Antigeist: Having this Sufjan Stevens song on replay isn't helping either.

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March 24, 2004

Having this Sufjan Stevens song on replay isn't helping either.

Everyone agrees that denial is unhealthy. But when I have a day like yesterday, a day when I pace around having bitter arguments with family members in my head, during which I drudge up twenty, neigh, thirty year old hurt feelings and disappointments and emotional scars, and then get a headache and stomach ache and decide to drown it all with booze and fried food; it makes you wonder if denial, at a certain point, isn't actually the healthier alternative.

It all started because yesterday was my grandma's birthday, which I would have been celebrating with her had she not woke up feeling a bit 'wonky' (her words) two summers ago, and died of an inoperable brain tumor four months later.

My grandfather is honoring her birthday by hopping a plane to England with his girlfriend, who he plans to introduce to the extended family --my grandmother's relatives mostly-- and have accompany him on a visit to the place where my grandmother's ashes were scattered. The whole thing is rather sordid, in my opinion. Granted, I'm not elderly, I haven't experienced the loss of a life partner of fifty years; so what do I know about appropriate behavior for the modern widower? Looked at from the right perspective the whole 'taking your girlfriend to visit your dead wife's grave' thing is quite progressive, really. I suppose I should be happy for my granddad, that he's not alone, has a friend to share his remaining years with. But c'mon! "Happy Birthday, Luv! I miss you terribly, but as you can see...you were very quickly and easily replaced. Well, Ta-ra Duck! We're off to the pub."

I know, I know. It's not like that. But isn't it?

Anyway, I have a guest coming today, so I will either be on hiatus or posting sporadic, ill-conceived bullshit during the next week. In other words, same old.

Posted by Antigeist at March 24, 2004 02:26 PM

Comments

i'm sorry, lady...

what is it about some men and their thoughtlessness? lauren's dad went on his first date after her mom's death on their family's first christmas without mom. (ps the two youngest were 16 when mom died). and then he told the kids he was going get remarried and that he was moving in with the wife and getting rid of all the household stuff on the first anniversary of her death. and then he decided to introduce his new girlfriend (now 3rd wife) to the family at his grandson's christening, coincidentally hosted by his DEAD WIFE'S family at his dead wife's mother's church- and none of the family had seen anyone in Lauren's family since the funeral.

it's all about timing. and sensitivity. and sometimes people can't see through their own pain enough to spare the people around them pain.

i'm thinking about you.

Posted by: z. at March 24, 2004 03:13 PM

I tend to think of taking your girlfriend to your dead wife's grave as more of a first date thing- y'know, to get sympathy. Even if you don't have a dead wife:
"This (sniff) is where my wife is buried".
"Your wife's name was Ralph?"

Posted by: monk at March 24, 2004 03:19 PM