The Department of Homeland Eat Me.

Had my previous run-ins with the DHS not caused me to strongly question the department's ability to protect us from the dangers that lurk in an unstable world, there'd certainly be no question now.

Air travel this time. At the last moment G and I decided to fly instead of drive to our vacation destination last month (if you could see our car, you'd understand). We flew from JFK, non-stop, and checked a single suitcase. After we landed we headed to baggage claim and retrieved our bag. I decided to call our friends and let them know we were on our way, but the phone was out of juice, so I opened our suitcase to grab the charger. I found it in the compartment where it had been packed, but the jewelry I had placed in the same compartment was very noticeably... not there. It hadn't shifted, it hadn't mysteriously moved someplace else, it was gone.

I was livid. The jewelry itself was for all intents and purposes, worthless. Two silver rings, the kind you can pick up from a street vender for five or ten bucks each, and a silver necklace whose worth could only be measured with memories; the affection I have for the owner of the store where I bought it, and a good friend with whom I share exquisite taste--she also has the same one. But street worth? Replacement value? In the grand scheme, nil. The fancy pimple cream in my suitcase cost more, the phone charger was worth more, which is why I had no reservations whatsoever about tossing that particular handful of trinkets in along with them. We're not talking the crown jewels here.

The point, however--which I tried to explain to the baggage security officer (to whom I b-lined when I discovered I'd been ripped off)--was not the amount or worth of the stolen items, but that they were stolen by A DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICER. The only possibility, as there was a sticker on our bag advertising (as they must, legally) it had been 'inspected' by the DHS after we had relinquished possession of it at JFK. I assumed, hopeful dipshit that I am, that fact would make for a fairly simple investigation. (Gee, maybe the people who had sole possession of the bag were the people who jacked my stuff!) She filled out part of a claim form, and gave me a 1-800 number for the Transportation Security Administration so that I may file it with them.

Of course the TSA had no bureaucratic infrastructure at the ready to handle my complaint. I knew the jewelry was gone, forever. And the claim form was a empty gesture since the TSA's fine-print state they assume no liability for valuables in checked baggage (well, there are ways, but you have to have original receipts, notarized replacement values, photographs of the item(s), and other mountains of proof no human being would have unless, ironically, they were attempting to perpetrate an insurance scam). No. My complaint was not WHAT was stolen, it was THAT something was stolen, in what we are led to believe--barefooted, triple metal detected, and stripped of our rights--is a necessary and efficient high-security environment...by an officer hired to provide the security. My issue, my claim, was simple: if our luggage is entrusted to people who have the time, opportunity, and criminal inclination to remove items, undetected, at will; they have the same opportunity to INSERT items, undetected, at will. My last attempt to explain such to the folks at the TSA 1-800 number received the following response: "I know, ma'am. We hear the very same fear from all the passengers who've had their luggage violated."

ALL the passengers who've had their LUGGAGE VIOLATED?!!! ALL of us. The THOUSANDS OF SUITCASES A DAY morally challenged freaks with less than honest agendas have access to? Why, if I wasn't drowning in my sour grapes over the loss of a few sentimental items I was obviously begging to have stolen from me, I might be basking the the glow of living in the most fucking secure place on earth.

When G and I complained about the theft to the airline, last ditch, they backed up TSA's party-line. We were told "Unfortunately, some people have to learn this lesson the hard way."

So there you have it kids, todays lesson: The Department of Homeland Security is a sham with no desire or obligation to protect you or your belongings, or any harm that may befall you or your belongings, and therefore...you.

[G? Now can I kick 'em in the ding-ding?]

Posted by Antigeist at August 16, 2005 05:27 PM