Phonetiquette: A guide for the masses

It has been brought to my attention --through the six to twenty wrong numbers I receive each and every single goddamned day-- that the vast majority of my fellow Americans have never been instructed how to use a telephone. My caller ID can attest many of you have figured out how to dial a phone, but appear to have no clue as to how to proceed afterward; particularly if your dialing caused you to reach the wrong party. I think I may be able to help you. Don't be embarrassed! This phone stuff is tricky business. The telephone has only been in use for a little over a hundred years... now honestly, is that enough time to master such a complicated piece of modern technology? How could anyone blame a case of simple ignorance? However continued bad behavior might indeed drive a person to lose their shit, hunt you down, and pop a cap in your ass; and that would be unfortunate. So let's take a moment to go over a few basics, it just might save your life.

renauit sandero

The most important lesson you will learn here is to listen for clues. For instance, you want to phone your sister. She only speaks Cantonese. You only speak Cantonese. When you dial her number a male voice answers "Hello" in English. That is a clue. You see, your sister is not male, nor does she speak English. You might have a wrong number! If you ask for her in Cantonese and the male voice answers something in English you do not understand, something that might sound like "I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number" you need not call back twenty five times in order to be certain of the mistake. Perhaps you erroneously switched two numbers, or your sister actually hates you and gave you fake digits to get you off her back (you are obviously prone to being a pest). Either way, it is not polite to continue to harass a man who has nothing to do with your screwed-up family affairs, nor is it safe. Believe me, he was thinking about killing you the second time you called back, but by the twenty-fifth? That's motive, plain and simple!

You are trying to reach your doctor. It is 9:30am. A groggy voice picks up the line and says "Mmmhmm?" Already, a clue. Normally when you call a doctor's office you are greeted by a voice that says, "Hello, Dr.______'s office." but the voice said "Mmmhmm." Not 'good morning', not 'how may I help you', but "Mmmhmm." Now totally inept receptionists are not unusual (which is mind-blowing considering how much we pay to see a doctor) so no one would begrudge the question, "Is this Dr.______'s office?" However if you receive the answer "No, you've reached a residence" you may NOT go into a tirade about how you need your prescription filled, and how you KNOW you dialed the right number, or ask them where your doctor's office has moved...the clicking you hear in the background might be the greasing up of a 30-odd six. You'd sure need your doctor after that person found you! The best (and safest) move when disturbing a stranger is to apologize, hang up, and call information.

A special note to the angry women hunting down cheating men: Not everyone on the other end of the line is sleeping with your baby-daddy. When you phone a home at three in the morning, rouse a person out of bed, and then (without so much as a hello) demand "Where's Michael at?" you have outed yourself as both a rude bitch and a dirty preposition mangler. You will garner no sympathy. No wonder he's stepping out, hell, you might even inspire someone to go fuck Michael just to piss you off. That's not what you wanted, is it? See, proper phone etiquette not only saves lives, but helps to keep relationships intact.

The next thing I need to address is answering machines. Clues abound in this area. If you dialed what you believe to be your doctor, your sister, your child's teacher, your car service, your dirty, cheatin' man who won't even cough up ten bucks for Similac and diapers, but instead arrive at an answering machine that says, "Hello. You have reached the home of _____ and ______. We are unable to come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message for either _____ or _____, we will get right back to you" and (this is important!) neither of the names mentioned on the machine match the name of the person you are looking for --don't leave a five minute message. You have a wrong number. The clue here is found in how we they clearly state our their names and mention that it is their home, which, and here's the tricky part, is a different name than the person or business you are seeking. A hard call for the untrained ear, but easy to recognize once you've learned to read the clues!

Finally, the golden rule is one call back. If you dial a number and do not reach your intended party, you are allowed ONE call back to see if you dialed in error, followed by an apology. After that, you are on your own. Remember, good phone skills are a key ingredient to a safe and happy society. Not everyone is as kind and understanding, as helpful and concerned for your safety as I am. Remember there are wackos out there who have ways of finding you. I shudder to think what a lack of common, everyday telephone etiquette might drive them to do.

Posted by Antigeist at August 27, 2003 02:32 PM