The Monk Bought Lunch

might as well face it

I don't care too much that Robert Palmer's dead, but I guess I oughta give him props for coming up with the line "She's so fine, there's no telling where the money went", which I always liked, enough that I paraphrased it for the link below that tells you how much the war in Iraq is costing us.
Also, I still think Power Station sounded pretty good- of course all due to Tony Thompson's (Chic) drumming (I think they could have surrounded him with squirrels stuck inside metal garbage cans and they still would have funked up the place).Oh- and he looked good in a suit. Not too many people do in my opinion- so why does everybody wear them? So I'll nod my head for a second to mark his passing, then go about my business.

put the boogie in your butt

The other night I watched Jackass: the Movie. Here's the first Monk movie review:

If you like to watch naked boys sticking things in their butts, there's a whole genre you might be interested in: it's called gay porn.
I know I should've known better, but I'd seen the TV show a few times and there were things that made me laugh- granted, not many things, but still. So I watched it, and I think Knoxville and his friends need to do some serious soul-searching re: their sexuality. The movie just seemed to be an excuse for a bunch of doofuses to get naked around each other and stick things in their butts while giggling like schoolgirls. Which would be fine if it were being done in a spirit of freedom and acceptance. But there was a palpable feeling that these dudes are really repressed- hence the overtones of violence throughout the thing.
One good part: the opening sequence, directed by Spike Jonez. Watch that and turn it off- then rent some gay porn.

list from an old notebook: 8/6/99

Spy Train
Glory Molar
What's His Face
Paste your Favorite
Blame Wallet
"I'm pickle-less!"
nipple attractor
dildophonics
Impulse Returning

Is "Eat a Bowl of Fuck, Tom DeLay" Hate Speech?

I gotta give it to the Republicans (and believe me, I'd like to)- they sure know how to manipulate language. Now they're accusing Democrats who criticize the president or the war of Hate Speech.
What th'hell?

Of course, the phrase "hate speech" has no clear definition, which makes it handy to use. However, if we go by it's use thus far, "hate speech" doesn't include speech that criticizes someone's actions. "Hate Speech" has thus far been used to denote speech that insults or threatens someone based on their race, creed, gender, sexual preference- well, you get the idea.
Not that anyone reading this doesn't already know all of this, or that it matters to people like Tom DeLay. See, this kind of stuff isn't even meant to be processed intellectually- it's designed to provoke an emotional response, and once that's done, the emotion remains even if the point has been proven false.
This is Newt Gingrich's wonderful legacy- the implementation of vague but loaded language to pull the dacron over everyone's eyes. Incidentally, he didn't invent this; Nazis (yeah I said it- "Nazis"!), salesmen, self-help and new age gurus have been using these techniques for ever. Ever watch that Edwards guy who says he can talk to your dead Grandma? Guess what? She wants you to know that she loves you! Awww...
Sorry- What was I talking about? Oh yeah- Hate Speech. Well, when Dick Gephardt says that the president's handling of the war is "a miserable failure", that's not Hate Speech. If he'd said Bush was "a miserable Honky failure", well, maybe.
But he'd still be right!

miracle whip (nah-that's bullshit!)

My friend Greg sent me a couple of his lists, just to make mine look bad:

heres a list of things i dont
have right now:

whiskey
feel good comedy of the summer
infinity bottles of beer on the wall
an ache-y breaky heart
50c to call somebody who cares
a tv sidekick
a getaway car
a wooden nickle
half a mind to
a fortunate son
any guidelines
enough 3x5 cards
guard dogs
paying gigs
time in a bottle

a partial list of things i do have

rainbow connections
less daylight
teachers
critics
grievances
chances
misguided sense of hope
miracle whip (nah-that's bullshit!)
compadres
last minute requests
bankable skills
what'd you say to me?

Look out- he's got a baklava!

Heard about this story on the radio this morning. You'd think they'd just let the baklava thing go, just to avoid sounding silly. Can you fit a file into one of those things?
Are we going to start getting stories like "a suicide bomber walked into a crowded market in Jerusalem today and set off his baklava, killing himself and three Israelis, and completely ruining a delicious Challa"?

