I just want to thank my sponsors...

H: *rinnngg* Hello?
Me: Hey, you've gotta talk me off a ledge here.
H: Okay...
Me: I'm in the bathroom, I have the scissors in my hand.
H: No, wait...have you done it yet?
Me: Not yet, but I'm just about to.

H: You know it never works out.
Me: I know.
H: It never ends up how you think it's going to.
Me: I know, I know. But I just thought...
H: Okay...which are you going for, the pixie-chick, or the Gweneth Paltrow just on the eyebrows?
Me: I'm not sure, maybe mid-forehead?
H: Not with your hairline, you'll have to train them. Are you ready to blow-dry and gel and spray every single day...?
Me: I'll never do that.
H: ...OR wait two years for them to grow out?
(M enters the room where H is on the phone, he overhears)
M: Oh no....PMS bangs?...
H: (to M) Yep, full on.
M: (yelling in the background) NO! Did you do it?
Me: Tell him no.
H: No.
M: What is she thinking, remind her about the last time!
Me: I know.
H: (to M) She says she knows.
M: (walks away from H, voice trailing off)...tell her to just step away from the scissors, go take a walk...
(pause)
H: So...did you try pinning your hair up to see how it looks?
Me: Yeah, it looked stupid, but I thought...
H: ...that it was the pins? That somehow it would look better when you cut the hair?
Me: Yeah.
H: But you know that isn't true, right?
Me: *sigh* Yeah.
(pause)
H: Better?
Me: Yes, I am. Thanks.
H: Sure?
Me: Mmhmmm.
H: All right. Call us back if you need to.
Me: Next month.
H: *laughing*