So I have this guest pass for a Bally's gym, and the girlfriend and I (or "my child bride" as I like to call her when I want to piss her off and creep everybody else out)went. Now, I don't know if any of you have ever been to these kinds of places, but it's kind of like working in a factory, but you pay the factory. And nothing is produced.
So while I was pumping away on one of those recumbant stationary bicycles and keeping half an eye on the guy on top of the corner stony crag waving a pitchfork and fanning the flames, I stared at the bank of televisions in front of me.
I had the enormous good luck to be able to see Larry King's coverage of the Senate nerve gas scare. They keep the sound off on the TVs so your enjoyment of the music is in no way diminished. Because who wants to miss such soul-jarring segues as Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Cold Shot" followed by that "I Got the Power" song followed by BTO's "Takin' Care of Business"?
What was I getting at? Oh yeah- Larry and the gas.
So, through the magic of closed captioning I got to read the unfolding drama- the story they were covering was that two hours previous, a senate office building had been evacuated to a parking garage and all the evacuees were waiting to find out if they could leave the parking garage.
Which seems to me the kind of story where you'd go "Here's the situation- we'll let you know if there are any developments", and proceed with a show that might interest somebody somewhere. Shows how much I know- Larry King quickly gathered together a panel of experts that included a lady who'd been in Japan during the subway gas attack, and I don't really know who the other people were, but one was wearing a tux. The great thing was the quality of the conversation. I'm going by memory here, but I think it went something like this:
Larry: So, if I'm Mike Brady, Lucy Blahblah would be Janet. How's it going up in your square, Lucy?
Lucy: Hello, down there!
Larry: So Lucy, since we don't know anything about what's happening now, why don't you talk about something else that happened somewhere else once?
Lucy: Sure thing, Larry. It was the subway and people were clutching their chests and writhing around on the ground.
Larry: But as far as we can tell, that's not happening here.
Lucy: That's right Larry.
Larry: You, up there in the tux, approximately Peter Brady- what are the symptoms we'd see if this were a nerve gas attack?
Tux: Well, Larry, the symptoms include blurred vision, difficulty in breathing, some other stuff, and death.
Larry: Thanks guys. What I'm gonna need you to do is to rearrange those words each of you just spoke and say them in a different order whenever I point to you for the next hour. Got that?
Lucy: That sounds swell, Larry.
Tux: Aye-aye, cap'n!
Larry: And you, the other guy- Bobby Brady- once in awhile you go "If I could just jump in here for minute Larry" and then ask Lucy or Tux to rearrange their words again.
Other Guy: Affirmative, Larry.
And that's just what they did, until the Senators were allowed to leave the parking garage and Sgt. Schneider of the Capitol Police had a press conference to say "no gas-apparently the sensors smelt it but nobody dealt it", and everybody lived happily ever after.
Oh, and Sgt. Kimberly Schneider? Am I the only one who thinks she's kinda hot?
Posted by monk at 09.02.06 10:54You missed the part where Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire actually gave a pretty good quote about how it had been a roller coaster of a day, starting out with riding back with Bush from New Hampshire on Air Force One, and ending it stuck in a parking garage and having to forage in an aide's glove compartment so they could snack on saltines.
Larry immediately interrupted, asking "What were you doing in New Hampshire?"
(Memo to Larry King -- senators sometimes visit their home states. Y'know, to check in with voters or something.)
Posted by: Vidiot at 09.02.06 18:31I've tried to read this like four times now, and I can't get past the part where YOU went to a GYM.
Posted by: antigeist at 10.02.06 17:51I think surely he made that part up about going to a gym, so he could be a situation where he had to imagine that dialogue (because the sound was off on the imaginary TV in his made up visit to the gym, you see). The real point of the story is the end, where he gets to note that Kimberly was "hot." This is obviously (to me) why he wrote at all, so he could say that AS IF JUST TOSSED OFF--and this must also be the springboard of his fantasy of going to the gym with his "child bride", you see. To get in shape for his rich fantasy life! Whatever happens he seems to have it made, either with Kimberly, who though on TV is clearly imaginary and unobtainable, or his child bride, who is the opposite--if that makes any kind of sense. This Monk leads a very exciting life, I often (twice at least!) have seen him at clubs here in City X. And he is a subtle stylist--I think I have proven that beyond a doubt, with my equally subtle analysis; and I encourage him to write longer and longer posts.
Posted by: Mortimer Shy at 13.02.06 21:56Anti- I'll interpret your comment to mean "Why would Monk, Adonis that he is, ever need to visit a gym?", and thank you for your flattery. Mortimer- I'll do whatever I can to make my post longer. Posts, sorry.
Posted by: monk at 14.02.06 10:30Yeah, sure. That's what I meant.
However if you end up going back (even though we've clearly established you have absolutely no need to) let me hip you to something: You know how there's those cup-holder looking things on either side of a treadmill or a stair machine? That look as though--I mean, one assumes--they're designed to hold a cold beer and pack of smokes? Well turns out they're for bottled water.
You don't want to make that mistake. Trust me.
Posted by: antigeist at 14.02.06 11:27