Incidentally, it occurs to me these days that my clock radio should have three settings: Buzzer, Radio, and A Bomb Went Off in Baghdad This Morning.

The roar of the masses could be farts

These guys think You Norkers should make alot of noise to disrupt the RNC. As I've said before, I think yelling and screaming is played out as a communicatin device- the Republicans have mastered the art of "There they go again" and the public seems to buy it.
I'm serious about this-you'll probably want a vacation around that time anyway, go to Cape Cod, go see your sister in Skaneateles- don't go to the Adirondacks, too many skeeters- but let the Republicans arrive to an empty New York!

Supply Clapp Thwing

Every once in a while some earnest and pushy soul asks me one of those put-you-on- the-spot-'cause-I-want-to-get-to-know-the-Real-You questions like "Monk- what delights you?". I usually say something like "I'd have to say cute little stories about moles and toads- y'know, all the things you step on when you walk in the woods"- something to make them go away. But the truth of it is, I'm such an idiot that THIS is the sort of the thing that delights me.
Stick that in your Zoda Viola Klontz Gazola. And smoke it.

I'll have a Love Supreme with a side of Giant Steps, please.

If you see John Coltrane today, wish him a Happy Birthday. And lay off the mushrooms, dude.

Put a Tiger in Your Tank!

I know this sort of thing should be the least of our worries in Iraq, but it really pisses me off, especially when we get to hear GWB yak about compassion on Fox last night.
I'm waiting for the administration to claim that the tiger had links to Al Qaeda.

I know you are but Hey! What's that behind you?

Fans of Lewis Carroll owe it to themselves to check out the Official Transcripts of the Daily White House Press Briefings. It can be a truly astounding exercise in illogic- whenever I read them I can't help but picture Scott Mclellan in a Mad Hatter outfit and all the reporters dressed like Alice, becoming more and more frustrated at the fact that the Hatter is seemingly answering questions he hears in his own head. Also recommended: Scottie and Me, wherein Russel Mokhiber tries valiantly(and vainly) to get an answer out of Mclellan. One.
Scottie's not nearly as much fun, in my opinion, as Ari Fleischer was- check out the archives at Scottie and Me for some of his aerial acrobatics.

Get Outta Dodge

I've a suggestion for all you New Yorkers. The Republican convention is coming to town, and what the GOP would like to see is "priceless worldwide television, radio and print coverage at a time when it is of supreme economic importance to communicate images of a resurgent New York City". I'm sure many of you plan to protest outside the convention, and though I'm not against street protests, I'm afraid that they lack impact in the United States of Whatever. The Home Viewer sees footage on TV and thinks "oh . people waving signs and yelling- yeah, Whatever".
I think everyone who opposes this administration and its actions should leave town for the duration of the convention. Think about it: if everyone opposed to the Bush administration who lives and/or works in the New York City area left, it would leave things looking anything but resurgent. And what would it look like if the only people in town were Republicans?

This should be done with some stealth- The less awareness the Republican party has of this beforehand the better. I think it would really get their garters trembling if they showed up, looked around, and said "where the hell is everybody?
And Bloomberg standing there shrugging his shoulders. "Gee, guys, I don't know what happened. You shoulda seen this place yesterday! People all over! Black, White, young, old..."
"Yeah well now it's just us Old White Guys! How's that gonna look on TV?".
I dunno. Just think it over, wouldja?

I'll take "Screaming Women" for $200, Alex

Little-known Rock Fact:
The 1910 Fruitgum Company was originally called the 1911 Triangle Shirt Waist Factory, but it was decided the name was too much of a bummer for a bubblegum rock band.

RIP Johnny Cash

also, John Ritter fell behind the couch and never got up. Chrissie said to be hysterical for the first time ever.

a public service

Just while it's on my mind: of the few friends I have, the majority are female. If I start going into the reasons for this, we'll be here all night. I'm perfectly happy with this state of affairs, but there seems sometimes to be a tiresome recurring theme to my conversations with my female friends- namely, the creeps they've dated.

