The Monk Bought Lunch

Monk's got a horoscope for you if you'll bring Monk his pipe and slippers

Your Birthday Today: Sen. Robert Byrd will declare "Fie on you!", and sure enough by the end of the night you'll be up to your ears in Fie.

Aries: You will have a decision to make: plaster or poultice.
Taurus: You will have an argument with your significant other that culminates in you shouting "If I gotta spend another minute with you I don't think that I could barely survive", followed by an awkward silence as you both realize that you have just inadvertently quoted "Paradise by the Dashboard Light".
Gemini: All your friends are tired of you always having to say that the sweet and sour chicken doesn't look like chicken every time you go to a Chinese restaurant.
Cancer: Can we smoke in your car?
Leo: You will play Twister with unattractive people.
Virgo: You will offend your dog.
Libra: You will get so stoned that you will attempt to microwave your thoughts.
Scorpio: Somebody will try to blame you for the fact that they drank beer that had a cigarette butt in it.
Sagittarius: You won't know that I hung up about fifteen minutes ago.
Capricorn: Someone will have you by the short n' curlies, but you already knew that.
Aquarius: Love is neither exciting nor new.
Pisces: Your Precious Moments figurines will start bleeding from their eyes.