How did we get Hawaii, anyway?

G and I are getting sick. Went to bed just plain old us, woke up Mr. and Miss Snotsalot, (aka the sniffle twins). Thus far our efforts to try and clear our nasal passages has been futile, either by tissue or snorking it back up into our heads; loudly. I have a feeling we will be a mess by days end. And very, very moist of face. But oh how we will miss the runny nose when it turns into stuffy sinus headache head, as these types of colds inevitably do.

But I'll go to work. Breathe dangerous fumes that are a part of this particular gig. I will convince myself they are killing the bacteria in my head instead of aggravating my respiratory problems. And pray I don't have a repeat of yesterday's commute. Maybe it was the onset of the cold that skewed my perspective, I don't know, but I had the strangest commute, ever. One of those experiences that reminds you, Oh, that's right. I live in New York.

It started with the train not coming. Forever. And when it did it inched into the station, taking a full two or three minutes to come to rest at the end of the platform and open its doors. Excruciating. I boarded. Took a seat. And stared out the window opposite me at the nothing on the other side. The conductor --who had apparently channeled the ghost of Rod Roddy-- came over the speaker, "GooooooOOOOOOD Morning, and thank you for using the New! York! City! Transit! System! This is a Man Hat Tan bound Llllllllll train with service to 8th AV-A-NEW. Next stop? Lorimer street! Stand clear of the closing doors, and thank you for using the M. T. A.!" I looked around to see if anyone else thought it odd that our announcements were so...perky. Not a soul looked up from their shoes. I figured I was imagining things and went back to my study of the nothing behind the glass. Except there was. As we entered the tunnel faces appeared. And upheld hands with lanterns in them. They all looked horrified, or bored, which can look the same. Now in full Jacob's Ladder mode, I opened my mouth to scream oh god people are trapped in the tun... but then caught a glimpse of an MTA logo on one of the disembodied heads. My horror switched to feeling a bit silly (a trend, as you'll see). And wonderment of how a person could sandwich themselves between a crumbling wall and a moving train for minimum wage and shitty health benefits, and look (what I decided was) bored doing it.

I exited at my stop to make my transfer. A short man with a wild, gravity defying afro appeared from behind a pillar. He stumbled forward like he was drunk, which was exposed as a ruse because he quite deftly pounced in front of an oncoming traveler. The person jumped, then stared at the man, then walked around him. The man meandered off, resuming the drunk guy stagger, only to pounce again, this time in front of me. Since I'd seen the trick a second ago I didn't jump exactly, just stood still, ready to kick or punch or do whatever I needed to do when this guy did whatever he was going to do. He did nothing. Smiled. Walked around me, pitched and faltered, until he found another face to appear in front of. And then another. Our morning commute real live jack-in-the-box. Harmless.

My transfer arrived, and although I only had two stops to go, I took a seat; having become exhausted before my day had even begun. I looked around, and was confident this train was going to be different. It was a new train, shiny. It smelled freshly mopped. Nice, clean people read books. Moms and kids talked about homework. Even the after shave of the man strap-hanging beside me was particularly pleasant. As was he. Mid-50's, handsome jawline, camel hair coat and matching light brown attache. Italian shoes. English professor, I thought. Lawyer. Architect. Whatever. But most importantly NOT a snarky, overly insincere conductor, disembodied tunnel head, or jack-in-the-box type. The doors closed and I exhaled.

The train pulled away, silence overtook the car. My nice-smelling English Professor positioned himself at the center pole, directly in front of me. He cleared his throat.

"Anyone know how we got Hawaii? Anyone? Anyone?" His voice filled the car, amply. "How about the American Virgin Islands? Anyone? Hello? How about how we obtained America in the first place? Anyone know? Have any of you even read a History book? Show of hands?

I kept my face pointed toward my shoes, afraid I'd make the cardinal mistake of eye contact. I continued to listen.

"Anyone know why we became involved in WWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam?" I let my eyes travel up far enough to see he was wearing a button that read 'War IS Terrorism' then quickly darted them away, chose instead to focus on the young woman to my right who was attempting to disappear into her scarf, quite successfully.

"All I'm trying to say people is if you paid any attention to our country's methods of land and resource acquisition, you would not think this was a justified war. This war is wrong, and anyone who supports it is supporting terror."

The train stopped. He walked toward the door, placed a hand on my left shoulder and said, "I hope you sleep well tonight." Assuming, I guess, I was just another of the ill-informed blind war mongers, which blew the support of his message I had up to then. Asshole.

I got above ground and made a b-line for a little coffee stand I like to visit on the way to work. I hoped a hot tea would erase the bads. All the bads. In line I noticed that the woman ahead of me was the same disappearing in scarf woman I had just sat next to on the train. A kindred spirit, I thought. Probably needed a hot drink just as much, and for the same reason, as I did. Her presence provided me with a perfect opportunity to connect with someone who had witnessed a portion of my bizarro morning, and possibly help put it behind me so I could move ahead into (what I still believed could be) a pleasant day. I caught her eye as she payed up for her coffee. "So," I said, smiling, pausing for comedic effect, "...do you know how we got Hawaii?" Fully expecting that at any moment she was going to answer, "Oh my God, did you believe that guy?" or "Wasn't that weird?" or even a simple, "Right?" We'd have a moment. A little 'ahhhh, life' second between sane strangers never to meet again. But no. She didn't even look at me. Walked right past, through the crosswalk and down the street, sweet as you please. Left me standing there with my stupid joke hanging in the air like a beer fart. Left me with nothing but the wrinkled up nose on the coffee cart guy and others in line who, of course, were now afraid of the crazy bitch who demands historical tidbits from passersby. I considered running. But I really, really wanted that tea. For Christsakes, my day hadn't even started yet.

Posted by Antigeist at February 27, 2004 11:01 AM