{ed note: This list was originally called "If I were Queen of America", but my friend HR already holds the crown...far be it from me to go stealing it from him. Don't know about you, but I don't depose friends, even metaphorically, and if I Ruled the World my first rule would be that nobody could.}
Rule Number One, oh, wait, I already made the "No Deposing Metaphorical Queens" rule...
Rule Number Two:
If I were Ruler of the World I'd get rid of the Puritanical "no sale of booze on Sunday" law the second I was sworn in -- maybe during, if my inauguration was on a Sunday. As far as I know it's the only Blue Law left, the last vestige of the Natural Law based morality doctrines that, in addition to drinking, made it illegal to dance, fiddle, or gamble on Sunday as well. Since the other Blue Laws have been repealed, and in theory The State cannot let The Church tell you when and where to get your groove on, I say bring on the cocktails. It's a natural fit! What goes better with a Sunday night of bettin' and dancin' and fiddlin' anyway? Hooch, my friend. A smokey scotch. A perky yet bashful Chardonnay.
Some are currently trying to get the law changed, for the same reason as mine; that it's a bold-faced breach of the separation of church and state, outmoded, and frankly ineffective. Many such as myself agree that the law arguably infringes on at least two amendment rights (the 1st, the 14th) and was just another bit-O-grease on the slippery slope that led us up to bullshit like the Patriot Act, but I digress. Or was about to.
I know people can stock up for Sunday on Saturday, or go to a bar or restaurant and drink, or buy as many 40's of Crazy Horse* as they like, there are options. All of which are exactly why the law is STUPID. It's not stopping anyone from getting drunk. What it does is stop me from bringing a nice Cabernet over to my friend Maud's house when we decide to have a spur-of-the-moment Sunday dinner party. I mean c'mon...Zima does NOT compliment her Marinara sauce.
(*a totally unreliable source, a bartender friend, told me that grocers were initially allowed to carry malt beverages because they have a nutritional value, that they could be considered 'food', whereas wine and liquor have no nutritional value, and cannot. Granted, beer wouldn't be a really nutritious food, but probably more so than Twinkies or Mustard. If his story is true, and you consider that beer is made of essentially the same ingredients as bread, it makes a kind of sense.)