letter to Prince Charles:

Your Royal Highness, Sir,

Forgive me for being blunt, but you're going about this buggering mess all wrong. Attempting to control the media, trying to hide the truth by blocking newspapers from hitting the stands? Wrong and wrong...trust me, before you know it Hello! will have your WC wired, and the Guardian will be leaping out of your mum's pantry while your fetching your nightly choco-bickey. Your wish to avoid them has only, and will only bring more pressure upon you to address the (shhhh) 'incident'. But I have a suggestion that may turn all of this unwanted attention to your advantage.

Tell the world your gay. Oh I don't care if you are actually gay, or bi, or whatever, just TELL the world you're are gay, and proud, and feel truly free and whole and good for the first time in your life. Think about it Charles, you can parlay this whole mess into the best thing that's happened to The Crown in a hundred years.

With all respect Sir, no one likes you. No one ever has. You are the saddest excuse for a prince the world has ever known. You are odd, cold, you don't photograph well, and you're boring. As a matter of fact none of your accomplishments, from your military service to your diplomatic efforts, have ever endeared you to your people. I bet even your Mum likes Andrew better. And with good reason. He's got pizzaz, a wry smile, he's dated porn stars. But you? It seems like you can't make a favorable impression on anybody, your life thus-far has been a senseless conundrum...unless your gay.

I can feel you shudder at the implication, thoughts of "What would become of the Monarchy? What would my Royal Subjects think of me?" I can't say what they'd think, but I can tell you what you would hear; A unison cry of "Oh!" bellowing forth from the Lake District to Brighton as everyone --the whole of the country-- would finally put the pieces together. The shyness, the introverted behavior, the long, long voluntary stints in the Navy, the arranged marriage to the totally hot and much beloved Diana, your ditching her for a platonic existence with a mannish, horse-faced childhood chum, your impeccable (I must admit) taste in menswear, and finally, buggering your valet. You see, being gay is really the only plausable explaination.

It's not the fourteenth century Charles, you live in a progressive, modern country that can handle a gay future king. Do the one thing that will save the last bit of respect the world has for the Royals. Speak proudly of your dirty man-love! You just may be surprised at how warmly you are received (ahem).

Sincerely,
A Concerned American

Posted by Antigeist at November 13, 2003 01:19 PM