Your Birthday Today: Guy Fawkes Day is a much cooler holiday.
Aries: Aries, well, let's come back to Aries.
Taurus: Okay, we get it, you're stubborn. Now can we try going the speed limit?
Gemini: I hate to steal horoscopes, but today, for you, I'm going to have to quote Chris Rock: "Gemini- you're gonna die. Twice!".
Cancer: Why don't we have an astrological sign called Lupus?
Leo: Today, yo shit is miraculously not in my face.
Virgo: You look like MC Hammer on crack, Humpty!
Libra: You dream of the day when the Army has to hold a bake sale and the local PTA is carpet-bombing small villages.
Scorpio: How many times do we have to say this: Underpants on the bottom, hats on top.
Sagittarius: I know it's bow hunting season, but for some reason when you say you're going to bag a twelve point buck it sounds like you're talking about something else.
Capricorn: Capricorn. Are those the little juice drinks kids bring in their lunch?
Aquarius: Today, your freak flag flies at half mast.
Pisces: Yes, I read Still Life with Woodpecker. No, it didn't change my life. Go read a real book, wouldja please?
Aries: Nope, sorry. I still got nothin'.