AM Doggie Walk, or, Making Friends in the New Neighborhood, or, Why I Was Very Late Getting To Work.

(Dog stops, takes a pee on a patch of snow/ice on the curb. We start to walk away.)

Man on stoop across the street: Hey! You better pick that up!
Me: What?
Man: You can't just leave that there!
Me: Leave wha... oh. (calling out, friendly) There's nothing to pick up, she just had a pee. (continuing on)
Man: Don't walk away, pick that up.
Me: (stopping) Um, I don't think you can see from across the street, there is nothing to pick up.
Man: Don't tell me there's nothing there, I saw the whole thing!
Me: (raising plastic bags in my hand) Sir, if there were something to pick up I would. I'm trying to tell you she only had a pee.
Man: Well, you better pick it up.
Me: (now fully angry) Pick up pee? How does one pick up urine?
Man: (flicks cigarette, stands) What did you say?
Me: I said, how -exactly- do I get pee out of a patch of ice in the road?
Man: I don't care what you do, but I'm sick of people letting their dogs do their business wherever they please and leave it there.
Me: Me too. Which is why I carry bags to pick up after my dog.
Man: Then why don't you pick that shit up off the sidewalk?
Me: Because she didn't HAVE a SHIT on the SIDEWALK, she had a PEE IN THE STREET!
Man: Do you see that sign? (points to a "Curb Your Dog" sign on a post). I can call the police you know.
Me: Go ahead.
Man: I'll do it!
Me: (walking away) Have at it.
Man: It's a THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR FINE!
Me: I'll go get my checkbook.