to Hell. HA! Just kidding- who loves ya? This guy! Now gimme a hug you bastard.

Aries: Be careful what you tweeze.
Taurus: Taurus Taurus BoBaurus, mo mee my mo Maurus- Taurus!
Gemini: You've got something on your lip. No, in the corner. Here, use my napkin.
Cancer: You will use the word "godawful" three times today.
Leo: Damn, girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: Yeah, right.
Libra: Today everybody calls you the coward of the county.
Scorpio: "You must not show it to the Laker girls!"
Sagittarius: Your sign is hard to spell.
Capricorn: I don't know any goddamn Capricorns, do you?
Aquarius: If you don't mind me saying so, maybe this should be the dawning of the Age of Deodorant.
Pisces: Oh my god- don't look at me like that...

i need me one of these

I've had this cold for about a week now, and it astounds me the sheer volume of snot my body can produce.
If anyone can think of a practical use for snot that might allow me to bottle and sell it, I'd be happy to cut you in on the profits.

Super Tuesday

They're expecting a record voter turnout in the california recall. This kicks my ass, considering the 2002 gubernatorial had an embarrassingly low turnout.
So, let me get this straight, California: you'd rather participate in the dismantling of democracy than in democracy itself?
Or was the problem in 2002 that there were no Hollywood action heroes running?
Maybe we should start holding primaries at Toys R Us...

Now hold on there, pardner:

(picture found at Word of Messiah Ministries' website)

I'd like my jaw broken, not busted, thank you

When did Jaw Breakers become Jaw Busters? Sorry, Ferrara Pan- I gotta call bullshit on that.

california uber alles or, arnold macht frei

Well, if you axe me it looks like old Arnold (Schwarzenegger, not Drummond) is going to be Cali's next governor.
Not that this should or will be of any comfort to anyone, but I don't think he really meant that thing about admiring Hitler. I think Arnold was just like that kid in high school who think's he's gonna earn himself some points towards his Rebel/ Original Thinker merit badge by saying some shit about "I'm not saying what Hitler did was right, but you gotta admire his ability to organize".

Well no, ya dumb punk- I don't gotta do anything- and that would be a very Original Thought if millions of brainwashed Germans hadn't already thunk it.
Guys like this fall into the same category as the guy at the party who pipes up with "I think Nixon got a bad rap. Aside from Watergate, he was a pretty good president. He opened up China!".
That's always there- "he opened up China" is supposed to be the all-purpose defense of Nixon.
Firstly, anyone who thinks Nixon was just misunderstood should read Abuse of Power edited by Stanley Kutler to see in Nixon's own words what a truly Bad Man he was.
Secondly, "he opened up China"? So fuckin' what? People always say this as though it's some self-evidently wonderful thing. Perhaps I don't understand the subtlety of world affairs, or maybe us young folk just don't remember the dark days before the U.S. could trade openly with that great abuser of human rights and manufacturer of shoddy merchandise. Thanks, Dick! Maybe somebody out there can enlighten me about why exactly an open China is s'posed to make me like Nixon (an open China- that sounds dirty!-ed.).
Of course neither the Hitler guy nor the Nixon guy have much of a grasp of what they're saying. They're just attempting to strut their plumage by expressing an opinion that, although far from original, will probably be contrary to that of most of the people around them.
It's always delicious to watch this backfire, as somebody makes them look like the jackasses they are.
Strangely, both of these guys are usually also the kinds of guys who like to grope women.
So, no, Arnie's probably not a Nazi. Just a world-class moron of the sort we've all known and loved to mock at parties.
He's all yours, Caligulafornia!

Old farts at play

Today I wanted some new (to me- as in not already belonging to me) music real bad. There's one cd I've wanted for some time now, and I called a couple of the local stores to see if they had it. They didn't. Hi ho, as Kurt V. would say.

I knew I could order it online, but I like to give independently owned stores my business when I can.
So, I decided to hit a couple stores, thinking that I'd have to run across something that I'd get excited about.
Bythe time I came home with a cd in hand, I didn't even feel like listening to it. I'd picked something mostly out of a refusal to return home empty-handed. There was a time when the frustrating aspect of a trip to the record store was that I couldn't buy all the records I wanted- actually not just wanted but HAD TO HAVE.
I saw lots of things that I thought were probably pretty good, I listened to a few things on the nasty headphones (they always make my head itch for a week whenever I think about them) that I kind of liked, but I wanted that feeling- remember that feeling?
I remember booking home from the record store on my bike- "booking" is what we used to call "going fast"- with a Ramones or Pretenders record flapping wildly from where it hung off the handlebars, knowing I was in for something really exciting.
The worst thing is, it's not, I think, that music is less exciting now. It's me. It doesn't excite me because I don't get excited. When I was listening to some of these new bands on the itchy headphones, I kept thinking "Well, this song sounds like John Lennon. This sounds like the Faces", etc. I was being totally unfair since Rock n' Roll's all about appropriation (the Blues had a baby and they named it...).
The fact is, I knew what I wanted without necessarily being able to articulate it, and nothing I saw was IT. And my ability to adjust my desires has apparently lost its flexibility right along with my spine and my calf muscles.
I guess this all boils down to this: I'm getting old, goddamn it. Need further proof? This new and exciting artist whose cd I was initially looking for? I heard about it on NPR. This is where I find out about what's new and hip.
Hi ho.
Oh- in case you're wondering, I was looking for "Oh Me Oh My" by Devendra Banhart, and ended up buying "Never Say Goodbye" by Roky Erickson which turned out to be way too perfect for comfort. But hey, who needs comfort?

Dennis, we hardly knew ye

Why is it that when I watch the Democrats debate Kucinich seems to get the biggest rounds of applause, but when I watch/read/listen to the news there's nary a word about him?
Someone decided to do something about it.
Everyone I talk to says "Yeah I really like Kucinich but he hasn't got a chance".
Me: "So you're not going to vote for him?'
Them: "Right"
SO- Here's what happens. Nobody's heard of him, but they see him in the debates and they like him. Then they see the news about the debate. The news doesn't talk about him because nobody's heard of him. So everybody thinks "Gee I really thought he had good things to say in the debate. How come they didn't mention him on the news? Must be he hasn't got a chance". So some pollster calls and everyone says "Oh yeah- I'm not voting for Kucinich". He gets low numbers at the polls, so the news doesn't report on him.
This is a great system we have in this country.

Lining up to mad-dog your tilt-a-whirl

On this crisp autumn day, let's just look at Tom Waits for a minute.

Wasn't that nice?

One for the fridge

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary"-H.L. Mencken

Sting, where is thy death?

According to a friend of a friend, "54 is the new 27". A No-Prize to the True Believer who can tell me to what that refers.
Hint: Sumner's got a couple years.

Monk's daily affirmation

"A black eye never reformed a drunkard, a czar never stopped a free thought".
-Charles Ives, American composer

Add impact to your speech!

Here's How:
Preface whatever you want to say with "In the words of the old Negro Spiritual".
Example:
"Hey Dave- in the words of the old Negro Spiritual- close the damn door!".
"In the words of the old Negro Spiritual- we're out of toilet paper!"
"In the words of the old Negro Spiritual- make it a double!"

See what I mean?

if you want it, here it is, come and get it

I'm going to tell you my latest brilliant idea, but only if you promise not to steal it.
Promise?

O.K. Here it is:
I'm going to form a Badfinger tribute band.
"Yeah?", you say, "So?"
The brilliant part is what I'm gonna call it.
Ready?

WORSEFINGER.

Aw yeah.

No Stealing!