I live in a city where friendliness, or basic social etiquette perceived to be friendliness, can actually get you into trouble. Sometimes scary serious trouble. For example, a few days ago a man turned on his heels and followed (chased, I should say) me through an empty parking garage...because I answered him. He said "Hey, how's it going?" as he passed, without thinking I answered "Going fine thanks, and you?" having forgotten that around these parts there's no such thing as a simple exchange of pleasantries with a stranger. Since people go to great lengths to avoid eye contact it slipped my mind that one should assume a display of human kindness is part of an angle; and that reciprocation is an act of complicity. Which is why innocent, necessary talk with anyone you don't know--saying "excuse me", or "is this the line for tickets?" or "hey, you dropped your..."--is greeted with suspicion. And why anything beyond that--a cheerful smile and a "going fine, and you"--is tantamount to an invitation for a quick fuck in a parking lot.
But I can't seem to shut it off. It's ingrained. Where I grew up (in the Philadelphia area) you speak when you are spoken to. It's an unwritten law. You speak even if you meet someone's gaze in passing, you say something. No five hour conversation, just an acknowledgment the other person exists; a hey or whazzup, a full 'how are you today?' if it's an elder, a grunt of 'yo' for a peer. A nod will do. It's a show of respect--here we are, in this place, two people spinning around on the same earth, and I see you, I recognize you're there--and because it's about respect it's the ultimate in disrespect to ignore anyone. By not acknowledging another human being you are in essence saying they don't matter. They're not worth your breath. NOT speaking is what will get you harassed where I come from. Get you followed all the way to your front door. And they won't leave until you apologize for being an uppity too-good-to-say-hello bitch. It's pretty serious conditioning, and why I have such great difficulty switching gears.
So much so that even though I haven't lived in that part of the world in sixteen years I still reflexively say hello to passersby. Or nod at a person if I catch their eye, on the train for instance. And almost always, no matter who--young, old, hip, not, all races, all economic levels--they give me the same look. It says, 'Okay crazy lady, what's your deal? What do you want?' And then I am ignored, or as in the case of my parking lot man, hunted. It's made me enemies with a few old men in my neighborhood. One in particular gives me the most disturbing evil eye ever since that fateful day I (dared? had the audacity? was so rude to?) bid him a completely unsolicited "Good Morning."
After the parking garage experience (which, luckily, I emerged from unharmed due to the timely appearance of another person, a witness) I agreed it's high time I rewire my brain. Learn how to ignore people. Turn off the impulse to answer a greeting, or initiate one. I've been practicing, a little. I've tried to tap into what people find so endlessly fascinating about the tips of their shoes. I wear headphones that are attached to nothing so I can pretend I'm lost in a musical netherworld but am still be able to hear an emergency vehicle barreling through the crosswalk. I've upped my one yard stare to the standard hundred. I scowl, despite the long, large furrow it's permanently etched in my brow.
Why before you know it I'll be in like Portland or something, on vacation, visiting friends, and someone, a stranger in the street will say "Hey, how's it going?" and I'll just ignore them, or tell them to fuck off, and they'll turn to whomever their walking with and say, "...must be from New York."
That'll be a proud day.
Posted by Antigeist at January 12, 2006 04:12 PMSomething tells me they're not from New York, either.
Posted by: Vidiot at January 15, 2006 09:10 AMO.K.
There are just WAYYYYYY too many people on the planet, and your post proves it.
The debate should not be whether or not bith control is leagal, the debate should be whether or not to make it MANDITORY.
Posted by: Kelley Bell at January 15, 2006 08:02 PMOK, society has reached a new low--using the comments section of this fine blog to thrust SPAM at it's loyal readers! And wasn't PhenPhen BANNED by the FDA? I agree with Kelley's post above--mandatory birth control--perhaps add that to Centrum multivitamins?
Posted by: Kathleen at January 15, 2006 11:14 PM'sup.
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