Coming clean in a dirty mind

So my awful dream from last week keeps returning. The settings are different, the cast changes slightly, but the overall theme and eventual outcome of waking up screaming remains. It just occurred to me while jotting a quick email to my friend Maud (whose having her own bout with nightmare situations lately) that it's now, officially, a reoccurring dream. I can look forward to this beauty for nights and nights to come...to which I can only say, "Oh, Goody." If I'm going to have a reoccurring dream why can't it be the one where I am invisible and I own a teleportation booth and I country-hop causing Loki-like hijinks and get to see lots of people naked. That dream was the best evah.

I've always had an active dream life, but for the most part predictable, linear, almost boring really. My dreams have rarely been a big mystery, I can usually draw a straight line between my waking life and the story that unfolds in my sleep. For instance, if I'm having man trouble, I dream that my boyfriend is cheating, or is mean to me. If I feel trapped by my circumstances, I dream that something is chasing me and I can't run, or I'm locked in a (closet, room?) and no one can hear me scream. If I'm happy, I dream I can fly, or that I'm sunning myself on a beach. If I'm horny I dream I'm having sex. If I'm hungry I dream I'm eating something delicious. I've never had to be acquainted with the work of Freud or Jung in order to create a bridge between my Id and my Mother's womb, or to connect a mass of seemingly disconnected dots into a mosaic of my crappy childhood. They're mostly cause = effect, simple. At the best, delightful; at worst, harmless.

I guess that's why this dream is so disturbing. The fact that my dream life has so consistently reflected my actual life leaves me horrified at this current manifestation of my psyche... How fucked up can a person be? Jesus! It's not hard to figure out WHY I'm dreaming WHAT I'm dreaming...it's the fact that it exists as an extension of my subconscious at all. I've purged, analyzed, and registered horror, and am displeased, to say the least. Being threatened by past high school chums or hipster/ravers who take 'mean making' drugs and murder small, defenseless animals...being totally unable to get help, get out, trapped in a situation I did not invite nor can control... OKAY I FEEL PATHETIC! ALL RIGHT? I'M A BIG FUCKING LOSER WHO IS EVIDENTLY THREATENED BY YOUTH, OR MY PAST, AND CHOOSE TO ALIGN MYSELF WITH THE PLIGHT OF TRAMPLED INNOCENTS (victims) IN AN ATTEMPT TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE THAT HAVE RUINED MY LIFE.

It's disgusting, really. The ignominy. Outed by my own damn brain.

Posted by Antigeist at March 25, 2003 01:46 PM