Part of my complaint is that I always sense an implied complicity- and sometimes an explicitly stated "why didn't you stop me?". Well, for starters, and not to come off condescending because the good lord knows i've made my mistakes too, but because you're a big girl now. Also because we both know that when you're either enthralled with someone or just plain horny, my saying "you know that guy's a creep, don't you?" will be treated with the same gravity as a mosquito buzzing around your ear. So don't blame me, but don't blame yourself either- one reason I can recognize creepiness that eludes you is that you're a girl and i'm a boy and an occasional creep- so i can smell the creepiness in other boys where you smell only a tad too much CK One. However, there is one infallible rule you can take to the bank in your ongoing effort to avoid another debacle. It may sound too simple, it may sound like a generalization, you may find yourself tempted on occasion to ignore this bit of free advice. I implore you- don't. This one is guaran-fucking-teed a hundred percent. Are you ready? Here it is:
If a guy wears a vest with no shirt, he is a creep.
Don't ask me to explain why, just please believe me. If a guy doesn't know that a vest is an outer garment, can you really expect him to know, y'know, things like, well, you know.
You're welcome.

A Loaf of Bread and a Stick of Butter

I know several people who compulsively make lists. My theory is that it's a substitute for actually doing anything. Haven't they ever heard of alcohol? Anyway, I make lists too- but mine aren't really things to do. They're just lists of phrases, images, slogans for nonexistent companies and products (and some real ones)- I guess the best way for me to describe it is verbal nose-picking. I kind of reach in, stare at my finger, and wipe it on the page.
Well, I'm in a kind of foul mood today and don't really feel like talking, so you're stuck reading a randomly selected list from an old notebook:

the smell of old mop
a trick knee
a blind arithmetist
a sexy coupon
a plaster divorce kit
a trojan lobster
the man who all of the sudden one day couldn't see pants

a broken sink
pineapple flambe'
frottage
the frenetic cleaning of garbage cans
the words "SMILING DEATH" appearing in your bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal
a spectral mongoose named Jef. one "f".
the turd that would not flush
some lions feasting on a felled wildebeest- among them, a chihuahua, doing the same.
its tail wagging like crazy.
some stupid with a flare gun burnt the place to the ground
smoke on the water
newspaper clippings of the gods
rich corinthian leather
the horror
the horror

that was complete and unexpurgated, unfortunately.
another list the next time I have nothing to say.

Nothing about the anniversary

The good news: Major labels are lowering their CD prices.
The bad news: The music still SUCKS.

Dang me

It's no wonder they don't let the President talk too much. Did anyone notice things get a little weird at one point?
" I recognize that not all of our friends agreed with our decision to
enforce the Security Council resolutions and remove Saddam Hussein from
power. Yet we cannot let past differences interfere with present
duties. Terrorists in Iraq have attacked representatives of the
civilized world, and opposing them must be the cause of the civilized
world. Members of the United Nations now have an opportunity -- and
the responsibility -- to assume a broader role in assuring that Iraq
becomes a free and democratic nation.

I hear tell you’re doin’ well,
Good things have come to you.
I wish I had your happiness
And you had a do-wacka-do,
Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do.

(Nonsense syllable interlude)

Yeah, I see you’re goin’ down the street in your big Cadillac,
You got girls in the front, you got girls in the back,
Yeah, way in back, you got money in a sack,
Both hands on the wheel and your shoulders rared back
root-doot-doot-doot-doot, do-wah
Thank you. God Bless and Good Night."

Yeah, you guessed it: the weird part is when he says
"Members of the United Nations now have an opportunity -- and
the responsibility -- to assume a broader role in assuring that Iraq
becomes a free and democratic nation".

The UN reponds:
"Thanks George! And you have an opportunity-- and the responsibility-- to go outside and play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself!"

