Your Birthday Today: You won’t get any cards until next week.
Aries: You will watch an episode of “Raymond” to avoid being the first one at the party. You will still be the first one at the party.
Taurus: I’m going to say this slowly, so you can understand: Lead singers should not play air guitar.
Gemini: Q: Which twin has the Toni? A: Who cares?
Cancer: You’re a little hypersensitive these days. For example, that waitress did not call you a name, she asked you if you wanted some lobster bisque.
Leo : I think you misunderstand the meaning of “swing voter”. It doesn’t involve a special chair.
Virgo: See, they make these special chairs for- oh, nevermind.
Libra: Your inner Libra feels neglected when you have your outer Libra pierced.
Scorpio: When someone tells you that your self-confidence sometimes comes off as arrogance, the proper response is not “So it works!”.
Sagittarius : So this guy walks into a bar. Don’t you think you should have some other criteria?
Capricorn: The Indians call it Caprimaize!
Aquarius: Of all the qualities most people find attractive in a mate, pungency is not one. I’m just sayin’.
Pisces: Don’t panic! There isn’t really a person trapped in the Bazooka Joe bubblegum factory.