August 08, 2003
Open letter from my dog:
Why, if you're so AFRAID of dogs, do you instantly behave like either my natural prey or a predator the second you see me? Why do you trade in walking erect for barking and lunging, or scampering and making shrill noises like a wounded bunny --you know, the kind of thing I'm hardwired to track and eat-- why do you do that? I do not want to hurt, maim, or kill humans. Humans love and feed and care for me. I would, however, sink my teeth into a wounded ground crawler if I happened upon one, as is my instinct. And since all creatures are provided with SELF PROTECTION MECHANISMS any living thing will attempt to protect itself from a deranged human who appears to be threatening its life. With this in mind: when you find yourself in the presence of a dog, why do you choose to behave like either prey or an aggressor or both? Why do you do that? Are you just a stupid asshole? Or a stupid asshole who is also misinformed?
I'm sick of being kind-hearted and forgiving about this, apologetic and understanding of bad behavior that is not my fault. Just fuck off, all of you, but before you do know some facts:
First, if you behave like such an idiot because of a legitimate trauma --like having been attacked by a dog-- and you are forever physically and emotionally scarred; call a lawyer. An attack by an unprovoked dog is a crime, as long as you were not commiting a crime when it happened (like breaking into my owner's house). There are laws to protect your right to walk freely without the threat of harm from anyone or anything. If there is a dog with a history of aggressive behavior running around biting people in your neighborhood, it's called battery, there are laws against it. The city will happily remove that dog from the owner's posession, whereafter the owner can be sued for damages, fined, and possibly jailed. I repeat: If there is an dog in your neighborhood attacking people without being provoked to do so, it is a crime. However my sniffing a garbage pail twenty feet from your all-day stoop-fest is not. Know the difference.
Second, if you want to actually get the bastards who train dogs to be aggressive and allow their dogs to harm people, stop teaching your children to scream, run, flail their arms, taunt, tease, abuse, goad, and confuse animals. Dogs in particular. If what you want is to stay away from me and have me stay away from you, exhibiting erratic or threatening behavior is not the way to do it. I have a brain the size of a walnut, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say yours is larger. So, therefore, you must be able to understand that when you or your children begin to LEAP AROUND AND BARK THREATENINGLY at me as I pass, I will either think your child wants to play, or wants to hurt me. Either way I'm gonna run right toward your little cherub which is what you claim to want to avoid. I might mention at this point that if I rip your little sweetie's face off after he or she has barked at me, jumped out at me, or punched me while I lay outside a store waiting for my mommy, that would fall under the heading of "provocation" and you would be shit out of luck in a courtroom, particularly due to the fact that I have no history of voilent behavior.
Third, dogs are domesticated yes, but still animals. We are unpredictable and unstable and potentially dangerous, even the most well-trained and well adjusted; kinda like your snot nosed, dirty, stupid little children. There are many unseen perils that await all of us, our job is to have a fucking clue and pay attention so that we may minimize the dangers in our lives. My point is, go back to point two. If what you want is to keep yourself or your children away from potential danger, stop teaching them to be on the offensive every time they encounter a dog. It's beyond stupid, it may not only provoke an animal to attack, but would ruin your chances of legal retribution if they did. Think about it: Would you attack someone who had to walk out of their way to punch you in the face while you lay there unaware? I thought so.
That said, now you may go fuck yourself.
Woof.