Monk

the debate rules!

The presidential candidates negotiated the rules for the debates. This has never worked for me: "Okay, I'll play Scrabble with you, if I get to pick my letters from two piles- one for vowels and one for consonants. And I can go diagonally, but you can't. And I've got the dictionary right here in this three-ring binder. No? Well, then I'm not going to play!".
Anyway,here they are, as far as I understand them (given that I haven't actually read them- c'mon, it's what, like 35 pages?):
The Republicans agreed to 3 debates even thought they wanted only 2. In return, George Bush will be allowed to straddle a cannon while Kerry will stand behind a Playskool workbench. See, this works out nicely for both opponents- it allows Bush to play up his Commander-in-Kickass image, while helping Kerry downplay his liberal elite label. Kerry is allowed to demonstrate his ablility to pound the round thing into the round hole.

Props (aside from those already mentioned) will not be allowed. Prop comics, however, are permitted. The Democrats have chosen Carrot Top, while the Republicans will be going with Gallagher (I hope Jim Lehrer has a raincoat!). Howie Mandel was disqualified, as he is a Canadian. The prop comic allowance is to ensure that at no point will the debates become in any way amusing.
The candidates are not allowed to ask each other direct questions. This restriction is easy to work around, however, using sentence structure: "I wonder if my opponent has thought about whether or not his cocaine abuse has rendered him an impotent retarded shit-for-brains draft dodger whose literal flaccidity causes him to demonstrate cognitive priapism?". "It occurs to me that my opponent voted for my bullshit war when it was politically expedient but now wants to place all the responsibilty for the mess we're in at my feet. And I have to wonder aloud, to no-one in particular, 'who the fuck does he think he's foolin'?".
The participants will be alerted that their response time is up by a bear in a tutu riding a tricycle around the stage. Should they exceed their alloted time, a 16-ton weight will drop from the ceiling accompanied by a 'phhhht' sound effect. Should these elements become at all amusing, the prop comics will be brought out to bring an appropriate somber mood back to the proceedings.
The candidates are not allowed to "whip it out". I don't know who they were concerned about here- maybe the Republicans were worried that Kerry's been taking advice from Clinton.
Well, this goes on for- what did I say?-35 pages, so I'm not going to enumerate the rules exhaustively. Will all this nitpicking result in a lively debate? And will they work to one candidate's advantage? Well, I don't know but I will go out on alimb here and say that I think Ken Jennings will still win.

Posted by monk at 29.09.04 12:25