Excitable Boy

Warren Zevon dead at 56
I know many would debate this, mostly idiots, but to me Zevon was punk rock. Yes, he knew more than three chords and yes his guitar player (with the great session-musician name of Waddy Wachtel) had the longest hair this side of Nicolette Larson, and yes most would tend to lump him in with such easy-going Acapulco Goldylocks So-Cal singer-songwriters as Jackson Browne, but just check the lyrics to Bill Lee:
You're supposed to sit on your ass and nod at stupid things
Man, that's hard to do
And if you don't, they'll screw you
And if you do, they'll screw you, too

And sometimes I say things I shouldn't
Like.... (violin)
And sometimes I say things I shouldn't
Like.... (violin)

Fuck you Misfit-jacket, that's punk rock!

When I was thirteen years old I wanted to be Warren Zevon when I grew up. Now I'm nearly thirty-five, and I'm afraid I might be.
When I get home tonight, a tight little shot of tequila and a couple air guitar run-throughs of "Lawyers, Guns and Money".

Stalkster?

"Constantly visiting your ex-whatever's blog (or Friendster profile) is the new driving by her/his house", according to this person. What is it when your ex-whatever actually creates your blog?
should I be thinking about a restraining order?

Kofi in Bed

Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz says that the decision to ask the UN for help in Iraq reflects less a change of heart in the US's attitude then it does the fact that the UN has come around to Americas way of thinking about a US-led international force.
When asked in the same interview about the young lady who had recently pissed on him when he was on fire, Wolfowitz had this to say:
"Yeah, she totally wants me".

A Baby is Not a Maraca

These ads that say "Never Shake a Baby" are very thought-provoking. What kinds of thoughts do they provoke in me? Thanks for asking!
For one thing, they seem like a missed opportunity. If the corporate world had any smarts, they wouldn't let the chance to "brand" these ads slip by them. Let me give you a for-instance:

You should Never Shake a Baby. You should Shake n' Bake a chicken!

Pretty good, huh? You guys at Shake n' Bake can have that one, free of charge. What need has a genius of money?

Also, I think about the fact that they always specify that it's babies you should never shake. Well, it follows then that a child must reach an age at which it's okay to shake them. So I got to wondering, after the last time I visited my sisters and her kids, what this age might be.
So I called a pediatrician, but they wouldn't tell me, and got very angry when I said I thought they weren't telling me because they didn't know. And you call yourself a doctor.
I didn't get a chance to explain this to the quack, but I think my reasons for seeking this information are pretty altruistic.
In our secularised society, we're woefully short on rites of passage. I for one think this is one of the reasons we have kids in college that act and think like they're ten-year-olds; nobody's told them that they're not!
Also, these ads are inadequate in that they fail to offer a practical alternative to infantishake. What do they tell you? Put it in it's crib and get away? What if it was already in it's crib, and you're the only adult around? What are you supposed to do, go down to the bar and hope it's quiet when you get back?
Here's my idea. When a child reaches the age of safe shaking, friends and relatives gather together for a celebration. They have a good meal, with beets on the side and jell-o for dessert, then they pass that kid around and give him or her a good shake.
I've even got a name for this sacrament: the Feast of Saint Vitus.
Think about it. With this tradition in place, shaking the baby is just a release deferred to a time when it will do no serious harm. So when the baby's pissing you off, you gently coo "Oh, you'll get yours at the Feast, don't worry". It will be so much easier to resist shaking when you know you'll have a chance later, am I right?
As a matter of fact, that could be part of the Feast activities. As various family and loved ones shake the kid, they could rattle off a litany of offenses for which the kid was almost shaken as an infant:
"I couldn't hear one word of Conan's monologue!"
"I couldn't hear the oven timer and burnt the french fries!"
"I was trying to get some with your babysitter and she kept having to get up and 'check on the baby', 'check on the baby'!"
"Look what you did to my tits!"
"Look what you did to her tits!"
Before you know it, everyone's laughing. Except maybe the kid. By the way, don't let him or her eat too much.

Damn, Girl!

I think this is what Sophie B. Hawkins really meant to say: Download file
It's best that I spare you the reasons, but this was my mental soundtrack for the Labor Day weekend (music found at Found)