Your Birthday Today: You will be "teabagged". Whether you like it or not.
Aries: You're gonna lose that girl. Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl.
Taurus: Today, though you feel like Benicio Deltoro, you look more like Benny Hill.
Gemini: Pearls are formed when an irritant lodges itself inside an oyster. The oyster covers the irritant in a substance called nacre, which builds up over the years to form a perfect shiny sphere. People do not secrete nacre, which makes you just aplain old irritant.
Cancer: If it's between "sexy maid" and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, please do us all a favor and go as the Turtle.
Leo: Damn, girl! Yo shit be up in my face!
Virgo: You, on the other hand, should go as the "sexy maid".
Libra: You should smell that before you drink it.
Scorpio: When asking someone if they want to see your scar, avoid the use of the phrase "proud flesh".
Sagittarius: If it's cold enough to wear a wool turtleneck, how can it be warm enough to wear sandals?
Capricorn: Yeah. Good luck with that.
Aquarius: Moss is not "nature's tampon".
Pisces: Damn! Leo's shit be up in your face!.