Your Birthday Today: You gotta look really really hot on your birthday. If you don't look really really hot you should just put on some sweat pants and stay home. You don't deserve a birthday.
Aries: You will bicycle to a job interview wearing white pants.
Taurus: That ocean cruise
will not go exactly as planned.
Gemini:You will be invited to a dinner at which "comfort food" will be served. This does not mean that you can sit in it.
Cancer: It's not just you: there are red pick-up trucks everywhere.
Leo : Damn!
Virgo: Avoid people who want you to "pick a card".
Libra: It's been said that a fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place. Please have your credit card ready.
Scorpio: Despite the fact that this astrologer has been accused of going easy on Scorpios which is unfair because I am hardly reponsible for the positions of the constellations or whatever you call them, I have to say that you look extremely handsome in that blue shirt you're wearing.
Sagittarius : Drink alot of water when you go out dancing. Hey, I wasn't the one who decided PVC would be good pants material (make that sixteen).
Capricorn: Now would be an auspicious time to go like this: "WAGAWAGAWAGA!"
Aquarius:You will take advice from any moron who offers it, which is the right thing to do.
Pisces: Everybody says "don't take rides from strangers". But how do you know you won't like it if you've never even tried?